GOTTA LOVE THE CHEESE

Sometimes a few words can light up an otherwise dreary day. Even if they are super cheesy! Gave me the laugh I needed though. In a hospital that had otherwise horrible reception all day, THIS somehow made it through...I think I'm dealing with James Bond, here. :)


HD: Just wanted to say, "Hello".

   Me: Thank you. :) Hello. Sorry...reception not good in here.

HD: No..."Hello". As in.....H: How are you holding up? E: Everything getting better? L: Like to c u soon. L: Love to hear from you. O: Obviously miss talking with you.

   Me: LOL! How long did it take you to come up with that?!

HD: A few seconds. I Googled it. :)

   Me: Gee thanks!

HD: Was just trying to make you smile!

   Me: Well that definitely worked! Even the nurses and paramedics are smiling! LOL!

STILL I RISE

How can you not love Maya Angelou?!


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.


~Maya Angelou

COMING SOON...

Yes, I definitely have stuff to write about. Alas, I've been a little busy and a little under the weather. Nothing big...just the usual congestion-type stuff that comes this time each year.

Welcome to the new readers who have happened by, either on purpose or by accident.

I do have some things I will address, if for nothing else than to vent. :) Imagine that.

Things like:

Addictions
Morals
Friendships
The New Year


I'll get to it. :)

Things are looking up. I'm trying very hard to expand some horizons. Friends are urging me to step in a new direction and I'm trying.

As is always the case, the kids are the most important thing to me. And someone recently pointed out that maybe I'd be an even better mom if I got out a little more and started doing some fun stuff for me. So...I have.

That's a WHOLE other topic! More to come soon!

WHERE ARE YOU CHRISTMAS?

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love.

~beautiful song...sang by Faith Hill

HE GIVES THE TOUGH TASKS TO THE STRONG ONES...RIGHT?

This is by far the toughest thing I've had to do. Just when you think you've experienced all you could imagine...something new sneaks around the corner.

As I'm sitting here at the hospital, a place which sirens are all too common...I know the one I hear in the distance that's getting closer and closer is here for my family.

WHITE FLAG THROWN

We teach our kids to be nice. Thoughtful. Careful. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Pretty much we want them to live by the Golden Rule.

As adults, most of us try to do the same thing. We learn to treat others the way we would like to be treated. Unfortunately, as we get older...there's a great deal of gray area here. Through the individual journeys that each brought us to where we are now, we understandably respond in different ways.

I would say I'm known as someone who considers others feelings. Yes...I feel very confident saying that. I would never intentionally hurt someone. In fact, I've taken on stress and pain when I shouldn't have. When I should have either fought back or been a lot more assertive.

So yesterday, as I got ready to go back to the hospital and be with a family member who had been through a tragic ordeal and almost died...I received a text.

The last time I received a text like this was on my birthday. Yes. My birthday. As I sat at an acute care clinic with my ill son.

I won't get into what it said. It isn't something I care to revisit. It was mean and very unnecessary. Of course, I think choosing to send a text for the sole purpose of tearing them down is always mean and unnecessary. But if the last word was what this person needed...consider it done. You win.

While some people say words can only hurt if you allow them to or if you agree with them, I disagree. To anyone who cares to listen, please hear this: Words cut deep. They create wounds that don't heal quickly, especially if they come from someone you've cared for. Once they are said, it takes time...but they can eventually be forgiven. However, they will probably never be forgotten, so choose what you want to say to someone (as well as *when* you choose to say it) very carefully.

I need to concentrate on my family. And I don't think that makes me selfish, disappointing or 'unbelievable'. I think it means my priorities are where they should be. There's someone lying in a hospital bed who isn't doing very well and needs me right now. There's my dad who is exhausted and in pain watching this happen to a loved one. There's my kids who are living their own, innocent lives and whom I'm trying to shield from all the little 'truths' going on around them. And then there are the people in my life who are praying for us and asking what they can do to help...these are the people I turn to. So I'll choose to listen to their words instead.


~And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31

JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU, I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE...

I absolutely hate that I have't been able to sit down and write. For nothing more than put thoughts to paper...or laptop, as the case may be.

It's been a whirlwind of activity in my life lately and I simply just haven't had time. Or maybe I just haven't been motivated enough to make the time, because I know where my thoughts have centered and I simply don't want to go there.

I always hear of the "holiday blues" and I suppose this year I've got them. From my bank account being hacked into, to my electricity being turned off last week DUE TO my bank account being hacked into...it's been a domino effect to the position I'm in now. The money it took to turn the electricity back on (thanks to an outrageous reconnect fee and a deposit) was the money I had so carefully set aside to buy gifts. I was so proud of myself! I had planned ahead and the money was there. WAS.

And Christmas decorations that are usually all up by time the dishwasher is done with Thanksgiving dishes? I'd say 70% are still packed away. Of course the Christmas tree isn't. No, it's apparently with a new family this year. The one who stole it out of our garage (that I made the mistake of leaving open, thank you).

Then the big one.

How do I pay for Christmas gifts?

I know Christmas isn't about material things. But when you're 12 and 9, it's part of it. Thinking about it makes my eyes burn and that leads me to be mad at myself. Plenty, plenty, plenty of people have less. And my 'bad fortune' seems to have been my defining feature the past couple years and I'm sick of it, so I don't talk about it. The "So how's it going?" question is now just answered with, "Great!".

I don't want pity. I don't want "the looks". I don't want emails or texts asking "how can I help". Yes, it's just people trying to help, but I don't want help. I want to be in the position to do the helping.

Hopefully tonight I'll make some time to sit down and actually write something relavent. And I'm sure my mood will be better by then.

For now I'll leave you with this...because it makes me smile whenever I hear it. Makes me think of two amazing kids who keep me going.

WHERE THE TRUTH LIES

Shelby got in the car Friday afternoon and the first words out of her mouth were, "A boy asked me to go out with him today."

"What do you mean go out? Like on a date?"

"Well, you know...like be boyfriend/girlfriend," she answered.

Ugh. Fourth grade. Really?

So I'm forced with the reality of, if I act like it's the craziest thing I've ever heard she will shut down and this is probably something we should discuss. Right? Right.

So I inquire further into the situation:

"So what did you say?"

"I said...'Ummmmmm...no. Sorry.' I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't like him that way. "

"Well, I'm glad you said 'No' because you're too young to have a boyfriend," ::::insert 9 year-old-going-on-18 eye roll here:::: "But next time I'd like for you to decline in a different way."

She goes on to tell me how she was caught off-guard. Apparently some girlfriends were kind of setting this whole thing up. They had pulled the unsuspecting boy aside before recess and told him Shelby liked him (which she did not). Got him all excited and encouraged him to ask her.

Obviously we went over how friends shouldn't do that, etc... . But that's a different story.

