GOOD-BYE 2010...

Ahhhhhhhh New Year's Eve 2010.

In just a few hours it will be a new year. A chance at a fresh start. Well...that part isn't really true, now is it? Every day is a chance at a fresh start.

Every day we have the opportunity to make things better. Say, "I love you" or "I'm sorry". Forgive someone. Ask to be forgiven. Make better choices. Be healthier. Anything really.

In reading everyone's comments on Facebook earlier, I saw a lot of "I'm so ready for 2010 to end...". A friend of mine today told me she received eight change of address notices from Christmas cards this year due to divorce alone. It's been a rough year for a lot of people.

And while I'm looking forward to a new year, I can't help wishing I could change the past. From years ago to just yesterday. Take back things I've said. I've done. Do things I didn't.

But I can't.

I've made my share of mistakes. Acted a fool. You name it. No one is perfect and this year has definitely brought out a 'me' I've been embarrassed to be when weak, proud to be when strong, mad to be when I got weak again or needy, and now...I remember it's a roller coaster ride and to not be so hard on myself. My real friends know the REAL me. I'm strong. Nurturing. Loyal. Honest. And sometimes...a little too vulnerable. It's taken me a long time to name my positive attributes. I'm glad I can do it now and know it's not being conceited. It's being proud of certain aspects and knowing I have a ton more to work on.

I CAN make a choice every day to do this though. And while I don't believe in New Year's resolutions (again...because we have the resolve to change every day), I am looking forward to tomorrow being the start of a better year.

People may not understand my choices this past year and frankly they don't have to. I've been told I'm too nice and have alternatively been falsely accused of ridiculous things. I've been fronted out by friends who saw me straying away from being the strong person I've become and lately have been the recipient of anonymous emails from someone "warning" me about someone in my life. I mean really?! If you really want to 'warn' a person...be upfront. Otherwise, it loses its credibility. Plus...I have no idea who they are talking about! Doesn't help much.

From now on, these people who don't have me and my kids best interest at heart are simply not going to be able to be a part of our world. "Life's to damn short for lightweights..." said Guru Don! He also said, "Turn the page, push on the gas pedal and whoever hangs on is worth keeping." Love it.

For the record, my amazing friends and family who have been there for us in 2010...thank you from the very depths of my heart. I love you so much. I'm both eternally grateful for your compassion and sorry for the weak moments in my life. You never left me or let me wander too far. You allowed my down times with grace and understood completely. You celebrated my accomplishments with sincere joy. You are my lifeline and please know I will always be there for you.

I look forward to 2011! Blessings of hope, health and happiness to all. xoxoxo, Terri


Always remember and never forget: Sunrises, Sundays & New Year's are God's reminder "It's not too late for a fresh start. Turn to me. I can make all things new!" CS Lewis.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

FEET NOW FIRMLY PLACED...THANK YOU

Oh baby, was I due tonight's phone conversation.

Only with a great friend can you tell the entire truth to (because only then can you get true advice) and hang up the phone thinking, "Yesss! I got it now!". Straight-shooting, don't judge me (this is the tough requirement to meet) or beat-around-the-bush advice is what I wanted. And thankfully, amen, hallelujah ... exactly what I got.

And to also be able to laugh my butt off at the outrageous comments that come along with it. Well...that's just darn priceless:

You know how I hate mandatory merriment and gift giving in general. And it was forced on me!

Those fancy shoes you put on may look pretty, but they definitely aren't comfortable. Think about it...

Girl! What are you thinking? You KNOW better than what you are saying. This isn't you. Where did you go? Are you even listening to what you are saying right now?

I'm sorry, but the pretty just doesn't counter the manic.

I really am getting a pole next year. For Festivus...not stripping.

We're gonna Oovoo tomorrow night, play cards, whatever...it'll be great!

It was exactly what I needed and all I needed to hear. This friend's advice is always solid. I've been sick for two days making myself even more *miserable* than I normally would be right now. I got stupid. And that's the bottom line. And I got called on it.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

IT'S NOT IF YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN...IT'S IF YOU GET BACK UP

It's a deadly combination, I've discovered.

No sun. Cold weather. Rain. Stomach bug. Too many holidays, too close together. Bad news. Friendly fire.

I was in bed all day today with a stomach bug, that is still haunting me tonight a little. And it's taken a lot of wind out of my sails. Along with everything else listed above, I've felt like...as Ang would say...poop on a stick. :-)

I know better than to get too down. I don't like how it feels. I know I have more good in my life than I'm focusing on right now. And ultimately, I am in charge of what and who gets to me. For the most part. Sometimes we trust when we shouldn't and hey...lesson learned. Other times it's situations that are totally out of our control. Constantly reminding myself to worry only about those things I can control and/or change and to let go of everything else. And that's proven to be a lot.

This weather is one thing I have no control over. Other people...no control. Stomach bug...no control. Holidays...ughhhh. Again. No control.

ME? Yeah. I need to regain control.

Several people have recommended a book to me called Captivating and I'm anxious to read it. I've read Wild at Heart by the same author, mainly about men. Captivating is about women.

Here's a summary of Captivating:

Every little girl has dreams of being swept up into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess. Sadly, when women grow up, they are often swept up into a life filled merely with duty and demands. Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a "good servant," a nurturing caregiver, or a capable home manager.
 What Wild at Heart did for men, Captivating is doing for women. Setting their hearts free. This groundbreaking book shows readers the glorious design of women before the fall, describes how the feminine heart can be restored, and casts a vision for the power, freedom, and beauty of a woman released to be all she was meant to be. By revealing the core desires every woman shares-to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a grand adventure, and to unveil beauty-John and Stasi Eldredge invite women to recover their feminine hearts, created in the image of an intimate and passionate God. Further, they encourage men to discover the secret of a woman's soul and to delight in the beauty and strength women were created to offer.


I'll let you know...

THE DOG PARK CHRONICLES #1 & #2!

I'm telling you, there's never a dull moment at the dog park. If mistletoe isn't falling on my head, other things are.

It all started a couple weeks ago. It was dark outside (good time to note they seriously need to install a light out there) and, of course, Scout had to go out.

So we head to the dog park. I open the gate and just as I'm taking off her leash I see it. A baby cottontail. Trap a bunny and a hunting dog (and I use that term very loosely) in a fenced area and you can imagine. I honestly didn't think she'd catch it. She's 10 years old and all she does is lay around the house all day!

Unfortunately, she did. I will never forget the sound of that poor bunny squealing. I ran over and hit Scout with her leash until she let it go and it found the one place in the fence where it could get out and it was gone. Since then, Scout doesn't enter the dog park without heading to the far corner where she trapped it. You know...just to make sure it hasn't returned to "play" with her.

Tonight, same thing. Dark outside. But this time very cold and raining. I take her to the park (she won't go potty on her leash!) and release her from her leash, hoping it's going to be a quick trip. I'm bundled up trying not to freeze and just having situated myself so the rain won't hit me in the face, which means my back is to the creek that runs directly behind us.

