IT'S WHEN YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM THAT YOU START LOOKING UP

It gives me chills thinking back on this.

A couple years ago, a day after a...we'll just call it...really bad day in my life, I climbed in my car to take my kids to school. I started the morning as I always had. Alarm went off. Crawled out of bed. Washed my eyes (being a long-time allergy sufferer, it's just what I do). Got my cup of coffee. Woke the kids up. Got them breakfast. Got them dressed. Then off we went.

On the way back home from dropping them off at school is when I allowed the emotions to come out. Then a song came on the radio I'd never heard before.

"Going Through the Motions" by Matthew West.

It floored me that it had come on when it did. It was literally describing the details of what my mind had been wrestling with. Come to find out, God had already been hard at work in my life...I just didn't know it yet.

Fast-forward to this past Friday.

On my way to work, I heard the following song. Once again by Matthew West. I had never heard it prior to this day.

Given how the events of the day were about to unfold, I should have recognized it as a prelude to God once again being hard at work in my life...and true to form, I just didn't know it yet.

Amazing.


Strong Enough by Matthew West

You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
Well that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

STATISTICS

"Can I Have Your Attention, Please?"

This was the name of the sermon this morning at church.

The pastor talked about things God does to get our attention and how sometimes, when we don't listen to His whispers or His taps on the shoulder, He eventually has to hit us square between the eyes with a two-by-four.

Friday morning I got a swift and very unexpected smack.

For once again in my life, I received an unwelcome invitation to become a part of yet another group in which I had absolutely no interest in joining.

This time: Unemployed.

With a simple email to less than a dozen employees stating only, "Meet me in the conference room in 5 minutes" we were told our positions no longer existed.

To make matters worse, this was an immediate departure and our benefits were to end at the end of that day.

No severance pay. No warning. Nothing.

We all sat in silence listening to the apologies. Then afterwards, we cried a little. Hugged. Swapped phone numbers and personal emails. Assured each other we would keep in touch and make sure and pass along any job leads that may apply to the other person.

But mostly we were shocked. I still am.

I immediately let some people know who I thought may be in a position to help me find a job. Contacted a friend who is in charge of Human Resources for the company she works for to look over the letter I was handed stating my being laid-off (I suppose for reasons of collecting unemployment) and if my benefits ending on that day was actually accurate (or legal).

On my drive home, I decided I'd give myself a little time before the kids got home to be upset. Because when they got home, I wanted to tell them what happened but also be able to assure them things were going to be fine. I don't believe in hiding every 'bad' thing from them, otherwise they'll never actually learn by watching someone handle obstacles presented before them.

So tomorrow starts yet another 'new-kind-of-normal' for me. After dropping the kids off at school, I'll return home to hit the ground running at a full-sprint to try and find a job as quickly as possible. I was really hoping my next job would allow me to do something I love. Something more closely related to my field. I'd hoped to have a little (okay, a lot) more time to search for something. Unfortunately, it's looking like I may have to take one of first things that comes my way in order to take care of business under this roof we call 'home'.

I'm forever grateful for the friend who unexpectedly showed up at my door Friday with a week's worth of groceries saying, "Here's one less thing you have to worry about right now". I embarrassingly cried, both out of gratitude and embarrassment. I absolutely despise being in a position of need, even though I'm sure by this time it's become part of my persona. And I hate that, too. I like being the one to help. I like being the one who 'comes to the rescue'. And truth be told, I haven't been able to do that, at least not in the sense of things like this, for a long time.

I'm thankful for the prayers I know the kids and I are receiving.

And I'm hopeful those prayers bring what I need most right now and what no one can help me with...a paycheck. Well, I guess one person can help with that, I just haven't met them yet.

My next employer.

Whoever said 'money doesn't solve problems' hasn't lived in my shoes. I can't think of one, single thing money wouldn't help with right now.

I'm hopeful I don't last long in this particular statistical category.

Trying to Always Remember and Never Forget: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6.