We discussed how it probably took that young boy a lot of courage to ask her and went over the way to gently deliver a decline in such matters. Her dad also made note that while she may not have liked this boy, other boys (and girls) were watching to see how she reacted. Had she been outright mean due to embarrassment (thankfully she wasn't), people may remember how she made someone in such a vulnerable position feel and she could very well carry that with her for years to come.

We've all been in a position in which we have to bare the uncomfortable responsibility of delivering news a recipient doesn't want to hear. News that may even possibly hurt someone. It sucks. There's just no two ways about it. But I've learned the hard way, while it is extremely agonizing to have to tell someone something that will make them sad or upset, it's worse to not say anything at all. I've been (we've all been at some point) led on to believe a situation may turn out the way we want it, all while the other person has no intention of seeing it through. It's just not who I am. I could never do that to someone and I don't want my kids to ever think that option is okay. In fact, I don't want them to ever even think of it as an option.

Conflict happens in life. And while most people don't enjoy it...it's a reality. Oftentimes, situations can start to take on a life of their own which is when we are obligated to step in and say, "No...we need to straighten this out." Not everything in life is easy, but those interested in doing what's right will make their way through the uncomfortableness of it all and find the courage, strength and sometimes well-practiced words in order to what is honorable. And then you go home and cry that you may have just hurt someone you care about by way of being honest. It really is true...sometimes the truth hurts. And I don't mean that sarcastically. But the lies cut much deeper and the scars last much longer.

Sometimes, you can get away with a gentle delivery and other times you have to be more black-and-white about it. "This is how it is."

More and more I'm reminded that all I can control is me. I'm not perfect at it, but I try. I've learned lessons about airing my dirty laundry. And hopefully others have learned lessons about dirtying the laundry. :) But when it comes down to it, we are each responsible for our own actions. Karma is a bitch, but outright hatefulness with no reason is wrong.

It's like I told Shelby...All you can do is be honest and be kind. You get what you give in this life.

So if you're surprised at the actions coming your way...you may want to consider what you're throwing out there in the universe.



Always remember and never forget: Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear what you're saying.

THE JOURNEY

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only that you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver

A MONTH OF THANKFULNESS

Day One goes to my kids. I will eternally be thankful for God's great miracle of giving me the awesome responsibility of getting to be with the two most wonderful people on this earth. (Biased? Maybe!) :)

They are a daily reminder of what type of person I want to be, as they are my life mirrors and sponges. My choices, behavior, actions, everything...are reflected and soaked up by them. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes not so good. :)

But they are a constant factor in my thought process. What I say. What I don't say. Who I choose to associate with. You name it. My role as their mom is not something I take lightly.

And I'm thankful that their dad and I make sure they know that while we are no longer together as a couple, we are together in parenting them. We are a team when it comes to raising them and making sure they know how much they are loved and supported with two parents to love them unconditionally. Do we always see eye-to-eye? Of course not. What parents do? But they don't know that. I think they view us as a force to reckon with...just the way we want it. :)

Their wellbeing both today and how they are being shaped for their tomorrows are THE most important thing. Period.

Thank you, God for these kids!

BE STILL AND KNOW...

SOMETIMES IT'S JUST...

A laid-back Saturday with your kids. Thankful one has a 3-hour playdate so you can have a little one-on-one with the other.

Baking cookies for your new neighbor, even though it's 'just' an apartment, it's still a home. And you welcome them to the fold.

Petting the soft, warm head of a certain dog that lays on your lap snoring like a chainsaw and wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for you taking her in and then be willing to let her go to a new family. But for now, she's here.

Cleaning your home, opening the windows, letting the cool and crisp air flow through to clean everything out. Everything.

Going with your friend to the emergency room because your daughter's best friend tripped on her way up your stairs to have a mommy/daughter girls night. Slight concussion...ugh. :(

A son who tells you, "You know it's only 10 days until your birthday?" Wow. Stunned. Might mention my birthday this year is the same as the release date for a video game he's been wanting. Doesn't matter...I'll take it.

Getting a Keurig coffee maker for only $50 thanks to mail-in rebates and a 20% off in-store coupon. Watching the kids make 5 cups of hot chocolate...just because they can.

Getting hateful texts for being honest.

Sitting down on a quiet night (other than the snoring from above-mentioned dog) and actually trying to figure out what I'm doing. Then having an epiphany...we all do the best we can.


And sometimes...sometimes it's just being. Being thankful. Not questioning every thing.

THE ONE YOU FEED

Have just always liked this...

BE HAPPY OR BE GONE

What makes you happy?

It's funny as we travel through life how certain things we used to put in that category are vastly different than what makes us happy today.

I remember when things like solving my Rubik's Cube, learning the lyrics to Rapper's Delight, getting my drivers license, going out on my first date...all made me burst with excitement. And my friends were right there beside me, laughing along. Encouraging. Accepting.

Today, I tend to feel questioned about the things that make me happy. Mind you, most of those questions come from within.

Does this affect my kids?

Does this adversely affect me?

Does this affect my job?

The list is endless. We are our own worse critic, aren't we? Most of the time, I'm just trying to figure it out myself.

I have a friend going through a divorce right now and she's getting questioned up-and-down, left-and-right by her friends. Yes. I told her. Yes, it happened (still does) to me and generally your best friends are just doing it out of a place of protection. The other people are just nosey.

The best advice I thought of to give her is some I wasn't even taking myself for the longest time.

Be happy and try to stop looking over your shoulder. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. Put your kids welfare first-and-foremost, but do NOT forget about you. Every single one of your friends who are there for you 24/7 now will eventually not be there as much. And that's okay! They aren't supposed to be. They have their own lives. But do not let them apply their logic, their priorities and what they 'would be doing in your shoes' to how you live your life. You are now walking a very different road and having to discover a new you. Simply put, there is absolutely no way they can put themselves in your shoes.

It took me awhile to get here. I used to be so worried about...well...everything. What will people think? What would they do in this situation? I'm bound to make mistakes, are they going to judge and define me because of the mistakes?
The answers?

Who cares.
There's no way they can honestly say.
Absolutely.

Some people are just going to feel like they have all the answers (they don't). They have an opinion on everything. Where I should live. Who I should go out with. Where money should be spent and where it shouldn't. Ugh.

I'd like to think that even in the 'best' of houses/families, we all have our issues. If you aren't minding what's going on in your business...who is?

She laughed and said, "See? I knew you'd get it!"

And I do. But...now I just choose to not let it all define who I am. While I am divorced, I'm not alone. I'm a single-mom, but I also have a career and friends. I no longer feel the need to defend my decisions. And I don't question others about theirs.

I've got my own house to tend to, thank you very much.

And my house, issues and all, is a happy one. So...I must be doing something right.