All of the sudden, I hear a "whooooosh" sound above and behind me and feel something land on my head, then OUCH...scratch it. I look up and it's a huge hawk! Unbelievable! And did I mention OWWWWWW!?! Scout looks up like, "Hmmmmmm...did you see that?" as it coasted away. Ummmm...yeah! Felt it, too!

I swear there is a hidden camera out there capturing the goings-ons.

Of course, it's all funny to other people. Some "filtered" their laughter. Another called me a "sorry birdhead". But my friend Leigh was kind enough to actually ask if I was okay and did I wash it. Thank you, Leigh!

Of course, she was texting me, so she could have been laughing hysterically and I didn't know.

She was, wasn't she?

Great. Glad I'm hear to provide the entertainment people.

JOKE'S ON YOU!

Who is it who plays these little tricks on us? Mother Nature? Fate? Some "irony" Greek God?!

Scout often wakes me up **early** to out outside.

She loves the dog park. Luckily it's close. So I position myself under a tree and remember, there are no longer any leaves on the trees. What am I thinking? I look up to double-check and see this:

Mistletoe. Is it "real" mistletoe? I have no idea. I just know we always referred to it as mistletoe growing up. The only green stuff hanging from the tree once all the leaves have vacated the premises.

Upon seeing it I kind of laugh. Standing under mistletoe this whole time and didn't even know it. I look around. No one near. Figures.

Then it happens.

Part of the dang thing falls and hits me on the head. Seriously?! As if to say, "Yep...that's pretty much all the action you're gonna get from mistletoe this year babe!?

Well guess what mean ole' mistletoe!? Fine by me!

HERE'S YOUR SIGN

Text message Christmas Night (as usual...protecting the "innocent"!):

Friend: I'm getting ready to leave here but if we can find a place open, let's meet for a drink.

Me: I don't think anyplace is open being that it's Christmas and brrrrrrrr it's cold outside.

Friend: There are some bars opening at 8pm in Uptown. One even has a great band.

Me: I appreciate it. But I don't think I'd be very good company. Thank you tho.

Friend: I can't imagine you'd ever be bad company.

Yep...that last sentence right there. A sure sign someone has yet to get to know me that well. :-) Sweet comment, but sadly untrue. That night....NOT good company.

I try to keep my down-times to a minimum, and we all have them, but that day and night was a doozy!

Very nice for trying to get me out though, huh?!

ARE YOU ALL IN?

Lifehouse.

One of my favorite groups.

Here's one reason why:




And I'm sure this song means different things to different people. I suppose it's written as a love song, of sorts.

For the record...for me...it's about life, courage, closed windows/open doors and what you make of it all. Either you're all in or you're not. You can't be half on the court or half off. They call that out-of-bounds. If you give 50%, you'll likely get less than that in return. Aim for 2nd place and eventually 3rd, 4th and lower don't seem so bad. Give 100% or more? Aim for nothing less than 1st? You catch my drift...

I know what I want out of life...for the most part. I have no idea how to get it other than to move in the direction that feels right at the time. That may be different tomorrow than it was today. But I move in these directions with my kids as my focal point. If it's not good for them, it just isn't an option. Period.

That means listening to my head more than my heart sometimes. Well. Always. Because if my head says it's okay, chances are my heart will too. My head tends to be a lot better judge of character and circumstance than my heart. But isn't that generally the case for everyone? Unless you're a robot.

If you know me. You already know all this. I don't do anything half-ass. Why would you? And if I see you doing it that way, chances are I'm gonna call you on it. It's just the way I am if I care about you. If I don't care, don't know you well enough or know for a fact my offer will be refused, I'll back away hoping you know what you're doing. I'll try until I'm told not to anymore and then I'll respect that.

So here's to being All In...

All night staring at the ceiling
counting for minutes I've been feeling this way
So far away and so alone

But you know it's alright
I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time
Yeah, you know I'm right here
I'm not losing you this time

And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
I spend a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life

There's no taking back what we've got
Too strong, we've had each other's back for too long
There's no breaking up this time
And you know it's okay, I came to my senses
Letting go of my defenses
There's no way I'm giving up this time

And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
I spend a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life

I want it, I want it, I want it
I want it, I want it, I want it, yeah
I want it, I want it, I want it, yeah

And I'm all in, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in for life
And I'm all in, nothing left to hide
I'm falling harder than a landslide
I spend a week away from you last night
And now I'm calling, calling out your name
Even if I lose the game, I'm all in
I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life
Yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life

"KEEP IN TOUCH, OKAY?!"

December 25, 2010...Christmas Night.

This afternoon, as I fell asleep on my couch watching "The Ugly Truth" (crude movie, I know...but hilarious...I need the character Gerard Butler plays to be in my life, I've decided by the way...)...anyway...when I woke up, "Beaches" was on. Should I have changed the channel? Yes. Did I? You already know the answer to that...

Watched it. Thought of my mom. My kids. Being it was my first Christmas alone EVER in my life. You guessed it...tears. But the friendship these two women in this movie have astounds me. I know it was just a movie. And while I believe movies show romantic relationships to be oh-so easy and effortless (HA!), the way this friendship is depicted is, I believe, what friendship is meant to be.

I love it when the little girls first meet and Hilary says, "Keep in touch, okay C.C.?" and C.C. replies without hesitation, "Of course! We're friends, aren't we?" as if to say, "DUH! That's a given!".

Unconditional. Non-judgemental. 24/7, 365 days a year. In short...a priority.

I was completely blessed today with the texts and phone calls from my friends just checking on me. They knew what I was in store for and were kind enough to think of me. Not press. Just say, "Merry Christmas! I love you!" True friends are hard to come by. I hope in my lifetime, I show Ben and Shelby how important friendships are. What you do for them. What you should expect out of them. And what you shouldn't, to be fair.

I'd probably start with:

• Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• Under-promise and over-deliver. You can't go wrong there.
• Treat your friends the way you want to be treated. You won't be perfect at this, so hopefully you will have forgiving friends.
• Speaking of...be forgiving. You aren't perfect. They aren't either. Rely on your heart to lead you through this part. Your stubborn head may want to talk you out of it for very stupid reasons.
• Which leads to...Know when to say, "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry" and mean it.
• Treat your best friends like family. You'll find they'll do the same. These are your "chosen" family. Your lifetime friends. The one's you plan on living next door to in the retirement home. :-)
• Let the ones go who don't appreciate the friendship. Not with haste, but with understanding for what it is. And what it isn't. No hard feelings. No regrets.
• Be understanding.
• Listen. Not everything requires advice. Sometimes they (and you) just need to vent.
• Don't judge. They will go through things in their life (and you in yours) that you haven't been through. You may think you would handle the situation differently, but try to be empathetic. Until you've walked in their exact shoes (which you never will) you have no idea how you'd really handle it. Just be a shoulder for them to lean on.
• Understand not all friendships were meant to last forever. Just try to never let it end one on a sour note. You won't want to be remembered that way. Nor will you want to look back on it with bad feelings or regret.
• Be there for them in their times of need. No matter what. Sometimes you will find you have to put your issues aside for theirs. But they'll do the same for you when you need them. Admittedly, I've not been great at this. I'm embarrassed to say I've assumed my issues were priority at times when they weren't. As mentioned previously...there's no perfection here. Forgiveness is key.
• You have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
• And finally, remember people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It's obviously difficult to tell at the time which it is. And we come into their lives for the same reasons. Your definition of the friendship may be different than theirs, so remember to call on your patience in determining this. Give and take space, when needed. And when you've done all you can do, there comes a time to let it be...

