What did I really want to do tonight? Relax.
What did I really need to do tonight? Go running.
Why didn't I do either?
I actually have two very good reasons for that. One: I need new running shoes. The ones I have are 2 years old (at least) and my feet have revolted for the last time that there will be NO more running until I obtain new ones. That is first on the list after tomorrow's paycheck.
The second reason: My little fish wanted to go swimming and being that it's actually been hot outside and she's got some major Spring Fever...I decided to make her night.
Today: Happy fish.
Tomorrow: Happy feet.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
THAT WAS WHEN I RULED THE WORLD
Today turned out to be a prime example of how quickly a day can turn from good to holy-crap-how-did-I-get-here?!
As soon as I got home from work, it became clear it was a day I didn't only need another me, but a couple other me's. Let's just say many (many) errands for two kiddos needed to be run, to several places in several towns.
After the last errand, I announced I was home for good and please don't ask me to go anywhere else. Oh yeah, and I got them KFC for dinner. Score yet another for Mom of the Year voting. I'm surely a shoe-in at this point...ha.
Fast forward to the end of the night and I see pen marks on the leather couch. Again. And I know exactly who did them. Again. I'll go ahead and admit right now I could have handled it better. I didn't yell or scream, but my exhaustion from the evenings treks along with my trying to keep this place clean got the better of me.
I knew my sweet girl was the culprit. She's done it before. The couches aren't prized possessions, in fact they were donated to us in very used-shape by a friend who knew we needed furniture, but they are all we have and I've tried to take care of them. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. But tonight, it was the proverbial "straw" that broke, well...my back.
Add on top of that, I glance around my surroundings and am reminded I'm raising two kids in an apartment, this isn't what I want for them, we could use a little more room and they should be able to go outside and play...swoooosh! It's easy for my thoughts to get carried-away. By now, you may (MAY) start to see why my mind sometimes starts swirling with "how did I get here" depression along with "what am I doing wrong", then add in "how does everyone else make it look so easy". Of course it's impossible to truly convey this roller coaster ride and it's ridiculous to think others have it so much better. Everyone has their battles. Everyone.
But tonight was mine.
Like I said, I didn't scream but I did let her know I was utterly tired of having to remind her time-after-time about this. She said it was an accident and was apologetic. (And I know it was an accident). It's a stupid couch and I could have relayed the message so much better to her as I know I made her feel bad when what I really wanted to get across was "I need you to feel responsible enough for it to stop happeing, please". I will handle it better next time because tonight, I did it wrong. I was tired and over-stretched.
We are all our own worst critic when it comes to the type of mother we are. Especially if you are a single parent. Then you simply have no one else to blame and say, "Hey...YOU could've handled that better!" or tag when you are at your breaking point for the day and say, "You're turn. I don't have anything left."
After getting them both in bed. Telling them I loved them and sweet dreamerz, I headed to my room. To lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Silently.
I went over my usual "you suck" list in my head.
* You live in an apartment.
* You're raising two kids alone (yes, they have a dad who sees them every other weekend, but I'm talking the every single day kind of parenting...the kind that offers no respite).
* This was not the life I had in mind.
* These kids are too awesome and deserve so much better than this.
* You make a ridiculous amount less money than you used to.
* You need to be in better shape.
* You need to eat better.
* You definitely need more sleep.
* When is the last time you mopped in this bathroom, it's filthy!?
Then....knock, knock.
It's Ben.
Mom, come out here a second. I want you to hear something.
I wipe my eyes trying to hide the fact SuperMom was just locked in the bathroom, sitting on the bathmat crying. Oh hell...no use. I quickly decide, it's okay for them to know I cry. I know he hadn't heard me, but my sensitive Ben had apparently sensed I had hit a wall.
Hey Ben. What's up?
I just wanted you to hear a song that I listen to when I want to feel better.
He scans through his iPhone library and the next thing I hear is Coldplay's "Viva La Vida".
It reminds me of you only because I think it talks about being strong and not doing what everyone else is doing. And how it's okay to not have a lot...at least that's stuff I think it says.
He tells me to listen to it and I do. Just as I'm focusing on the words, he stops it.
What does that make you think of?
When things were easier. I answer.
See mom? That's why I wanted you to hear it. It always makes me feel better. But that's not just it. You still rule, Mom. You do. I wouldn't be here without you. I mean like LITERALLY, Mom! But also, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Whether we are in an apartment or a mansion, we don't care. You give us all we need. You love us more than anything and I know that for sure.