KARMA NEVER LOSES AN ADDRESS

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the type of person who apologizes. It doesn’t bother me to say, “I was wrong and I am really sorry”. Especially as I’ve gotten older (and wiser!) and discovered just how important of a role an apology plays in relationships. Whatever kind of relationship it is. Friendship. Family. Love.

We all do things in life we regret. So as we are taught in kindergarten, when you do something that hurts someone (intentional or not)…you apologize. It’s simply the right thing to do.

At least for some people.

These 'some people' either just don’t think they are wrong or are too hard-headed to apologize. Pride gets in the way.  Immaturity. Whatever. And to be honest, the apology would be disingenuous anyway, so who needs that? Don’t waste my time.

I’ll be blunt here. I got really mad the other day about having never received an apology from someone who frankly…owes me more than an apology. But hey…it would be a start. This person very quickly apologized to someone else and I was left a little dumb-founded. Granted, when comparing the actions being apologized for…the action toward me would be an iceberg hit by the Titantic and the action toward the other person would be a Sonic ice cube. So you can see why I was mad.

“Hang on…You’re apologizing for that and you never apologized to me for THAT?!”

And then I started thinking, “Wait. Why am I mad?”

Does the word sorry really mean anything at this point? Can that one word erase all the many purposeful and downright hateful actions?

Of course it can’t. And especially at this point, it never will.

So it would seem here the problem is mine and mine alone to get over. Just because I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I’d done something to hurt someone and did nothing to make it right, doesn’t mean everyone else is that way. Aren’t I the one always telling my kids how “we are all made different and be glad we are! Otherwise we’d be a population of robots.”? Yes, that’s what I tell them.

So apology is no longer necessary. I suppose it never really was. I’ll never ‘get-over’ the actions anyway. Those actions have become very tightly woven into the fabric of what makes me who I am today.

Something to think about…what you put into the world comes back to you. How you live your life ultimately determines what kind of life you will have.

 

WEEKLY REARVIEW MIRROR 2

Last week's rearview mirror revealed...
 

• Octomom still freaks me out.
• If I don’t write it down or put it in my iPhone calendar, I WILL forget it.
• It’s probable my son loves Minecraft more than me.
• I sure wish my “to-do” list would turn into a “ta-dah” list.
• Losing most of my contacts when my iPhone died may have been a blessing in disguise.
• Trying to brush Shelby’s hair is like trying to play darts with feathers. In a hurricane.
• Hurting someone with the truth is still better than hurting them with a lie. I’ll always stand by that one.
• Trying to motivate Ben to keep his room clean on his own is like trying to convince a cat to be on the swim team.
• It would really do me a little justice if stress burned calories.
• Taking a shower used to be relaxing. Now it’s just a race in order to move on to the next thing on my list.
• My kids have outgrown their clothes for the 58th time this year.
• I’ve been taken advantage of by a “friend” for the last time (she said for the 100^th time).
• I’m VERY much looking forward to my boxing class tonight so I can beat something up!

FESTUS REMEMBERED

No words necessary other than you were very loved and are immensely missed. It's not the same without you...

WEEKLY REARVIEW MIRROR

I used to do this and just kinda got off track. I really liked writing about the quirkier moments of the week, so I'm bringing it back to life! Here goes.


Last week's rearview mirror revealed...

• My daughter is smarter than she knew. I knew this. She's just figuring it out.
• My son's days of not studying and getting A's are over. He does not like this.
• Dictionary Usage should be a class in-and-of-itself by 6th grade. At least.
• The most wonderful dog I've known since my own will be leaving us next week to go to her furever home. Love you, Rosie.
• The laundry in my home multiplies like rabbits on Gonal-F.
• Only a few of you will get the above-reference.
• Life can be quite peaceful when you limit the number of idiots allowed within your inner-circle.
• You really should eliminate all of the idiots within your inner circle.
• An iPhone 4 can die multiple times. In one night. And the next day.
• You can get a new iPhone 4s and 2 years of Apple Care gratis, if you know the right peeps.
• My allergies are worse than the Dallas Cowboys.
• You can't make people see their priorities are so out of whack they're damaging future relationships. And hitting them over the head until they do see it is illegal, so... done.
• You actually can teach an old dog new tricks. I being the 'old dog'.
• People, even your friends, will take advantage of you. Yes...I'm a sucker.
• Trying to reason with my overly-tired 9-year-old daughter is as productive as arguing with a drunk on acid while learning Rapper's Delight.
• If I make a sandwich, it's blah. If someone else makes it, it's a 5-star meal.
• Somedays I'm the only one in the house who remembers the top of the kitchen counter isn't in fact the dishwasher.

 

 

  

THE FORECAST IS GOOD

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain...when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in.


Changed? Definitely.

For the better? Yes.

Happy? Absolutely.

Storm over? It never is. But like waves in the ocean, it's up-and-down. And now...now the forecast is better than it's been in a very, long time.

Here's to storms. And the beautiful rainbows that appear afterward.

I WANT...

Tomorrow is October 1st and tonight at the dinner table, Shelby started making her Christmas list. It went something like this: "I want... . And I also want... ." Ben sat across from her as we ate dinner and looked at her like, "Are you kidding me?"

He started to tell her...once again...the true meaning of Christmas and how it doesn't start with, "I want..." and I just laughed.

Ben: Why are you laughing? She's being kinda selfish.

Me: Ben...you have to remember that not only is she just nine, everyone is different. Some of the best people in this world made Christmas lists beginning with 'I want' when they were little. It doesn't mean they don't get what Christmas is about. It doesn't mean they are eternally selfish. I'm grateful you and Shelby are different. I'm thankful for the distinct qualities in each of you. It's natural for her to be different. Say different things. Do things you wouldn't. None of us are perfect and there's not a person in this world who can say they've never uttered the words 'I want'. You just have to be conscious not to make them a constant part of your vocabulary. God is smiling at her and knows it comes from an innocent place. He's not that rigid. He, thankfully, gets kids and knows it's not coming from a place of pure selfishness. She's just excited. She does plenty of things for others you know nothing about and would actually be very proud of her for doing.

Ben: True. True. I get it. Still, she could be a little less about her.

Me: ::::sigh::::


Everyone I know...everyone...has an "I Want" list. And if you say you don't, you're lying. L.Y.I.N.G. There's nothing wrong with it. Let's face it, it's all semantics. Goals. Wants. Wishes. Desires. Blah blah blah... .

In the spirit of pure selfishness...errrr...I mean goals, allow me to start:

I want...