Christmas 2010: Thank you God for two amazing children, for numerous friends of whom I'm beyond blessed to have in my life and for my health. Alone or not...these things don't change.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED...

Seems The Polar Express is on television now about as much as It's a Wonderful Life used to be. Makes for a good excuse to curl up with the kids on the couch, though, so I'm not complaining. These times pass all too quickly..."Mommy, let's snuggle!". I know too soon it will be replaced with, "I'll be back later...going to a friend's house" or "Snuggle? Mom! I'm 16!". So I'm going to take advantage of it now.

A couple songs in the movie are really beautiful and spell out what our hearts should be feeling this time of year. Here's one we love...

BELIEVE

Children sleeping, snow is softly falling
Dreams are calling like bells in the distance
We were dreamers not so long ago
But one by one we all had to grow up
When it seems the magic's slipped away
We find it all again on Christmas day


Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste
There's so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe


Trains move quickly to their journey's end
Destinations are where we begin again
Ships go sailing far across the sea
Trusting starlight to get where they need to be
When it seems that we have lost our way
We find ourselves again on Christmas day


Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste
There's so much to celebrate
Believe in what you feel inside
And give your dreams the wings to fly
You have everything you need
If you just believe


Just believe

ADD MAINTENANCE TO THE LIST

When I first bought her (yes...her), I didn't even want her. I was having to turn in what had become my true love of a car. My beautiful sage green (and not the bold sage green color they have out now, it was gorgeous) Eddie Bauer Explorer that was loaded: sunroof, television, beautiful soft tan leather, etc...and it ran great. Never had a problem with it. Ever. Alas it was a lease (my last lease, due to the bitterness I felt having to turn it in since the payoff to keep it was astronomical) therefore, it had to go back.

I stood in the lot looking around for something new. Something different. And finally decided, who am I kidding? An Explorer is fine. Can't afford the Range Rover I want, so you know... .

That was back in 2002 and we've been together ever since. Through the years, I guess you could say we've bonded. She's paid for. She's gotten me and two kids around for a long time. She's put up with a LOT of messes (thanks to my kids and their friends). She's hauled furniture and boxes to move me numerous times. She's provided refuge when I had nowhere to go, but desperately needed to get away. She's taken people to the airport. To the doctor. To weddings. To funerals. She gave Duke his last ride in which he reached over and put his paw in my hand on her center console. She's now carried a Christmas tree and it was on this trip I learned just how serious her current "ailment" was.

After being scolded by a friend for driving around (with my kids in tow, no less) for as long as I have in it's condition and then ordered by my Dad to take it to the place he trusts when he comes in town, I finally did. Yes. I listened to someone. (:::insert sarcastic gasp here:::) And it paid off.

Poor girl had plenty of things that needed to be worked on today and I was told, "It's a good thing you brought it it. You almost had to replace the entire back end (and still may have to...waiting to see). That repair would not have been nearly as affordable as servicing it and fixing it is going to be today. You're lucky you've kept it as well maintained as you have. It's actually in really good shape."

Ahhhhh yes. Maintenance. Tends to help things, now doesn't it? Whether it's cars, homes, or even our health and relationships. Seems unnecessary at the time. "Why check? Everything's fine!" While underneath the surface and in between the crevices, where the eyes can't reach...problems grow. They cultivate and spread into other "healthy" areas. Like a cancer of sorts.

So why aren't we better about maintaining things? One guess: Because if we find something to be wrong, that means we're going to have to address it. And some people consider that to be the absolute last thing on their  "things I really don't want to consider doing" list. Maybe it doesn't sound 'fun' or 'worthwhile', but we all know what effort produces. (pssssst....results!)

So last week, me and the kiddos started working out. There's a small, but great, little gym at our apartment complex and we enjoy going a couple times a week. We've declared maintenance on our bodies health in 2011! I must say, it's going to be very difficult to get through the holidays without the Christmas cookies, pumpkin bread from Girlie and everything else we traditionally bake and eat...but we're going to do our best (well, at least I am...they burn calories like crazy! Me? Not so much...).

Here's to a better maintenance schedule in every aspect of our lives for the new year. And that's not controlling...that's EFFORT in the right direction. So there...

THIS CHRISTMAS WILL BE...

It's not unlike a child to be excited about Christmas presents. Even a child who knows the meaning of Christmas. And while our Christmas is different this year...there's definitely something D and I agree on...the meaning of Christmas and reminding our children... who shake every present under the tree every single day, many times a day just **what** that meaning is.

And I know they know. For crying out loud, they are 10 and 7 years old. I remember that (seriously...I do!). I actually remember one year (oh my goodness...here comes the time I actually have to admit something to my Dad he doesn't know...sorry dad!!!!) I actually opened the ends of all my presents to peak and see what I got. Without a doubt...most disappointing Christmas ever. It was then I discovered I LOVE surprises (Editor's Note: ONLY the good kind!).

Unfortunately, life doesn't always abide by that rule.


For the past two weeks, I've been lamenting on this season. Traditionally my VERY, VERY favorite time of year. Got that from my mom. So this year I feel like I have the double-whammy of always missing my mom this time of year because the woman used to DO-IT-UP baby! But also because this is a new way for us to do Christmas. I just kept thinking "I'm going to be alone". And even though I've had a friend promise me, "No you won't!", I know what it's going to be like.

Regardless, all my petty and selfish thoughts went out the window when I got the following email just a few hours ago about a friend from college. His name is Joe:

Joe was at MD Anderson for over 6 hours today. It is Advanced Stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. It is in his kidney, lung, lymph nodes and bones. They have him scheduled for a brain scan tomorrow. Everything goes as planned, he will start chemo on Wednesday. No prognosis. It completely depends on how his body responds to treatment. Pray that it does!! Please keep Joe, Collyne and their two boys in your prayers. Apparently all they need right now is prayer. Hug your family.



D, Chris & Joe



It's like I've always said...FAMILY is the only thing you can't replace. A friend recently told me, "I don't risk anything I can't put a monetary value on." At first I thought, "What?!" Then, or course, I totally got it. Duh.

Irreplaceable. Thanks Don.

Simply put, there are irreplaceables out there.

No matter how incredibly selfish I get with my feelings. No matter how I may accidentally treat someone. No matter how someone may accidentally treat me. No matter how 'alone' I may feel and be this holiday season, there's someone out there saying, "Really?! I'll trade with you, Nancy."

From the bottom of my heart...so incredibly embarrassing to whine, say "I'm bored", get snippy, be impatient, be short, take advantage, complain, go up and down (and up and down again) that roller coaster that is my life, make it about me, overlook there are other people who have other things going on...whatever. Thank you for being my friend.