COURAGE MAY INVOLVE BEING SCARED, BUT YOU SADDLE UP ANYWAY

I am loving all these first week of school stories. They're always good, but this year the kids seem to be sharing more info. I remember all to well the days of picking them up after school, asking about their day and getting nothing more than, "It was good".

I'd ask open ended questions and inevitably...and whatever the question...get the all-encompassing answer of, "Nothing".

So, this year, I'm relishing in all the information.

Today, Shelby was telling me about all the new kids in school. One little girl in particular.

"She's really nice. Wears glasses. And she always wears a necklace with a cross on it, so I know we have things in common." Love that!

I asked what her name was and Shelby said, "I can't remember. But don't worry...it's my goal tomorrow to get her name and never forget it again. I want her to be my friend and for her to know people like her. I don't think I'd like being new."

I've been the 'new girl' in school before and it wasn't so bad. Of course I was in high school and did NOT want to move, but it ended up working out and I somehow survived it. :-)

I like meeting new people. More so now than I used to. I used to be a lot more self-conscious about it, but am learning to master the skill.

What I'm still not great at is letting people go who I know don't really belong in my life. Maybe we've grown apart. Maybe it's just not a healthy relationship any more. There are various reasons. The art of saying 'Goodbye" is one I haven't yet mastered. I guess some people know how to do it, but I doubt it's ever done flawlessly.

Someone always gets hurt.

But to think they won't survive is egotistical, at best.

And to continue on burying my head is living a lie. And God knows I've had enough lies for a couple lifetimes.

I never really thought of this as being a skill I'd need to teach the kids, but I sure wish someone had gone over it with me in my younger life. I've got to admit, Ben seems to have it down. Shelby is more like me. Thinks with her heart more than her head. Just like her momma. Sometimes that's good. But when faced with releasing someone from your life, even if they may not be interested in the relationship ending...that's where it had always been a problem for me.

And this is exactly where my heart and head have started working together. The reason I've decided that, uncomfortable or not, sometimes they have to figure out a way to sync. If for no other reason than not to delay the inevitable and cause even more hurt in the process.

The process of distancing oneself from a relationship isn't fun, but sometimes it's necessary in order to move forward in life to the next stage.

There's a whole list of adjectives I'm going to have to call on to be at their highest alert. Courage. Grace. Respect. Honest. And even love. Maybe mostly love.

Always remember and never forget: The toughest part of moving forward is not looking back.

SIZING UP TO BE A 'BIG' YEAR ALREADY

6th Grader and 3rd Grader...1st Day of School 2011!

Yesterday marked the kiddos first day of school this year. They were so anxious to get started, due in part to the fact they were pretty much tired of staring at the walls.

Ben started kindergarten at Boon Elementary the first year it opened, so his 6th grade class this year will be the first graduating class that started at the school. I have the exact same picture as below of him from Kindergarten that I'm still searching for!



Last year in front of the E.T. Boon sign for Ben.

 Funny enough, they all classify themselves as "middle schoolers" already since Allen is 'the only school district around' (their words) who doesn't promote 6th grade into middle school, but keeps them with the 'kids'.

Shelby started 3rd grade this year and this is the first time her class is upstairs...with 'the big kids'. And to top it off, they get a 1st grade class as their buddy class so she's feeling pretty big-girl herself.

In 6th grade, a few things change for them. They switch classes by subject and do so by groups versus their homeroom class. All in preparing them for the schedule that will await them next year in middle school. In addition, they choose an 'elective' this year (actually chose it at the end of last year for this year). They could take Choir, Band or Orchestra. Ben chose choir. Good choice. :-)

Which led to today's story...one of those proud-mom moments and had I not been working from home, I would have missed the 'guess what' enthusiasm that came with the story, if not the story altogether.

They walk in the door and after hearing a few things about their day, Ben tells me the following...


...and guess what else? On the way home there was a big branch on the trail and I had to run up ahead and move it.

    You ran up ahead of the people you walked home with?

Yes. Because some were on bikes and it was easier for me to just drop my scooter, run ahead and move it, then get back on and catch up.

    That was nice of you.

And also, I helped Laura (a girl in his class this year...name changed here, of course) carry her violin home.