• To make more money.
• To make more time for myself.
• To be healthy forever (I mean, as long as I'm wanting and all...why not?).
• For my kids to grow up grateful for both what they do have, as well as what they don't have.
• For my kids to grow up with a continual thirst for knowledge.
• For them to never put up with anyone or anything who/that treats them poorly or doesn't prove to be a benefit to their well-being.
• To get out of this apartment after my next lease is up.
• To get in shape!
• To be less concerned with others.
• To be able to meet a man who is honest, independent, lovable, financially secure (note I didn't say 'wealthy' as there's a huge difference) and who is steady and consistent.
• A new rug in my living room.
• A healthier diet.
• To start kickboxing again (on the short list already) and running. Again.
• To be more tolerant of others, but still not put up with crap.
• To take a vacation.
• To be courted.
• To watch karma happen. Or at least hear of it happening.
• For my left eye to get better vs. what it seems to be doing now.
• Win the lottery. (again...it's a wish list, right?!).
• To lose this insomnia.
• For the IRS to get it together.
• For Ben to lose his fascination for video games.
• For Shelby to gain a new appreciation for reading.
• For me to let you know most of the above really doesn't matter and I am thankful to have and remain fully committed to the two most precious gifts God gave me.
• To never lose sight of that.

MAYBE

Maybe he believes me, maybe not.
Maybe I can marry him, maybe not.

Maybe the wind on the prairie,
The wind on the sea, maybe,
Somebody, somewhere, maybe can tell.

I will lay my head on his shoulder
And when he asks me I will say yes,
Maybe.

~ Carl Sundburg

PURPOSEFUL EFFORT

It’s something I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do…turn off my brain. Whether it’s trying to sleep at night or just having a quiet dinner alone, my thoughts keep turning.

This has proven to be both good and bad.

I’ve been desperately trying to redirect my thoughts when I start focusing on negative things. Like bills that keep coming in (the latest: the $200 I’ll spend today getting my ignition switch rebuilt and reinstalled into the steering column it fell out of this weekend). My kids: Am I being the best mom I can be? Is there something I could be doing different? Better? This one is recurring thought. My friends: Does everyone have “I’m here for you because you’re always here for me friends” as well as “I’m here for you when I need something, but when you do then I’m too busy” types of friends? I already know the answer to that one. My living situation: Is it true the townhomes I was planning on moving into are now switching into a different school zone that won’t enable my children to attend the schools they are attending now?

See? Always turning.

So I redirect my thoughts. And not just redirect them, but hand them over to someone who is always ready and willing to listen. Someone who is always there, even though I don’t necessarily make time for him as I should. He always answers when I call. Is never, ever too busy to let me bounce ideas off him or just get his opinion. He knows sometimes it’s just me and two kids so I need ‘adult’ conversation. I don’t want to bother him with petty things, but the thing is…he never thinks anything is petty. I’m eternally grateful for his presence in my life.

Thank you, God, for showing me the true meaning of friendship, of a relationship, of love, of compromise, of forgiveness, of gratitude, of selflessness, of when it’s time to release people and situations from your life that no longer provide a mutually beneficial presence  and when to tie a knot (or 20) at the end of the rope and keep hanging on. And for countless more things.

When I direct my thoughts to Him and ask what He would do or what type of person/ friend would He be in a particular instance, I find peace. Every. Single. Time.

I’m trying my best to me a blessing in this life. To my kids. My friends. Strangers. And even to myself. And that one seems to be the toughest one of all.

C'MON IPHONE...WRAP IT UP ALREADY

I haven't written in awhile. My time has been divided between my new job, kids starting back to school (which means homework times two every night), a foster boxer whom we are getting ready to 'have' to give up to her new, amazing home and then the day-to-day things that come with life.

Laundry. Shopping. Laundry. Errands. Laundry.

Notice how anything having to do with a personal life is noticably absent from this list?

That's getting ready to change.

A girl's night is tentatively planned for this weekend and I am VERY happy about it. Even though it has the word 'tentative' in it. I have missed the last I-don't-know-how-many due to finances (you don't go out if you don't have a job...at least that's my rule) and conflicting plans. Hoping for the best this weekend, though.

And next week, God-willing, I get to start hitting Ang again. I checked out the boxing club today and as far as I'm concerned...it's a GO. Even close to a Todd-like motivation goin' on. (That's excellent by the way!).

And all I want to do tonight is go to bed. I really wanted to go to bed about two and a half hours ago. So why am I up writing?

To remind myself I have lots of catch-up writing I want to do on all the kids back-to-school stories, a migraine Shelby had that almost sent me to the hospital it scared me so bad (don't judge me over-protective yet...I had my reasons and they were good), sweet Rosie who we've grown to love so much it will be near excrutiating to let her go (even though it's a great thing for her!) and an amazing son who has stepped-up his chores around the house just because he thought it would help his mom. How'd I get so blessed?!

The other reason I'm still up? The new iPhone update that is supposed to be clearing out all the bugs the last update threw in. Elapsed time so far: 3 hours, 24 minutes.

I just wanna go to bed....

POOR BARBIE GETS LOST IN ALLEN, TEXAS

Maybe it comes with age. Maybe it's because of where I live. Or maybe it's just life experiences, but nothing really surprises me anymore.

Because of this, I supposed I've developed a coping mechanism that comes out in the form of laughter.

So today as I'm filling up with gas, I notice the lady in the car on the other side of the pump (we'll call her Barbie) doesn't get out. She keeps looking around, kind of confused. She eventually rolls her window down and sticks her head out, peering at the young man who sits in the little building where people come pay.

Barbie keeps staring. Then looks at me and does one of those "can you believe this" gestures. And because of darn near anything being possible in society these days, I just smile at her. Who knows? Barbie could be packing a blinged-out 9mm for all I know!

After giving as much patience as Barbie can muster, she gives up and yells to me.

Barbie: Ummm...excuse me! Do you know...do I have to honk my horn or something for full-service?

Me: Bwwwahaahahaha!!

:::::awkward silence:::::

Me: Oh...you're serious?

Barbie: Oh, they do don't that at this location?

Me: Ummm...no.


Barbie rolls up her window and very irritatedly speeds off.

Want to know the kicker?


We were at Kroger.


See? Nothing and no one surprises me these days.

YOU HEARD ME

I have a job. Again.

Two ton weight has been successfully lifted.

I'm actually very excited about the opportunity.

I haven't slept due to stress of being laid-off...for the second time in a year...in almost 4 weeks, therefore I'm going to bed.

Looking forward to sleeping again.

More later on said job. :)

CHIP IN TO HELP NALA AND BRUNO

On August 23rd, Nala and Bruno were intentionally poisoned with antifreeze. There is an ongoing criminal investigation and we hope to bring those responsible for this heinous act to justice.

In the meantime, Nala (Danielle's personal boxer companion) and Bruno (Legacy Boxer Rescue foster dog) are fighting for their lives at a local ER.

The estimated cost for the first 24 hours of care was $1,100.00 for Nala and $1,500.00 for Bruno (he's much heavier than Nala, so hence medications cost more). They are now going into day two.