Pray For Joe.

Hug Your Family.

CAN'T. SIT. STILL.

Literally can NOT sit still when I hear this song. LOVE IT. Takes me back to the days of "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"!

Get ready...

ME AND SQUARE-ONE ARE GETTING TO BE BESTIES

I'm curious about something: At what point do we learn from our mistakes and STOP repeating them?

I'm a smart person. I've had many experiences in my lifetime. Given these two items alone...I should be able to say to myself, "Hey...that didn't turn out so well before, it probably won't again...back up and take another path."

So why do I do it? Was the pain from the first mistakes not enough? I'm fairly sure that isn't the reason. Do I not recall what a poor choice it was last time? No...I remember vividly it wasn't good. So what finally makes us say, "NO...not going there!" and mean it? Stick to it. No matter what.

A friend told me today it's because in a way, I have the 'heart of a child'. WHAT? "Listen to me, Terri before you get all uppity..." (me??). "What I mean is you believe the best in people. You forgive easily. Sometimes too easily, if you ask me. And this sometimes causes you to hurt easily. Should you toughen up? Yes. But who couldn't use to toughen up a bit, especially us women. Just understand you won't do it overnight and don't even try to. Just realize it's a work in progress and you're true friends won't go anywhere. Because we all...and I mean ALL...have things we need to work on."

I don't want to be so thin-skinned. Honestly. I don't want to carry my baggage around for the world to see and take it out on people who had nothing to do with packing it in the first place. I know I've done that and while I can apologize all day about it, I'm tired of doing so. As in tired of being so defensive I throw up my wall and go into attack mode. "Oh no...I won't be talked to/treated like that again...that leads to me feeling horrible..." when nothing of the sort was even happening in the first place. I just get defensive. And I realize my insecurities are just that...MINE. I own them. No one else. The whole, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent..." quote comes to mind here.

"Terri, lighten up..." is a comment that keeps getting said to me. And I hear it. And I want to. I'm just trying to figure out HOW. Patience is something I have very little of, yet I'm asking for it from others. And trying to apply it in my own life. One day at a time...again.

So again, I tell myself I've got things to work on. Again I am reminded I'm far, far from perfect and know while I never will be perfect...I'd like to be better than the woman I am today. I'm not actually trying to chase away good people in my life. Unfortunately, there are consequences to my attitude right now. I've always been stubborn (I know, I know) and now...it's magnified.

What can I say...I'm a work in progress.

Always remember and never forget: Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. As questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.

WHAT'S IN A WORD?

I can't believe 2010 is only two weeks away from coming to a close. Nothing I thought would happen did. Major eye-opener for the planner in me. The "if-I-work-hard-enough-I'll-succeed" in me. The "love conquers all" in me. The "how did this happen" in me.

Today, I'm sitting out on the veranda of a three bedroom apartment, lined with red, green and white little Christmas lights, over-stuffed patio furniture and one dog ... and if you told me this time last year that this is where I would be today, it may very well have taken the best part of me.

Instead, I find myself okay.

I remember last Christmas and New Year's Eve like it was yesterday. I was walking around with a pit in my stomach 24/7. I distinctly remember thinking "this is the last time it will be this way". Looking around the room at midnight on December 31st, I recall seeing everything in slow motion and thinking, "...last time...". Ang even remembers watching me stand still and take it all in. She came over and asked if I was okay. I said yes. And she knew instantly what her friend was doing.

The kids stayed at a friends house yesterday after school so I could attend a campus board meeting (at school!) and as soon as I picked them up, Shelby exclaimed, "See mommy?! Presents are under their tree! Presents! When are you going to put our presents under our tree?". Little does Shelby know, but I have purchased one gift so far this year. Or at least, that was this morning's total. After lunch, I've now purchased a few more. I'm just unable to provide the amount of presents we have in the past. And I know everyone has been affected by the economy. Times are tight. But life under our roof is especially tight this year. And they will be fine. And life will continue. And most importantly, they know they are loved.

I noticed something the other day in the way we talk. The words we use. The kids and I have almost unknowingly changed definitions to fit our new circumstances.

Small > Cozy
Patio > Veranda
No yard > Efficient
Apartment > Small Mansion ('cuz, well, we have maintenance men at our beckon call!)
Friends > Family
and now for the holidays...
Alone > Intimate

Yes, it's been a year of change. But I'm not broken. And I won't break. And I won't feel bad about that anymore. As I've done for a very long time, I step back and put my kids in my position. What would I want them to do? How would I want them to act? And the answers always seem to pop-up crystal clear.

Don't hurt anyone else. Don't take what's not yours. Try and be full of grace, forgiveness and love. Work hard. Then...make your heart smile. And enjoy it.

SING IT BUDDHA

To awaken, sit calmly, letting each breath clear your mind & open your heart.

~Buddha

YES, WE CAN ACTUALLY CONTROL OUR MINDS

I found this today. I can't take credit for writing it, but it's good enough to share. And it's something I need to remind myself to do every morning.

Have a Child's Mindset
When you think about children of the toddler age, or are blessed to experience them yourself, you come to a realization that they are always on the move, never wanting to stop. They go through each day with more enthusiasm than a grown up can ever imagine and never tire. They coast through their early years often with no real trouble and usually with a smile on their faces.

Children seem to have something about them that we as grownups lost somewhere along the line. They have the ability to forgive quickly, not really worry about things and get frustrated over things, and just enjoy the simple things in life, while never taking them for granted. They never hold grudges and never hold resentments against someone, and if for some strange reason they do, they are playing and interacting with them the next day on the playground.

I had experiences with my two daughters when I walked in their room and they were in their cribs. They would jump up and down, screaming with happiness and great big smiles on their faces. I often wondered what they were smiling and happy about? Was it their birthday? Was it Christmas? Were we leaving on vacation to Disney??

The answer to those questions is No... It was not their birthday, nor was it Christmas and we were not going to Disney... They were just excited about the dawning of a new day. They are happy to embrace a new day and cannot wait to start it! That is where I started to think... I thought to myself...

Why can't adults behave like this?

When did we lose this zest for life?

Can we get it back and keep it?

Too many times as adults, we forget how to live our lives happily and the days seem to slip on by. Sometimes people tend to mope around, sadly to say, over a variety of things that are out of their control like the weather, or something that happened to them in the past, or even something as silly as someone talking about them at the water cooler. Sometimes, people live not just one day like this, but many. They do not know that they cannot get that day or days back... Ever! They repeatedly sob and sulk and in the interim, try to bring others to their level.

We are not on this earth to be miserable. We are on it for reasons: To take each day and make the best out of it. To face new challenges and grow from them. To spill over our joy and happiness in the event that someone else will be infected by it.

We and our emotions are contagious to the people that surround us, be it strangers or loved ones. Like the children that are on this planet, we need to seize the day. We are not on this earth for infinity, but only for a short time.

Today, go back to when you were a child and live without the troublesome melancholy that can seem to swallow you up at times. When you wake in the morning, don't be grumpy and sad because it is too early. Spring out of that bed and hit the floor running like the children do. Make your whole day a game of sorts, and when tomorrow comes, play it again but this time, do it better.