    You did?

Of course. She was on her bike and it was hard for her to carry it, so I brought it home for her. It was just the right thing to do.

    Yes. Yes it was. Way to go, Ben.


It's gonna be an interesting year, indeed. :-)

OUR LIFE IS BUILT OF "FIRSTS"

This is quite possibly one of the sweetest things I've ever read. As our kids prepare to go back for another year of school, it makes me think of Ben and Shelby's first day of kindergarten. Yeah, yeah...brings a tear to my eye. And not just one tear.

So even though I didn't write it, I'll make sure Ben and Shelby hear what it says because it's all so very true. I didn't have to write it to totally believe it and pray for the same things for my kiddos. I love you two so much. ~Mom

An Open Letter to My Son on His First Day of Kindergarten

Dear Jake,

I’m writing you this letter because you still think I know something.  In fact, you think I know everything.  I would tell you that you’re mistaken, but you’ll come to that conclusion on your own in about 8-10 years.

At that point, you’ll think I know nothing.

Then I could tell you you’re mistaken too, but you’ll come to that conclusion on your own 8-10 years after that. 

At which time, you’ll know I’m just a guy.  A guy who happens to be your dad.  The one who occasionally gives you money but won’t let you move back into our house.  But while we’re still in that magical place where you see me as a superhero, pit crew chief, doctor, pastor, and professional athlete, allow me to share a few words of wisdom with you.  It’s important stuff, so pay attention.

No, I’m serious.

Put that down.

And get your finger out of your nose.

I mean it.

One… two… th-

OK.  That’s more like it.

Today is your first day of school.  Ever.  For a short time, your success will not be measured in grades.  Instead, you’ll know it’s been a good day when you come home exhausted, smelling of stale milk and kid sweat.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Enjoy it!

You’ll have some choices to make today.  First things first, you’ll want to make some friends.  My advice?  Choose carefully.  But don’t judge a book by its cover.  The kid in the corner eating Elmer’s glue is probably the kind of friend who would give you the shirt off his back, the best thing in his lunchbox, and would tell you when you were doing something stupid.   He also wouldn’t rat you out when you did it anyway.  That’s the kind of friend I hope you grow to be.

What about the kid who knows all of the cool new words for private parts?

He might be good for a few laughs.  He might even teach you how to put a mirror on your shoe so you can look up Amy Clifton’s skirt.  But beware.  He’ll also try to rope you into the mix when he gets caught stealing a pack of Now & Laters at the Itty Bitty.

Again.  Choose carefully.  I know the kind of guy you are.  You’ll know character when you see it.

While we’re on the subject, someday you and one of these new friends might decide it would be funny  to bake chocolate chip cookies and put Kibbles n Bits in some of them.  Then you’ll think it would be even funnier to play a joke and feed them to that weirdo in class who is always getting into trouble.

You’ll do it.  And the other kids will laugh.  Hard.  But the weirdo kid won’t.  He’ll play it off like it’s no big deal, but you’ll be able to tell by the way his smile doesn’t quite curl like it should that he’s crying inside.  You’ll feel so bad about it later that you’ll eat one of those dog food cookies.

And another.

Just to try and make it right.

But it won’t work. You’ll have to do something harder.  You’ll have to apologize in person.  Right to his face.  Tell him how horrible you were, and horrible you feel.  And he’ll still be crying, inside and out.  Because sometimes words can’t fix everything.

Trust me.  It’s better to never make the cookies in the first place.

And one day, I’m not sure when, some adult is going to tell you, “It’s better to give than to receive.”  Take this one to heart, because they are absolutely right.  But please note the following exceptions to the rule.  Sucker punches, atomic wedgies, and haircuts with safety scissors.  With these, you should avoid both the giving and the receiving.

Also note that you will be measured from this day forward.  We adults like to do that kind of thing.  Makes us feel smarter, I guess.  You’re a pretty sharp kid, so my guess is you’ll be put in the Red Robin Rockets reading group or something like that.  But remember, just ‘cuz you’re there doesn’t make you any better than all the kids in the Brown Barn Swallow reading group.  Trust me.  There are Brown Barn Swallow groups all over this world, and sooner or later you’ll belong to one of them.

