I WANT...

Tomorrow is October 1st and tonight at the dinner table, Shelby started making her Christmas list. It went something like this: "I want... . And I also want... ." Ben sat across from her as we ate dinner and looked at her like, "Are you kidding me?"

He started to tell her...once again...the true meaning of Christmas and how it doesn't start with, "I want..." and I just laughed.

Ben: Why are you laughing? She's being kinda selfish.

Me: Ben...you have to remember that not only is she just nine, everyone is different. Some of the best people in this world made Christmas lists beginning with 'I want' when they were little. It doesn't mean they don't get what Christmas is about. It doesn't mean they are eternally selfish. I'm grateful you and Shelby are different. I'm thankful for the distinct qualities in each of you. It's natural for her to be different. Say different things. Do things you wouldn't. None of us are perfect and there's not a person in this world who can say they've never uttered the words 'I want'. You just have to be conscious not to make them a constant part of your vocabulary. God is smiling at her and knows it comes from an innocent place. He's not that rigid. He, thankfully, gets kids and knows it's not coming from a place of pure selfishness. She's just excited. She does plenty of things for others you know nothing about and would actually be very proud of her for doing.

Ben: True. True. I get it. Still, she could be a little less about her.

Me: ::::sigh::::


Everyone I know...everyone...has an "I Want" list. And if you say you don't, you're lying. L.Y.I.N.G. There's nothing wrong with it. Let's face it, it's all semantics. Goals. Wants. Wishes. Desires. Blah blah blah... .

In the spirit of pure selfishness...errrr...I mean goals, allow me to start:

I want...

• To make more money.
• To make more time for myself.
• To be healthy forever (I mean, as long as I'm wanting and all...why not?).
• For my kids to grow up grateful for both what they do have, as well as what they don't have.
• For my kids to grow up with a continual thirst for knowledge.
• For them to never put up with anyone or anything who/that treats them poorly or doesn't prove to be a benefit to their well-being.
• To get out of this apartment after my next lease is up.
• To get in shape!
• To be less concerned with others.
• To be able to meet a man who is honest, independent, lovable, financially secure (note I didn't say 'wealthy' as there's a huge difference) and who is steady and consistent.
• A new rug in my living room.
• A healthier diet.
• To start kickboxing again (on the short list already) and running. Again.
• To be more tolerant of others, but still not put up with crap.
• To take a vacation.
• To be courted.
• To watch karma happen. Or at least hear of it happening.
• For my left eye to get better vs. what it seems to be doing now.
• Win the lottery. (again...it's a wish list, right?!).
• To lose this insomnia.
• For the IRS to get it together.
• For Ben to lose his fascination for video games.
• For Shelby to gain a new appreciation for reading.
• For me to let you know most of the above really doesn't matter and I am thankful to have and remain fully committed to the two most precious gifts God gave me.
• To never lose sight of that.

MAYBE

Maybe he believes me, maybe not.
Maybe I can marry him, maybe not.

Maybe the wind on the prairie,
The wind on the sea, maybe,
Somebody, somewhere, maybe can tell.

I will lay my head on his shoulder
And when he asks me I will say yes,
Maybe.

~ Carl Sundburg

PURPOSEFUL EFFORT

It’s something I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do…turn off my brain. Whether it’s trying to sleep at night or just having a quiet dinner alone, my thoughts keep turning.

This has proven to be both good and bad.

I’ve been desperately trying to redirect my thoughts when I start focusing on negative things. Like bills that keep coming in (the latest: the $200 I’ll spend today getting my ignition switch rebuilt and reinstalled into the steering column it fell out of this weekend). My kids: Am I being the best mom I can be? Is there something I could be doing different? Better? This one is recurring thought. My friends: Does everyone have “I’m here for you because you’re always here for me friends” as well as “I’m here for you when I need something, but when you do then I’m too busy” types of friends? I already know the answer to that one. My living situation: Is it true the townhomes I was planning on moving into are now switching into a different school zone that won’t enable my children to attend the schools they are attending now?

See? Always turning.

So I redirect my thoughts. And not just redirect them, but hand them over to someone who is always ready and willing to listen. Someone who is always there, even though I don’t necessarily make time for him as I should. He always answers when I call. Is never, ever too busy to let me bounce ideas off him or just get his opinion. He knows sometimes it’s just me and two kids so I need ‘adult’ conversation. I don’t want to bother him with petty things, but the thing is…he never thinks anything is petty. I’m eternally grateful for his presence in my life.

Thank you, God, for showing me the true meaning of friendship, of a relationship, of love, of compromise, of forgiveness, of gratitude, of selflessness, of when it’s time to release people and situations from your life that no longer provide a mutually beneficial presence  and when to tie a knot (or 20) at the end of the rope and keep hanging on. And for countless more things.

When I direct my thoughts to Him and ask what He would do or what type of person/ friend would He be in a particular instance, I find peace. Every. Single. Time.

I’m trying my best to me a blessing in this life. To my kids. My friends. Strangers. And even to myself. And that one seems to be the toughest one of all.

C'MON IPHONE...WRAP IT UP ALREADY

I haven't written in awhile. My time has been divided between my new job, kids starting back to school (which means homework times two every night), a foster boxer whom we are getting ready to 'have' to give up to her new, amazing home and then the day-to-day things that come with life.

Laundry. Shopping. Laundry. Errands. Laundry.

Notice how anything having to do with a personal life is noticably absent from this list?

That's getting ready to change.

A girl's night is tentatively planned for this weekend and I am VERY happy about it. Even though it has the word 'tentative' in it. I have missed the last I-don't-know-how-many due to finances (you don't go out if you don't have a job...at least that's my rule) and conflicting plans. Hoping for the best this weekend, though.

And next week, God-willing, I get to start hitting Ang again. I checked out the boxing club today and as far as I'm concerned...it's a GO. Even close to a Todd-like motivation goin' on. (That's excellent by the way!).

And all I want to do tonight is go to bed. I really wanted to go to bed about two and a half hours ago. So why am I up writing?

To remind myself I have lots of catch-up writing I want to do on all the kids back-to-school stories, a migraine Shelby had that almost sent me to the hospital it scared me so bad (don't judge me over-protective yet...I had my reasons and they were good), sweet Rosie who we've grown to love so much it will be near excrutiating to let her go (even though it's a great thing for her!) and an amazing son who has stepped-up his chores around the house just because he thought it would help his mom. How'd I get so blessed?!

The other reason I'm still up? The new iPhone update that is supposed to be clearing out all the bugs the last update threw in. Elapsed time so far: 3 hours, 24 minutes.

I just wanna go to bed....