Life comes at you very fast and when it does, you have to be ready. Before you know it, your children will have children and your time on this earth will be coming to an end.

I do not know about you, but I always want to have the mental freedom of a child and will play this game of life daily. I will reflect back on my losses and not fret about them, but seek the knowledge I need so it never happens again.

What can I say? I do not want to grow up.

--- Copyright © 2010 Rich Barnes

"YES IT IS!"

Absolutely one of my favorite commercials right now! Totally makes me laugh!

BEDFORD FALLS CAME CALLING

Tonight one of my very favorite movies came on. "It's a Wonderful Life". It used to come on all the time during the holidays. You'd be hard-pressed to surf the television and not find it on numerous channels. I can't remember why that changed (someone different bought the rights to it maybe?), but it only comes on once a year now, I think.

The kids came in-and-out of the room as I was watching. In total amazement I was watching a show that wasn't in color. Both asked what it was about. Both commented on the things in their life they were thankful to have that couldn't be replaced. Neither mentioned anything of material value.

Of course, I had accurately described what the movie was about. :-)

It doesn't escape me that more often than not, when I'm having a little pity-party, I get a reminder from above that I just don't have it so bad. I don't have it nearly as bad as I have myself believing I do from time-to-time. Every once in awhile, I let a situation or person get me down. I give that power over. It's easy to do. I own what's not mine to own.

This movie is a great reminder that life is what you make it. What you choose to see. What you choose to make important. What you refuse to give up on. The things in our lives that make it wonderful.

HELLO

I have always been the type of person who talks things out. I'm very upfront...maybe too much so since a lot of people are uncomfortable communicating. I've never minded talking. Sometimes this gets me in trouble. But most of the time, it lets people know exactly where I stand. If you know me...you will always know where you stand with me. Always.

I don't bury my head in the sand to things going on around me. I'm considerate of others, to a fault some say. I would never intentionally hurt someone (unless they hurt one of my kids, then it's game on!). Instead, if I have a problem with you I'll either talk with you about it or I'll keep it to myself until I've figured out the most positive way to resolve it.

I don't contact people anonymously/secretively. Again...I'm upfront and expect the same.

I've noticed I have some new readership on my blog. (Yes...it has a tracker and I can see where you are...as in the city and state, not your name!). If you have something worth telling me...spill it. But do so with your heart, please. Chances are you don't know me or much of what I have going on in my life. I appreciate honesty. I'm a very truthful person and expect the same in this regard too.

Always remember and never forget: If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.  ~Dalai Lama

JUST ONE OF THOSE SONGS

The minute I heard this two years ago, I loved it. I still do. Makes me cry **every** single time.

REASON, SEASON, LIFETIME

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.....

~Author unknown

DON'T QUIT 'TIL YOU GOT NOTHING LEFT

Not really sure what got into me today, but I did something different. Something unlike me.

I walked out the gate, got on the jogging trail...and took off running.

I have no idea how far I ran. I stopped several times (hello?! I'm not a runner!), but kept going. It was one of the coldest days we've had this season, but for some reason I needed it. And it felt unbelievably great. My legs fairly quickly chimed in with, "What the...?! No one consulted us about this!". My lungs were burning from the cold air. My feet were thoroughly pissed. My head felt great.

I thought about so much. Tried to clear up my reasoning on so many things. Decisions. Choices. People. And it helped.

Only once did I get distracted when a very grungy-looking man actually stepped out from out of the trees and stood in the trail in front of where I was running. Not sure of what to do and knowing just enough self-defense to probably get myself hurt, I looked him square in the eye, said, "Hey...how's it going." and kept running.

I came to some decisions. Most of which I already knew the answers to, but hadn't quite decided how to make them happen. Now I know. Once I put my mind to something, I'm pretty good (some may say stubborn) about sticking to my decisions.

I've gotten really good at putting the brakes on. I try to never get in the way of anyone else's happiness while trying to fulfill my own. Too many friends in my life have done so much for me and my kids over the recent months and I just want to pay it forward. I'm not one to interfere. I am one to help when asked though.

So today I figured out how to move forward with the decisions I've made. It doesn't mean it will be easy. But I know what I'm doing is right for not just me, but everyone considered. The decisions we make that prove the toughest to follow through on produce rewards we can be the most proud of.

I told a friend the other night that when we put our hearts out there, part of the risk is it gets broken. Plain and simple, it's just part of it. However, that isn't always the case. Sometimes...just sometimes...love gets returned. Even where you thought it would never happen. And I'm not just talking about with people. We put our hearts into far more than relationships and the risk is the same. Heartbreak or fulfillment. You never know.

There's a scene from a movie (Facing the Giants) that always comes to mind when I feel somewhat defeated. Like I can't dig deep enough to find more strength to make the decisions I know I need to make. Is the acting great? No. Is the message on-point. NO DOUBT. Go rent it NOW if you haven't seen it. You will be glad you did.

These are the times we negotiate with our bodies (and minds) for more strength than we ever thought we had.

Enjoy:

THE ORIGINAL "JUST DO IT"

It's days like today that used to make me cave. Make me think "why do I even try?". But after so many of those days (so, so many of those days), you finally realize you have two choices: Give in to the people and things who/that you are allowing to affect you or, pick yourself up and move forward and take a chance at happiness (and heartbreak maybe since they tend to come hand-in-hand sometimes).

Obviously, picking myself up and moving forward has been my choice the past several months. And thank goodness. It was only then I started seeing all the positive in my life. It was only then I started allowing new experiences. It was only then I started laughing again. I'm talking really laughing.

One of the things I did was start writing more. Another was I started reading more. Reading things I knew would inspire me.

So...now on days like today, I search them out. And I absolutely enjoy finding new writings. But even more, I love coming across ones I've read before and forgotten about.

Enjoy.

You Can Do Anything
You Believe You Can

Just start somewhere. Resolve to do something.
You might even write out what you want to
accomplish. Then explore what you need to do to
reach you goal, and start doing it, step by step.
It's the same as if you were planning a trip: you
get a map, make your preparations, and then start
traveling the right road.

 

Don't get "bound up" in any problems that stand
in your way. Do something every day to resolve
them. Trust your instincts. Do one thing at a time.

Remember... if you sow seeds of fear, doubt, panic,
and procrastination, it will most likely work against
you. If you keep doing the same things you're
doing now, you will keep ending up in similar
places to where you are now.

Once you start making progress towards your goal,
you will be magically propelled towards eventual
reward. Just keep listening and taking direction
from inside you. Be patient; your dreams will not
come true overnight. But start now, and go with
love and courage and confidence. Don't be afraid.
You can do anything you believe you can. And
don't forget to keep an open mind and heart to
check yourself along the way.

 

You can do it! Go for it, and good luck.

 

~ Donna Fargo ~

Always remember and never forget: Change is scary, but giving up is unimaginable. Don't be afraid of getting hurt. Be afraid of being numb.