Please help us help Nala, Bruno, Legacy Boxer Rescue and Danielle by chipping in to help offset the costs of this cowardly crime against two innocent boxer babies.

Thank you.

http://legacyboxerrescue.chipin.com/nala-and-brunos-antifreeze-poisoning

DENIED!

It inconspicuously happened somewhere between home and the school.

There was no warning. No red flags. Nothing telling me a monumental shift in my world was just about to occur.

I pulled into the parking lot of Ben's new school for his 7th grade orientation, looking around for a parking space. As luck would have it, one immediately opened up right out front.

I put the car in park and got the first hint.

Only a handful of parents were walking into the school and I paused before I turned off the car.

"You know what, Ben? It doesn't look like many parents are going in so that tells me my checkbook probably isn't going to be needed," I told him.

"Yeah. I don't know exactly what we're going to be doing. Probably a tour or something," he answered.

I slowly turn off the car and start to open the door, but something held me back. I didn't want to be 'that mom' who was basically spitting on my hand and smoothing his hair down in front of everyone saying, "There now..don't you look spiffy you little whipper-snapper?!" Then follow it up by tucking his shirt in for him.

No...instead, I took the route of less humiliation for my son.

"Ben, you have your phone so if I actually do need to come in to write a check for something or whatever, you can call me. Or you can walk in and I'll follow behind and ask someone inside."

He opens the door, shuts it behind him and as he's walking off says, "It's okay mom. I got it. Or you can walk behind me if you want but I'm going in."

Gone. Trail of dust following him.

Okay. Guess that answers that question. And in all honesty, we didn't receive the notice about "Dog Pound" as they call it so I really had NO idea what the agenda was. It was only by pure luck we found out the night before thanks to one of Ben's friends talking to him about it. I feel the need to defend myself right about now because I really did want him to go by himself, I just didn't know if I needed to write a check, sign something, whatever!

Then tonight the remainder of the shift took place.

We are walking in Target and the kid who always used to not just walk right beside me, but would put his arm around me or hug me turned on me like a wild pig who just got his foot trapped in a metal clamp.

Okay maybe not that drastic, but it felt like it at the time.

We were walking toward the check-out stands and I reached over to just put my arm around him...not forever, but it's habit, people!...and he literally squirmed out of it and said, "Ohhh...that's okay mom."

I'm sorry, what?

Then because he is a kind-hearted guy, spent the next 5 minutes apologizing if he hurt my feelings.

I assured him he didn't. That it was bound to happen and he's growing up. But asked if next time could he just not pull away so quickly as I think I got a fabric burn on the tips of my fingers.

"It doesn't mean I love you any less, mom. I promise. You know that, right? And it doesn't mean I'm not going to hug you anymore. Here...see?" And he proved his words by he putting his arm around me for an entire 2 seconds.

Are you kidding me right now?

"That's fine, Ben. To be honest, I don't want you to hug me anyway because as you get older you've started to smell like a day old taco!" And he just laughed.

I'm sorry, but it's true. When boys get older and make the unfortunate mistake of forgetting that morning deodorant, they smell like Mexican food. But not in a good way.

"Here mom. I'll hug you," Shelby chimed in.

"Oh please, Shelby. It's not the same," he said.

And knowing she will start the same retraction from public displays of affection with her ole' mom soon enough, I told her, "I'll take whatever I can get so bring it on, Belle!"


Always remember and never forget: They grow up way, way, way to fast. Take in every second of every memory...big and small...while you can.

NOTHING TO DO BUT LAUGH

Just a little timeline of my Tuesday...that acted like a Monday. With sordid vengeance.

I agreed to help moms at school with hallway decoration so I jumped in my car to head up to school. Car didn't start.

Popped hood. Had no idea what I was looking for. Acted like I did when neighbor guy walked up and offered help. He messed with battery cables. Car started. Once again I was off.

While helping at school, I got two emails for potential jobs I had applied for. Make that past-potential jobs. Both emails told me they had already hired someone. Bummed, but I kept going

All the moms made an impromptu plan to take the kids to lunch as a "thank you" for being so good while we worked. Knowing I have no extra, fluff money in my budget, my sweet daughter tried desperately to take herself out of the equation by doing something else. Still she was invited to go and told me all she wanted anyway was a sweet tea. Humiliation sets in.

On the way home, I got another email. This time regarding my unemployment and how the 'paperwork' (though it was done via internet) was messed up and they are working on getting me a payment. Just don't know when it will be.

I stopped by apartment office to tell them I got laid-off two weeks ago (call me optimistic, but I was actually hoping to have a job and therefore, an income by now so I hadn't discussed anything with them). I told them I know September rent isn't due for a couple weeks, but in anticipation of not having a paycheck by then, was there anyway a good tenant of almost two-years, who has never even been late with a rent check could possibly pay 1/2 on the 1st and 1/2 on the 15th? Answer is a smile and a "No". In fact, she informed me they would be sending me an eviction notice by the 5th if the rent isn't received in full by the 3rd. Long-shot, but didn't hurt to ask. Surprised by how quickly they evict, though. Sorry...just never been a subject that I ever thought would be in my life so I guess I was under the impression it would take more than being a couple days late to kick you and your kids out when they've never been a 'problem' in the past. Silly me.

Head still spinning, I went home and make myself and Ben lunch since Belle went to a friend's house. Pulled up emails on my laptop and started prepping for a phone interview I had in an hour and a half. When I walked back to kitchen and saw there was an envelope in the door. Inside was a letter from the apartment complex letting me know my lease expires at the end of October and if I do wish to renew it, my monthly rent will go up by $100 a month.

I called them explaining this is quite exorbitant and reminded them of not only my being a good tenant, on time with rent, never cause issues and rarely call maintenance, but also that the front/main security gate (as well as all the side gates) have been broken 90% of the time I've lived here (almost two years!) and that's an amenity/feature we pay for. I reminded them I've been patient about that, as have all the tenants. We haven't demanded money off our rent and they should consider customer loyalty in this circumstance.

"I'll make sure and pass your message on to corporate...". Gee thanks. This isn't over.

Shelby came home and headed to her room to change. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeck!" Came out, arms flapping screaming there's a mouse in her room.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Maintenance called. Mouse trap set. Little girl sad upon finding out it will kill said mouse. I explained how they carry disease, bacteria, etc... . "Oooooh. Gross." All is fine again.

Phone rang. It was someone I really didn't want to talk to and whenever this person calls, it's always drama/problems/stress. No. It was no one who reads this.