He puts his arm around me and has a big smile on his face because my Ben likes helping others and he just helped me.
DAYYYUM that kid (errr...teenager) is good. I know I can't take full credit, but I must be doing at least SOMETHING right. Right?!
Shelby came in and sat with us and agreed with all he said. Said as long as we're together, that's all that mattered. Then Stella felt the need to roll around and demand attention saying she too wanted to be part of this crazy trio and round our little family out to four.
Not every day is good. And not every day is bad. Sometimes it's okay to let your kids know, "I've hit my limit and need to sit on the floor and cry a little". Because they learn by example and how else will they figure out how turn turn the tears into joy and laughter with the help from some amazing kids and a foster dog who has earned her place in this crazy family.
Always remember and never forget: It's not a competition. We are all a little crazy and need help sometimes.
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
~Coldplay, Viva La Vida
As soon as I got home from work, it became clear it was a day I didn't only need another me, but a couple other me's. Let's just say many (many) errands for two kiddos needed to be run, to several places in several towns.
After the last errand, I announced I was home for good and please don't ask me to go anywhere else. Oh yeah, and I got them KFC for dinner. Score yet another for Mom of the Year voting. I'm surely a shoe-in at this point...ha.
Fast forward to the end of the night and I see pen marks on the leather couch. Again. And I know exactly who did them. Again. I'll go ahead and admit right now I could have handled it better. I didn't yell or scream, but my exhaustion from the evenings treks along with my trying to keep this place clean got the better of me.
I knew my sweet girl was the culprit. She's done it before. The couches aren't prized possessions, in fact they were donated to us in very used-shape by a friend who knew we needed furniture, but they are all we have and I've tried to take care of them. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. But tonight, it was the proverbial "straw" that broke, well...my back.
Add on top of that, I glance around my surroundings and am reminded I'm raising two kids in an apartment, this isn't what I want for them, we could use a little more room and they should be able to go outside and play...swoooosh! It's easy for my thoughts to get carried-away. By now, you may (MAY) start to see why my mind sometimes starts swirling with "how did I get here" depression along with "what am I doing wrong", then add in "how does everyone else make it look so easy". Of course it's impossible to truly convey this roller coaster ride and it's ridiculous to think others have it so much better. Everyone has their battles. Everyone.
But tonight was mine.
Like I said, I didn't scream but I did let her know I was utterly tired of having to remind her time-after-time about this. She said it was an accident and was apologetic. (And I know it was an accident). It's a stupid couch and I could have relayed the message so much better to her as I know I made her feel bad when what I really wanted to get across was "I need you to feel responsible enough for it to stop happeing, please". I will handle it better next time because tonight, I did it wrong. I was tired and over-stretched.
We are all our own worst critic when it comes to the type of mother we are. Especially if you are a single parent. Then you simply have no one else to blame and say, "Hey...YOU could've handled that better!" or tag when you are at your breaking point for the day and say, "You're turn. I don't have anything left."
After getting them both in bed. Telling them I loved them and sweet dreamerz, I headed to my room. To lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Silently.
I went over my usual "you suck" list in my head.
* You live in an apartment.
* You're raising two kids alone (yes, they have a dad who sees them every other weekend, but I'm talking the every single day kind of parenting...the kind that offers no respite).
* This was not the life I had in mind.
* These kids are too awesome and deserve so much better than this.
* You make a ridiculous amount less money than you used to.
* You need to be in better shape.
* You need to eat better.
* You definitely need more sleep.
* When is the last time you mopped in this bathroom, it's filthy!?
Then....knock, knock.
It's Ben.
Mom, come out here a second. I want you to hear something.
I wipe my eyes trying to hide the fact SuperMom was just locked in the bathroom, sitting on the bathmat crying. Oh hell...no use. I quickly decide, it's okay for them to know I cry. I know he hadn't heard me, but my sensitive Ben had apparently sensed I had hit a wall.
Hey Ben. What's up?
I just wanted you to hear a song that I listen to when I want to feel better.
He scans through his iPhone library and the next thing I hear is Coldplay's "Viva La Vida".
It reminds me of you only because I think it talks about being strong and not doing what everyone else is doing. And how it's okay to not have a lot...at least that's stuff I think it says.
He tells me to listen to it and I do. Just as I'm focusing on the words, he stops it.