I NEED A MAP, A PENCIL AND SOME DYNAMITE

If you know me, you know my need for order. For planning. For knowing what comes next. It's all about expectations and preparation. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Coping mechanism due to chaos? Maybe. Regardless, it's who I've always been and exactly who I wish no longer to be.

I'm not saying I want to be careless or reckless. In fact, I think I need to learn to control one main area of my life and everything else will fall into place.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately.

Whatever I'm feeling, you know it. Angry? Easy to tell. Happy? Again...no problem. It's a good thing I have no desire to be a professional poker player.

I recently said, "It's so difficult to know which bridges to burn and which to cross". Some definitely need to be destroyed. And I'm talking line those things with dynamite and let it rip. Others need to be adventured upon, even when you can't see where the end of the bridge lands. What I need to remember is life is a series of bridges. I won't get only one to have the opportunity to venture upon. After that one, another is just around the bend. And I may very well decide once on that particular bridge that it needs to be burned to the ground too (after I get off!). But I'll never know until I cross it.

My heart comes into play on this regarding my emotions. And getting in control of them. Yes...I can actually be in control of these suckers, or so I'm told. Though I haven't mastered it yet. Sometimes I share too much. Other times I keep it bottled up. There's a happy medium in there somewhere and I'm going to find it.

I'm at a very experimental stage in my life and a friend told me the other day, "Terri...you have all the time in the world to figure out what you are going to do. Don't jump into anything. You don't have to right now. Be smart and don't be vulnerable. Lots of people take advantage." And she's right. So right. She's been where I am now. Almost verbatim.

So my biggest challenge is...well...me. I know I can do it. It's the figuring it out part that I'll have to count as part of the adventure. I'm sure (very sure) I'll get lost along the way. But I'm also sure my journey will be full of rich experiences and my destination will be well-worth the journey.

And while I can receive the best advice in the world from others, they don't fully know my choices since they aren't standing in my shoes. This is all up to me. And I fully accept it and am excited to see what I can do with it. Maybe my kids will learn something about choices, being more spontaneous and just plain life along the way by watching me. I know. Scary. :-)

Wish me luck.


Always remember and never forget: "Map out your future, but do it in pencil. The road ahead is as long as you make it. Make it worth the trip." Bon Jovi (that's right!).

TESTIFY!

Today's comments by Shelby are one of the reasons I have this blog. So I don't forget the little things they say in the middle of the day that maybe aren't 'monumental' conversations, but hilarious nonetheless.
Mornings are really slow for Shelby (yes...she's like her mom in this regard). Eyes half open. Hair a mess. Talks at half-speed. This morning, she slumbered in my bathroom and noticed my hair looked different. Nothing drastic, but it's like her to notice. (My bangs I've been growing out were beyond irritating me so what's a girl to do? Yep...trim 'em right there on the spot.). So she comes in, groggily starts to ask something about her field trip then says, "Hey...you grew your bangs out last night. Good. I like 'em that way.". You know...'cuz when I need more hair, I just pull on it overnight and BAM...new bangs.

Then on the way to school, I tell her to have a great time on her field trip and it turns into:

Shelby: You know we leave the school, right?

Me: Yes. That's why it's called a field trip.

Shelby: Well I knew that, but I wasn't sure you did.

Me: Yep. I knew that.

Shelby: I just wasn't sure because you said to 'have fun' and I just thought 'well of course I'm gonna have fun...I get to leave school. Maybe mom doesn't get it.'


Then tonight:

Shelby: Mom...have you ever been in love?

Me: Of course! Why?

Shelby: I was just wondering. Did you fake it?

Me: What?! No! You don't fake love.

Shelby: Good. 'Cuz romance...well...it's amazing.

Me: Yeeeeeeahhhhh.....I'd agree with that. Who are you being romantic with?

Shelby: MOM! That's personal!


I gotta say...I don't know where she got that but I'm sure glad she believes in it.

LET IT GO

Just another reason to love the Zac Brown Band.

You keep your heart above your head and your eyes wide open.
So this world can't find a way to leave you cold.
And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean.
Save your strength for things that you can change.
Forgive the ones you can't,
You gotta let 'em go.

A LESSON IN FISHING

Once upon a time, there was a little boy.

One day, he decided to go fishing. His dad agreed to take him and show him how to land a big one. He was a little scared, but mostly excited... and off they went.

He learned how to bait a hook. He learned how to cast. And he learned how to be patient. He sat and watched the familiar red-and-white bobber as it beckoned to the fish below.

Finally, it plunged under the water and his heart began to pound. He rapidly wound the reel. Fingers slipping in the excitement. But he did it. He landed the fish.

It was a small sand bass about the size of his hand and he loved it. He exhumed with pride. His hard work proved successful.

"Great job. Now throw it back. There are better and bigger fish down there. That one still has some growing to do. You can do better than that," his dad advised.

Reluctantly, he tossed back the fish. He was unsure about why he spent all that time and energy catching it, only to throw it back. But respectfully obeyed.

Again, he went through the motions of catching another fish.

Again he reeled in another one. Again he was told he could do better and to toss it back.

At the end of the day, the bucket was full of what he thought was similarly sized fish as the very first one he caught and the insightful boy questioned his dad.

"Dad. I don't get it. These all look pretty close to the first one I caught. Why did I have to throw it back?" he asked.

"Well, I was really hoping you'd do better and didn't want you to be disappointed," explained his dad.

The boy thought for a minute then he said, "Why would I have been disappointed? I did everything you told me to do to land it. I listened. I was patient. I think the first fish was fine. In fact, I think it was the one I was most proud of catching."

See? I get it...

But do you?

YOU'RE KIDDING ME

Three days and a running total of about 10 hours sleep. Including only two last night.

After picking the kiddos up from school, they went to their respective rooms to decompress after a hard day's work (ha!) and I reclined on the couch, terrace door open, breeze blowing and decided, "Yep...it's nap time."

Then Scout decided she simply *had* to go to the dog park. I get back up. Put my shoes back on. Take her over there *again* and walk over to the bench under the large oak tree to sit and watch her frolic. I finally just resign to the fact this dog has taken away my plans to nap and I'll just relax in the sunlight breaking through the branches holding the remaining leaves of the season.

Then it happens.

OUCH!!!!! What the....???!!!

A wasp. That's right. I sat on a wasp.

That was about two hours ago and people...it STILL hurts. Now someone actually called me a "whiner" about this to which I answer, "Then you sit on a da*n wasp and see how it feels, Nancy!".

'Cuz wowzers...the back of my left leg is none too happy.

No nap. No relaxing. Getting really nervous I'm so incredibly tired I actually won't be able to fall asleep tonight. You do that, don't you? Get so tired you can't sleep. Then start watching the clock. Anticipating insomnia taking over. Anxiety sets in.

Is it me or do I perpetuate this behavior?

Nevermind. Don't answer that.

Melatonin...you are in my near future. xoxoxo

WHERE AM I GONNA PUT ALL THIS STUFF...

What should I be doing right now? Working. BUT...I've been doing that for the bigger part of the day and will continue to as the day and night goes on, so I feel sure my boss would say, "Sure T...take a few minutes..." :-).