Now...I'm in bed. I'm worn out. As I look back on the day, half-way chuckling at it all...It's easy to admit I'm tired of being embarrassed about my life. I'm tired of somehow, and very unintentionally, being pathetic in the eyes of my friends. I know, I know, I know, I know the stuff I have going on is beyond old for them. I KNOW THIS. They would probably search the skies for pigs if I didn't have some kind of something going wrong. IT'S HUMILIATING. I do not enjoy it. I do not want hand-outs. I knew this was going to be tough. I just didn't know HOW tough. I'm a household of one income. When something happens to that income, no matter how much I plan for success, all hell breaks loose. At some point, I'm sure my friends think (and even the ones closest to me)..."Good grief! What are you doing that is causing all this?"

I know I'm making good choices. The best ones I have available to me. God knows I am, too. That's all that matters, right?

So don't worry friends...I won't be contacting you to air any of my 'issues'. When you text me tomorrow and ask how things are, ask if I have any job leads, etc...I'll say, "All is fine! It's a new day!"

Because it will be.

As KO sweetly said today, "You are a strong, faithful woman and friend who has been caught up in a series of bad events. I'm proud to call you my friend and you are anything but 'pathetic." I'm going to choose to believe that.

Once again (for the umpteenth time), I eternally grateful for the friends who have been so sweet. So patient. So supportive. Never ignoring my same song, twenty-fourth verse stuff. Always there for me. I hope and pray I always treat my friends with that type of unconditional love. I'll always make time for you.

Even when I'm a big-whig in the job I'm surely about to get offered. :) Wherever that may be!

Always remember and never forget: It doesn't matter how often you get knocked down. It only matters how often you get back up.

KEEP WAITING

Amazement Awaits
By Maya Angelou

 Sheer amazement awaits
Amazement luxuriant in promise
Abundant in wonder
Our beautiful children arrive at this Universal stadium
They have bathed in the waters of the world
And carry the soft silt of the Amazon, the Nile,
The Danube, the Rhine, the Yangtze and the Mississippi
In the palms of their right hands.
A wild tiger nestles in each armpit
And a meadowlark perches on each shoulder.
We, the world audience, stand, arms akimbo,
Longing for the passion of the animal
And the melody of the lark
The tigers passion attend the opening bells,
The birds sing of the amazement which awaits.
The miracle of joy that comes out of the gathering of our best, bringing their best,
Displaying the splendor of their bodies and the radiance of their agile minds to the cosmos.
Encouragement to those other youth caught in the maws of poverty,
Crippled by the terror of ignorance.
They say Brothers and Sisters, Yes, try. Then try harder.
Lunge forward, press eagerly for release.
The amazement which awaits is for you.
We are here at the portal of the world we had wished for
At the lintel of the world we most need.
We are here roaring and singing.
We prove that we can not only make peace, we can bring it with us.
With respect for the world and its people,
We can compete passionately without hatred.
With respect for the world and its people,
We can take pride in the achievement of strangers.
With respect for the world and its people,
We can share openly in the success of friends.
Here then is the Amazement
Against the odds of impending war
In the mouth of bloody greed
Human grace and human spirit can still conquer.
Ah … We discover, we ourselves
Are the Amazement which awaits
We are ourselves Amazement.


She wrote this for the 2008 Olympians and released it again today for the 2012 Olympians.

But read it. It applies to us all. You. Me. Friends. People we don't know and will never know.

Against all odds. Amazement Awaits.

ME LIKEY THIS ONE

I can't tell you how many times I've clicked on this button in the past two weeks.

Attention Texas Workforce Commission...I've MORE than done my required five job inquiries per week.

I've read 1,304 job description, but NONE have fit me more than the one I applied for today.

Basically, it's the creative manager for a very popular restaurant chain's print production. That's right menus, POPs (that's Point of Purchase displays for all you non-creative job types)...basically anything the public sees.

Ummmmmmm...YES PLEASE!

I've had many people ask me how the job search is going. I actually get asked many times a day. It's very thoughtful of them to ask and a constant reminder they are thinking of me. It's also a reminder I've literally had ZERO good leads. And having to say, "Nothing new" is depressing.

I was very excited about this particular position and applied immediately (along with hundreds, if not thousands of others I'm sure). However, **I** am beyond qualified for this position. **I** would love doing this job. **I** would complete the tasks of this job with gusto!

So while I don't want to expose the name of the company just yet. I will tell you there's a specific day of the week we all love the most. :::hint hint:::

SMALL TOWN USA

Windridge Farm.

It could very well be my happy place. My real happy place. Not the one I have to imagine in my dreams or look at pictures of on the internet (insert the amazing, tranquil, aqua waters with the bungalow suites actually on the ocean waters in Bora Bora here).

No, this is real. Being that Shelby's horseback lessons have had to be very early in the morning during the summer (we're talking a starting time of 6:30-7:30 a.m., depending on her trainer's schedule). It's in the country. It's quiet. The only noises you hear are the horses being taken to the pastures and they whinny with excitement to break free of their stalls. There's dew on the grass. The leaves on the trees are still dancing from the morning breeze. No smog. No car horns. No traffic. It's heavenly.

Last night was even better.

Have you ever seen the movie Doc Hollywood? I had the pleasure of being immersed right, smack-dab in the middle of that type of atmosphere last night.

It was team penning night at Windridge Farm. We got there early so Shelby and her BFF could ride, then we all offered help to get things set-up. Got horses out of their trailers, tied them in the pen and under the shade. Brought trash cans out. Turned hot dogs on the charcoal grill.

People brought their folding chairs and sat them under the huge, oak trees. Popped tops to original Coors beer. Kids had water bottles on ice and literally ran around for hours. Climbed trees. Teased the cows. Took turns on the rope swing hanging from the tree. Chased grasshoppers, then later...the little ones searched for lightening bugs. And laughed. Loudly.

As many times as the cows tried to take a nap in between penning (no kidding!), they were constantly reminded they were there to run.

The boys finally took cover from the girls in the "Man Cave" and decided they would play poker. It wasn't long before the clear and semi-cool weather beckoned them back outside. No video games. No texting. This alone makes a mom smile from the inside-out.

I can't wait for the day (being very optimistic here) I can offer my kids the outdoors again. I remember at their age, I was outside all the time. From being at the community pool to playing nighttime tag until the huge, triangular bell was rung calling "time to come it!".

That's what they want, too. It's what I want for them. Believe me...you tend to take it for granted when you are in a house. I'll admit, I never really thought about it. That was until we moved into an apartment.

I'm working on it kids. We'll get there!

WHAM, BAM...THANK YOU MA'AM!

Looking back on posts, it's clear I've been frustrated. To say the least.

In my defense (you knew that was coming), I've had some disappointments, by way of both circumstances and people in my life lately.

Anyone who knows me personally and knows about this blog knows this is how I vent. This is how I get things off my chest.

I've always said it's a choice to be happy and I do believe that.