What does that make you think of?
When things were easier. I answer.
See mom? That's why I wanted you to hear it. It always makes me feel better. But that's not just it. You still rule, Mom. You do. I wouldn't be here without you. I mean like LITERALLY, Mom! But also, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Whether we are in an apartment or a mansion, we don't care. You give us all we need. You love us more than anything and I know that for sure.
He puts his arm around me and has a big smile on his face because my Ben likes helping others and he just helped me.
DAYYYUM that kid (errr...teenager) is good. I know I can't take full credit, but I must be doing at least SOMETHING right. Right?!
Shelby came in and sat with us and agreed with all he said. Said as long as we're together, that's all that mattered. Then Stella felt the need to roll around and demand attention saying she too wanted to be part of this crazy trio and round our little family out to four.
Not every day is good. And not every day is bad. Sometimes it's okay to let your kids know, "I've hit my limit and need to sit on the floor and cry a little". Because they learn by example and how else will they figure out how turn turn the tears into joy and laughter with the help from some amazing kids and a foster dog who has earned her place in this crazy family.
Always remember and never forget: It's not a competition. We are all a little crazy and need help sometimes.
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
~Coldplay, Viva La Vida
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
YOU'RE NOT QUITE GETTIN' ME
Me: Shelby, you need to be more self-sufficient.
Shelby: I AM self-sufficient! Now what does that mean? Will you go get me the dictionary? And will you look it up for me and tell me the definition too?
Monday, April 1, 2013
TOUCHSTONES
It really doesn't take much to create a memory. Note the word 'create'. Lots of memories happen without any pre-planning required. But some take just a little effort.
It can be as simple as hiding Easter eggs for an almost 13 year-old boy (one week away!) and an almost 10 year-old girl (just another month!) in an apartment. Yes, an apartment. We used to have a large yard to hide them in. Trees, bushes, wispy fountain grass, daisies...all made for the perfect hiding spots.
These days it's an apartment with older kids whom, at first tell you, they're too old for an Easter Egg Hunt. Until they walk in the door from a weekend away from home, spot two baskets on each of their beds. One full of a very modest amount of goodies, but they're thrilled, nonetheless. And another basket that's empty. Because there are about 3-4 dozen eggs hidden around their rooms, living room and patio.
All of the sudden, the kids who were too old to hunt Easter Eggs are knocking each other down to try and find them.
When you're left with a minimal amount of 'things', a certain hunger begins to get rid of the rest of the waste. So much of what we all have is unnecessary. Me included. I've got so much down in my garage/storage that I need to donate. Maybe other people need it. And if not, I surely don't, because it's collecting dust.
Just give me my two Egg-Hunters and let requests like, "Momma...will you read me a book while I take a bubble bath?" continue to be happen on a regular basis and for as long as possible. Even though she cracks the bathroom door now. You know...modesty has hit. :)
Things and friends in our lives come and go. You can't really count on any of it.
But my kids are my foundation.
They...I cherish
They...I can always count on.
They...are all I really need.
It can be as simple as hiding Easter eggs for an almost 13 year-old boy (one week away!) and an almost 10 year-old girl (just another month!) in an apartment. Yes, an apartment. We used to have a large yard to hide them in. Trees, bushes, wispy fountain grass, daisies...all made for the perfect hiding spots.
These days it's an apartment with older kids whom, at first tell you, they're too old for an Easter Egg Hunt. Until they walk in the door from a weekend away from home, spot two baskets on each of their beds. One full of a very modest amount of goodies, but they're thrilled, nonetheless. And another basket that's empty. Because there are about 3-4 dozen eggs hidden around their rooms, living room and patio.
All of the sudden, the kids who were too old to hunt Easter Eggs are knocking each other down to try and find them.
When you're left with a minimal amount of 'things', a certain hunger begins to get rid of the rest of the waste. So much of what we all have is unnecessary. Me included. I've got so much down in my garage/storage that I need to donate. Maybe other people need it. And if not, I surely don't, because it's collecting dust.
Just give me my two Egg-Hunters and let requests like, "Momma...will you read me a book while I take a bubble bath?" continue to be happen on a regular basis and for as long as possible. Even though she cracks the bathroom door now. You know...modesty has hit. :)
Things and friends in our lives come and go. You can't really count on any of it.
But my kids are my foundation.
They...I cherish
They...I can always count on.
They...are all I really need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)