Working from home definitely has its advantages. I get to sit on my comfy bed to enter property reports, do a little laundry, meet the UPS guy who just delivered something (honestly...I've gotta say...I was waiting for the camera to round the corner because he was simply way too good-looking to be a UPS delivery guy. I actually think I said, "Oh!" when I opened the door. Niiiiiiiiice T.)...I'm sorry...what was I talking about?

Oh yes...working from home. And it's even better now because it's starting to look a lot like Christmas around here. Just as soon as I got MOST of the boxes unpacked from the move (I'm not counting the ones in the kids rooms. I need shelves up on the walls to place things before that unpacking happens!) out comes all the Christmas stuff.

And come out it did...with the help of my 7 year-old elf. She literally unpacked and placed (yes...I will be going behind her and REplacing some items!) about five boxes of Christmas decorations last night. Can you say 'excited'?

This weekend...the tree. I have absolutely NO idea whatsoever where I'm gonna put it...stay tuned.

Back to work...

MY FRIEND

Do you have something to say?

SAY IT.

Do you want something out of life?

GO FOR IT.

Are you scared?

JOIN THE CLUB.

Memberships now being accepted.

"That's what I thought...".

SURRENDER

Has anyone ever called you a particular term and you think, "Yeah right. I must have just done/said something...just this once...to make them think that." Only to discover (finally) the term is so extremely, outrageously, embarrassingly true.

People...nice to meet you...I'm a control freak.

And I actually looked this term up (of course I did...hello? Control freak!) because I guess I always thought it meant you both liked being in control and wanted to be in control of every aspect. Not the case.

Therefore, it really fits me.

I actually do NOT want to be this way. There are many, many things I do NOT want to be in control of. Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You can be in charge of everything I don't care about or screw up on" and I immediately started laughing like "What an incredibly pompous thing to say". Then, after thinking about it, my opinion shifted to "Actually, sounds kinda good to me...".

And I would love to be more spontaneous. I'm so scared I'm holding my kids back from adventures they should be taking but aren't due to my being afraid of what may happen. Of course, there's a line. But I want them to explore. To have fun.

"Why do you over think things so much?". Ummmmmmmm...I just want to make sure I'm exploring all angles so I know I've eliminated all aspects of negativity/danger. ::::blank stare:::: Then it was like I stepped out of my body, heard what I said and went, "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??? Are you serious?!!".

So when do you decide it's okay to let go? When is it appropriate to just go, "Whatever...here I go."?

I think it can be held in direct proportion to the probability of someone getting hurt. If it's only you, and you're okay with the possibility of getting hurt, then it's only your fear holding you back.

And that's where I get lost. Fear of WHAT exactly? There are very few things I'm interested in doing that actually have the potential of causing death! So really...what's my hold-up? ME. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. And why? I do not want to look back on my life and wish I'd taken a chance at something.

Part of the 'fear' comes from feeling like I live my life in a fish bowl. Too many people watching. Questioning. Judging. At some point I'm going to press my face up against the glass and yell, "Move onto the next bowl and leave me alone already!"

I have the perfect opportunity to experiment with letting go at this point in my life. Obviously, my kids are my primary concern, but they have absolutely nothing to do with most of my fears of spontaneity. I would never do anything that would endanger them...obviously.

Maybe I'll gain a crazy amount of self-confidence soon and be the kind of person I really want to be. No regrets. Not caring what anyone is saying or thinking.

Maybe.....

BEING THANKFUL

Once again, enjoying the terrace this afternoon (as tomorrow I will NOT be able to since the weather is going to get yucky!). I ran so many errands today in such a short amount of time. Sometimes I even amaze myself. :-)

As I was driving around town, watching all the Christmas tree tents pop up left-and-right...I got excited. We get a real Christmas tree this year! I was told there's a new fangled contraption that helps you fill the water and check it...so I've got that to look forward to also. Not to mention lugging this thing up a set of stairs. FURTHER not to mention where in the flinging-flanging I'm going to put it. It will work out. Seems it always does.

I would have looked at you like you had two heads if you told me where I'd be this year in my life and that I would be fine. I would have said, "No...I'll be devastated and lost.". And obviously, in some ways I am. But I'm learning that's okay. God never leaves us. In fact, I was just reminded that it's in the toughest times of our lives when He's closer to us than ever.

He puts events, things, people and challenges in our lives that help us draw a new road map for our lives and help us along with the journey. I keep saying I've been surprised and amazed, and I really can't emphasize that enough. I never would have chosen this path. But honestly...I knew better than to ever think I wouldn't be okay. I'm a survivor. More than that...I'm learning to be an adventurer in my own life. And you think that would be scary (okay so it is...it's terrifying!). But slowly starting to trust in yourself and others starts creeping back in, whether you try for it to or not. It's just part of life. And I'm so eternally thankful for that.

The memory of past events slowly lose their sting. New memories help as a salve, to a degree.

So on this Thanksgiving Eve, I'm thankful for being open to "new". For not becoming bitter. For wanting to be better. For forgiveness and the power of a heart full of love versus hate. For being able to pay it forward. And for a great friend who is constantly reminding me to "let go and quit trying to be in charge of everything".

Easier said than done, but I really am trying now. And for the first time in a long time, I can see some headway.


Be Thankful
By Author Unknown

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

It's obvious, really.

Balance that is.

It takes two forces to create it.

Whether on a see-saw or in life. It takes balance. It takes two opposing influences. Up-down. Left-right. Positive-negative. Good-bad. Joy-pain.

It's such a basic concept we learn at a very young age, yet we have such a difficult time applying to life. Things can't always be "good" (or "bad" for that matter).

You can't have one without the other or there would never be movement. We would never progress. Or digress, as the case may be.

Yet change usually scares us. Especially when it's unexpected. Our minds don't compute the change back to it's most simple adaptation...this is part of life.

And I'm just now finding myself constantly surprised with life and just how perfectly God works. At first, it seemed like all the change I was seeing was of the negative nature. When will the good come? It has to. Life is a balance.

It's easy to get trapped in all the negative things going on, until one day you decide...No more. I'm going to look for the good. In fact, I'm going to let the good happen. Even if I have to step out of my comfort zone.

I'm thinking out of fear, my zone turned into a wall at some point and was keeping all the good from getting near me...

So...It took awhile, but consider me surprised. (Floored is more like it).

FALLING JUST AIN'T SO BAD

You know I must be busy when a couple people actually comment, "Are you going to start writing again?". Or I'm speechless when asked, "So...what are you gonna write about this?". Hmmmmm....probably not! I tend to try and not embarrass myself! Though...it happens.

I've been trying to squeeze the belongings of Shamu into a sardine can people. Challenging to say the least. When I haven't been doing that, I've been blessed to have amazing friends to keep me company and say, "Quit cleaning and unpacking for just a couple hours and come out.". Do you know me at all? Incomplete things drive me crazy. But since I've been pretty much dared to be spontaneous and make a change...I've done it.

And guess what? It's been just fine. Good in fact. Surprisingly.