I just neglected to take the steps necessary to be happy and unknowingly (and very naively) thought I could just jump from being disappointed to immediate happiness. Similar to a light switch.

That's not a realistic expectation.

And while I am happy with my life, I find I am still allowing people and circumstances to take that happiness away from me from time-to-time. It's like a pattern I fall back into. Part of me thinks I'd be mean to let the person(s) know what they are doing is not okay. In essence, I've confused being mean with taking up for myself. There's a huge difference.

I don't want to look back on my life with huge regrets. I know I'll have some, who wouldn't? But I want to be the best ME God wants me to be. And I know I would regret letting people step all over me because they think I won't do anything about it. That's not what I'd want my children to do.

It all comes down to self-confidence. Mine has always been low. It took a big hit a couple years ago and spread throughout many areas of my life like a wildfire in 80 mph wind. So now...now I'm building it back from the ground up.

First up...GET BACK IN SHAPE. How many times do I have to say I want to do this before I do it?!?! Get ready Ang...we're getting ready to start hitting each other again. Ahhhhhhhh...this is gonna be great.

Yes, I need a job first to pay for it. Title Boxing Club of Allen...open:open:open.

But then...BAM! It's gonna feel good to picture my 'problems' then knock the crap out of them!

Always remember and never forget: When you should grab something, grab it! Likewise, when you should let it go...let it go.

FROM HOT WEATHER TO FAIR WEATHER

What does a divorced, single-mom of two, foster mom to a Boxer named Rosie who is enduring heart worm treatment, living in a small apartment and constantly telling your kids, "Shhhhh! Don't stomp! People live below us!", solely dealing with the IRS for a debt that isn't yours, counseling your 9 year old daughter on particular people/relationships she's having a tough time understanding, trying to have real friends in your life who are there for you and not just asking for your help with they need something, living in 110+ degree Texas heat (::::::deep breath:::::::) AND on top of everything else, you lose your job?

You go swimming.

Shelby has been asking all week to go swimming. Simple request. Right?

But when you are juggling all the said things above, it's tough to reason it's okay to do that because I know all I need to do right now is find a job.

But that face. Her recent empty feeling of importance with others. The amazingly mature conversations we've been having, always with the preface of, "This is between me and you...right momma?"

You and I. Yes baby. I promise.

Today I closed my laptop. Left my phone behind. Pulled our hair up in ponytails. Made big cups of ice water. And we set out.

Hot doesn't even begin to describe the temperature outside today. We set a record-high in DFW today. Officially I think they said it was 108, but it was well over 110 here. (Did you know they take the official temp in the shade? Just FYI.)

After doing 342 flips. Jumping off my shoulders (my knees, my hands, my stomach...ouch) 231 times and over my knees and arms 154 times (this required me holding my legs and arms horizontal so I went ahead and counted it as a workout)...we headed back. Once home, I got a huge dose of reality and a reminder of the simple act a child needs. Individual attention.

I know. I know. We are all busy. Trying to do everything and then some. And even though I spend a great deal of one-on-one time with both of my kids, it's nice to know they notice when all is purposely set aside just for them. Looking back: very little time actually sacrificed to make a big impression.

Momma...thank you so much for making time for me.

    Honey. Of course. Do I not make enough time for you?

Yes. You do. But thank you for doing it today when I asked. I asked because I needed you.

    You don't always need me? Is that what you're saying? What's this?! (we laugh...'what's this' is one of our favorite lines from a Looney Toons show).

Of course I do! You know what I mean. I always know you love me. And that's a good feeling.


Again, I know it's not always the easiest task to just stop what you're doing when you're plate is full of work, responsibilities, etc... . Especially when there's one of you and two kiddos. But we do our best. Juggle with the skill of a one-armed person with two fingers. We get creative.

You smile when they ask to go out to eat and you can't afford it. Then employ their help in the kitchen, make it entertainment (as well as dinner) and dub them as your sous chefs.

I've (we've) been handed a ton of challenges these past few years. I know I have done everything to make lemonade out of lemons. Still, it's comical almost at the poop-on-a-stick things that keep rolling our way. I honestly believe some friends (as right now I use that word loosely) are probably thinking one person can't possible have these many crisis balls in the air without somehow inviting them to come one over. I promise you, that is not the case. This is simply my very, long, uphill climb on this rollercoaster of life. I know the downhill portion is around the bend. Somewhere!

I'm there for my friends when they need me. This I know. Whether it's updating their resume, doing graphics work (always for free), lending money if I have any, just listening when they feel like crying, or meeting them to have a drink when they need to vent. I'm there.

Like Shelby, I notice when the effort is reciprocated.

And also like her, I notice when it's not.


Always remember and never forget: Sacrifice is one of the purest and most selfless ways to show someone you care about them. Practice it daily.

APPLICATIONS, EMAILS AND A MOUSE

I've officially applied for more jobs in one day than any one person has the right to. Between Indeed.com, CareerBuilder.com and numerous blind messages from people just trying to build their contacts and sales teams...I can't see straight.

Then I receive this. An actual "valid" message...

Hi Terri. I'm a recruiter in the home building industry. I'm looking for a Strategic Marketing Manager in Dallas. Could you please let me know a good number where I can reach you?

Hmmmmmmm... . Home building industry...ugh. Back to that again? I swore I'd never do it after the bottom fell out of this industry years ago. Never say never, right?

Then, talk about looking over your shoulder, I also applied for an open position with an NBA minor league team in town. Immediately, I had to let AC know. She's the only woman I know who is more knowledgeable more about basketball than most men. Her and her hubs have been Mavs season ticket holders for as long as I can remember (BEFORE they were 'cool' and champions...that's saying something).

Her reply?

Cool!! Would we get to travel????

Hit the "back" button on the application.

Under "additional notes" I write: Just so you know, I will show up to work with a mouse in my pocket. Not to worry, said mouse can hold her own. Thank you.

BROKEN

The biggest thing she has to worry about right now is how she wants the pillows, comforter and blanket to lie on her bed "just so".

His biggest concern is that his new XBox headphones will work each game and that he gets his room cleaned each morning prior to playing.

And that's just how it should be. Kids shouldn't have to experience stress.

But somewhere between there and here...it happens. We grow up. We take on additional responsibilities. Additional hardships. Additional finances. And therefore, additional stress.

I got laid-off for the second time in my life and in only one year's time. And received zero severance pay for either job (I'm sorry, but if you give someone NO warning...you should give them at least a week or two!).

The first job I got laid-off from, I didn't really like, but I DID need the money so it was obviously stressful.

But this job...this job I liked. I gave it my all. I didn't have someone watching over my shoulder making sure I was making my sales calls or confirming I was following-up. I was doing what I needed to do. Part of me feels like I was set-up for failure as I received no training. No direction as to where to go for needed sales, until it was too late. The other part of me knows looking back is a waste of time.