As you’ve probably already learned, Ms. Pilkinton is the one who hands out smiley faces.  There are lots of Ms. Pilkintons in the world, too.  I recommend that you always go for the smiley face, Jake.  Not because Ms. Pilkinton likes it, but because it feels good to work hard and do the right thing.  If you do this enough, you’ll build up a strong muscle called integrity.  It’s right in the middle of your chest.  You’ll need this muscle for the times when some other person who doesn’t smell like roses and cake (like Ms. Pilkinton does) offers you a smiley face to treat someone else unfairly.  This is a tricky one, but you’ll know by then what’s a real smiley face, and what’s just a yellow circle with some dots and a curvy line.

And now for the most important thing of all.

Make mistakes.

Lots of ‘em.

But don’t make the same one twice.

You’ll learn more from your mistakes than you will during the 15,210 hours your little tush will be sitting in a classroom between now and your high school graduation.    That’s what they call “growing up.”

(And, in case you’re wondering, I used math to perform the “tush in seat” calculation. Did it the old-fashioned way.  Paper and pencil.)

Time to go now.  You woke up forty minutes before your alarm clock went off this morning, fueled by a love of learning and a burning desire to break in your new, monogrammed backpack.  I love how you get so excited about the little things in life.  They always seem to bring you the most satisfaction.  Paper airplanes.  Stomping puddles.  Lightning bugs.  One day you’ll forget how cool these things are.  And when that happens, I pray that God sends you a 48-pound savant filled with sage wisdom and corn syrup-laced snacks to remind you.

I love you, buddy,

Dad

(Taken from The Accidental Missionary blog)

SLEEP A LITTLE, WALK A LITTLE, PICK A LITTLE

For as long as I can remember, Ben has participated in the finely tuned skill of sleepwalking.

He actually used to have night terrors, as well. Couple those with the sleep walking and living in a two-story house and it made for one nervous momma. I remember putting the dog gate at the top of the stairs for a period of time to try and deter the possibility of him stumbling down the staircase.

Then, thankfully, he had his tonsils and adenoids out. The night terrors, as well as the nasty case of strep we couldn't rid him of, became a thing of the past.

But the sleepwalking and talking persists. And he *never* remembers it. Ever. You can carry on a conversation with him and he still won't recall it. Usually his words are pretty mumbled and he doesn't make much sense, but other times he will just talk and talk.

And it sometimes cracks me up. Take last night for example.

Around three this morning I awoke to something playing with my feet.

I look up and there's Ben and he's grabbing at my feet. Almost like he's picking flowers or the motion you would make while picking things up off the floor.

Ben...what are you doing??

Oh...I just have a few things to grab in here.

Ummmm, no you don't. Honey, you're sleeping. C'mon. Let's get you back to bed.
And then he stood straight up, drew his hands up in front of him and took off out my bedroom door like he was quickly tip-toeing down the hallway like was sneaking off.

I couldn't have been more than 4-5 seconds behind him, but when I got to his room he was already passed out on his bed.

I asked him today if he remembered it and of course his answer was, "No!".

Ben...I have no idea what you were dreaming about (nor do you remember!), but I hope you were grabbing at something great. I am curious why you were sneaking though....? It's not like you to be dishonest.

I know...you was picking "air flowers" for me again. Hahahaha!!! :-) You'll never forget that...nor will I.

LET'S CALL IT AN ART

"Watch your words diligently. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. This ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in My image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly....Ask my Spirit to help you whenever you speak."
~ Jesus Calling, 365 Day Devotional

This is part of the devotional I read the other morning. Needless to say, it hit home.

How much more peace we would be responsible in creating if we'd just learn to think first, then speak.

All of us. I'm including myself in on this!

Before we start telling others our opinions, thoughts, beliefs...stop. Think. Will these words hurt? Are they really necessary? Would I want them said to me? Is it my place?

It takes a strong person to learn the art of keeping quiet.

I, for one, will be working on this lost art.