I find myself, once again, in an extremely stressful position. I've discovered I am never jealous of others until I'm in this position. I HAVE to work. I also WANT to work. But there's a gaping, huge breath of air difference between 'have to' and 'want to'. The kind that leaves a cramp in your gut you just can't seem to ease yourself out of.

I know if it were just me I had to take care of, I'd still have stress, but not at all compared to the kind I have with two little ones needing me.

My focus turned from sheer fear to "I'm being watched on how I handle this" not even one hour after I lost this job.

These kids are watching me...again...and I'm showing them how to respond to how we react to life's challenges. I'm showing them how, as an adult, we are supposed to respond.

Then today when we received bad news about the amazingly sweet dog (Rosie) we are fostering, I was in the position again. Are you kidding me?

I've done a lot of crying over the past two days. It's what I do. I'm a cryer. My kiddos are used to this. Whether it's a television commercial about long distance or it's a divorce, they know this is a normal emotion. (Though I've told them sometimes their silly mom cries more than most!).

When we had to leave Rosie at the vet today after we were expecting to be able to take her home, I walked toward the car and said, "Ughhhhhhhh! I am SO tired of bad things happening!", Ben put his arm around me and said, "I'm sorry mom. You've had a lot of bad things lately. But you always fight back. You're a winner."

Shelby added, "Yeah! I have an idea...let's just not think about the bad things. They're going to be there whether we think about them or not, so let's just not even think about them. Mom...that company should have kept you or at least let you know sooner you may not have a job soon. That's not cool! And we'll pray for Rosie right now. God will take care of that one."

Wow.

As always, these kids lift me up. Higher than I ever thought was possible for kids to do. And it's not their job to have to lift me up, right? Does that put me in the bad mom category? Great...now I'm going to beat myself up about that.

I thanked them and told them how awesome they were.

Shelby said, "We got it from you. Remember...you told me that one day I will fall off the horse and when I do, I've got to get back up? Remember that? You always get back up."

And I will. At some point, I'll stop asking, "Why me? Why am I not due for good things? Why do others have it easier? Why can't I coast yet? Why does everyone else have someone to lean on?"

And I KNOW my friends will say I have them. It's different. Most of the time I am totally fine with it. Right now, it's a very lonely feeling.

Right now I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared to death. I'm having some type of pity party and I'm even pissed off about that. I just want a stable job I like and to be able to go to bed at night not worrying if I'll have enough money to buy necessities for two kids and myself. How am I going to pay rent? Buy food? Take them to the doctor?

I KNOW others have worse issues. But THIS is my reality right now.

I put on a 'brave face' every day and say, "I'm fine!". But let it be known...at this point...I'm officially broken.

OLYMPIC SISSY RIDIN'

Watching Olympic Equestrian event today, my kids make the following observations...

Belle: That's it? What? Are u just going to ride around like a sissy?!!!! Geeez!

Ben: Well for crying out loud...YOU could do THAT Shelby!

Belle: Duh!! Except I'd fall asleep from being so bored. Change it. This is horrible. Ugh. I mean really!!!?

INTERVIEW OF A 9 & 12 YEAR OLD

Kim has been "interviewing" her daughter for years now. Watching how the answers change. What stays the same. At this age, you never know. I thought it was a great idea and boy was it. These kids crack me up! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!


Let's find out a few favorites first...
SHELBY
Color: Neon Yellow
Number: 16
Song: Titanium
TV Show: Victorious
Movie: Little Rascals
Holiday: Christmas!!
Book: Dork Diaries
Food: Fried Chicken
Drink: Orange Soda

BEN
Color: Blue
Number: 10
Song: Men in Black III
TV Show: Friends
Movie: The Avengers
Holiday: Christmas!!
Book: The Kane Chronicles
Food: Pizza
Drink: Dr Pepper

Now let's get down to business....


If you could change your name, what would it be?
Shelby: Hope
Ben: Jack

If you could choose anywhere in the world to go on vacation, where would you go?
Shelby: Paris
Ben: London

Why do you like being a kid?
Shelby: Because I don’t have to move out of the house and get to live with mom.
Ben: Because I don't have to go to work.

What is one word that you would use to describe yourself?
Shelby: Wild
Ben: Awesome

One word to describe Mommy?
Shelby: Crazy
Ben: Amazing

Shelby: One word to describe Ben?
Loud
Ben: One word to describe Shelby?
Cool

What do you like to do for fun?
Shelby: Ride horses and wakeboard.
Ben: Customize and build Legos

What do I like to do for fun?
Shelby: Hang out with me and Ben.
Ben: Hang out with me and Shelby.

Shelby: What does Ben like to do for fun?
Play XBox
Ben: What does Shelby like to do for fun?
Ride horses

If you could choose the amount of your allowance each week, how much should you get?
Shelby: $10
Ben: $10-20

What is your happiest memory?
Shelby: Going to Disney World with my family.
Ben: When we all went to the beach for the first time in Port Aransas


What is your saddest memory?
Shelby: When our boxer Duke died.
Ben: When I broke my arm.

What makes you mad?
Shelby: When people judge me.
Ben: When people litter.

When was the last time you got into trouble?
Shelby: Yesterday.
Ben: I don't know...a couple weeks ago?

Who is your hero?
Shelby: My momma.
Ben: Dad.

If you could do anything (without limits) what would you do?
Shelby: I would go to Sea World and swim with Shamu.
Ben: Swim in the crystal clear waters of Florida.

Do you love me?
Shelby: Yes!
Ben: What? Duh! Absolutely, definitely and forever!

Am I the best Mommy ever?
Shelby: Yes.
Ben: Of course!

THE NOSE KNOWS

Maybe I'm the only one who does this. I don't know.

It never fails, after I've finished my shopping at Target, on my way to the cash register...I go through my cart and see what I need to put back.

Did I put anything in here I don't really need?

Did I succumb to an impulse purchase?

Is there anything in here I don't really need now and that may be on sale next week?

Always, always, always...this happens.

And every time I find something I can put back.

So why do I pick it up in the first place? Goodness knows my Target bill is always more than I think it should be (which is why I shop at Walmart whenever possible). But sometimes, only Target will do.

Today, I came home with more than I planned, but that's really nothing new. Things that I really don't "need", but in a way I do.

What are they?

My Febreeze plug-ins. Particular candles. And my potpourri pot warmer that melts those oh-so-amazing wax pods. My new favorite? Amber Leather. Ahhhhhh...

What can I say? I MUST LIVE IN A SMELL-GOOD ENVIRONMENT! If you've been to my home, you know this.

Things that smell good make me happy. Makes me smile and want to breathe deep. Certain aromas even calm me.

So I'd say "need" is an appropriate word in this situation. My nose knows what's important.