And tonight, for the first time, I'm able to do what I always envisioned doing once in my apartment. I'm sitting out on the terrace writing. It's a beautiful night. I read a book to Shelby (Ben listened some, but hey...it was Pinkalicious so you can't really blame him for losing interest and watching the birds fly by and leaves fall). And now, I'm relaxing. Feet up. Dog at my feet. Growling and crying at other canines walking in her dog park.

As I sit here, I'm still trying to figure out where in the world my Bender Ball is. It's driving me crazy. I vowed to (again) lose more weight and tone what I'd already lost and now...no Bender Ball. Obviously, a trip to Target is in order.

So in the middle of all this chaos that is my life, I'm taking a few minutes to enjoy what I have. In the middle of some crazy last week, I sarcastically commented to a friend, "Aren't I a lucky girl?!!" to which the reply was, "Yes, actually...you are.". (i.e. get over it). Always nice being kept in-check. :-)

Seems that's a common theme for me these days. My friends. Old and new. All incredibly supportive and letting me know they are here.

And even though I missed the concert, I still love Sugarland. I was recently introduced to this song and it has quickly become a favorite. In one word: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........... . Sink into this one.

Of course, YouTube embedding isn't working correctly, so here's the link and lyrics. It's a MUST-LISTEN.

Fall Into Me by Sugarland.

When the weight of the world
Breaks down so strong it
Leaves footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first

When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see right through your soul
And you cant find a nickel to buy a smile 'cuz all your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and
Hide before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Fall into me
My arms are opened wide
And you don't have to say a word
'Cuz I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

I wanna be the bottle you've been drinkin' with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been runnin' all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Fall into me
My arms are opened wide
And you don't have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away
To find some demons waiting for you
In your dreams
Before your arms stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers till you fall

Fall into me
My arms are stretched opened wide
You don't have to say a word
'Cuz I already see
That its hard
And your scared
And your tired
And it hurts
And i wanna be the one you reach for first

I'M MS. HEAT MISER...I'M MS. SUN!

As I sit here with my hair piled up on top of my head, completely saturated in a product called "Color Fix" that smells nothing short of skunk...I have to laugh.

My sweet friend, knowing I don't have the cash flow to go get the salon highlighting I really needed, offered to highlight my hair. I offered the warning several times that my hair has a red base to it (hey...my mom was Irish!) and the over-the-counter things never work on me, but she assured me this would.

Long story short...Hi...I'm Terri ...aka. Ms. Heat Miser.

Kelley is devastated at my new shade. And while I was shocked at my hair, to say the least, I was never mad at her. Hardly! She was trying to help me and was being a great friend in doing so. So Kel....get over it!

As if I didn't already know, this past week and a half has shown me just how many amazing friends I have. They are all a phone call away. No exceptions. Several have said, "Hey you never know, I can't imagine it, but I could be in your shoes one day." And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, you can bet I will be there if and when needed.

They helped me move. They offered help with the kids. Offered to grocery shop for me. I even now have the most beautiful Christmas wreath I've ever owned. Call just to check in or text a little, "I'm thinking of you! Let me know if you need anything!". They know my schedule is hectic right now and offer help...and excuse it when I seem to forget my own schedule since scatterbrained doesn't nearly seem to suffice my lack of calendar-skills these days. I'm embarrassed and they just laugh it off saying, "Whatever!". I've got a learning curve to deal with, that's for sure.

I'm deeply blessed to have these women in my life and be able to call them my "friends". Some have become more than that. They're more like family.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for loving me and being in my life. I will always, always be here for you. I'm just a phone call away.

You'll know me by the flaming red hair heading your general direction! Hahahaha! (Hopefully, not for much longer...)

JUST GIMME A MINUTE...

So much to say. So much to write. SO LITTLE TIME TO DO IT! I had an particularly amazing day last week and had every intention of sitting down and writing about it that very night while the excitement was still fresh and ... didn't get to it. I'm sure it probably involved me taking a hot bath and getting horizontal on the bed, but that's neither here nor there... .

The past week has been a blur for the most part. While it's had some pretty darn outstanding moments, it's all run together since we've been go-go-go. Trying to get everything out of one residence and in a new one. The best news of it all is the kids love it and feel very at home. Safe. Comfortable. So that makes me smile at night.

I'm promising myself I'm going to write about that day. Although it will mean much more to me than anyone else, it's important for me to put down. I want two amazing kids to look back on it one day and know there is always a rainbow after a storm. (Even if you have to paint one on a piece of paper!).

I KNOW HOW YA FEEL, GINGER

Sometimes it's just one of those days.

PASS THE PACKING PEANUTS, PLEASE

Is it Friday yet? 'Cuz Monday kicked my...well, you know.

I had a great birthday-week (yes...I get the whole week). Awesome friends, family...it was fun and I couldn't have asked for more. Lots of love!

Today...Monday...not so great, but I'm looking past it now. I have a friend who keeps telling me to "Breathe. Okay now do it again."

Of course, this is also the person who told me this weekend I was "a beating". Ummmmm...really? And my response, you ask?

"Pffffffff...like I haven't heard that before!"

And Ang's smartly added comment while laughing was, "And did you add, 'Is THAT all ya' got?!' "

And yes...I can be a beating. :::I proudly affirm::: All I can say is be patient with me. My shield is set on maximum strength.

But, I digress...again.

So as I try to "breathe" as I look around now at all the stuff I still need to do to get ready to move, I'm overwhelmed (yes, again) and feel as if I'm the one whose been beaten. As incredibly ready as I am to move and start new, I'm equally unmotivated to do this. Again. After having just done it less than two years ago. I HATE moving.

The lemonade (another Ang term) of it all is it allows me to clean out the clutter. The things that somehow make it in the house then you find later and look at like, "Where in the world did you come from?" It also allows me to sit on the floor of my closet and sort through pictures, letters, cards, little hand-written notes and hold onto memories.

While doing this, I came across an envelope of paperwork my dad gave me a long time ago. In it was both my mom's birth and death certificate. I tried to skip past it and use it as a reminder that I really need to purchase a small fire-proof safe for things I want to protect. But I kept coming back to it. I know what she'd be saying if she were here.

In the 15 short years I had with her, she taught me so much about how to be a strong woman, loving mother and just a good person (all of which I'm still working on, by the way!). She was amazingly strong. A fantastic mom. A lady. She taught me to treat others the way you want to be treated. She was always, always considerate of others. Gracious. Generous. Totally and completely dedicated to her family. And I know part of her right now would be absolutely broken hearted about where I am in my life. A part would be angry.

But the biggest part of her would be, "Okay, so where do we go from here?" because she never gave up. She didn't know how to surrender. Yes...she definitely passed that on to me. And let me tell ya...it's both a gift and a curse. But as stubborn as she was, she also taught me how to forgive. Her illness alone showed me our time here is questionable and you've got to take care of what's important while you can and let go of the rest. I'm sure, had she lived long enough, she would have taught me the finer art of only carrying with you what you can handle at the time. And boy could I use to know that right about now!

While I have been able to toss out a lot of things I either don't need or no longer want, I also know some things are simply going to come with me whether they've surpassed the expiration rule of "if you haven't used it in the last year" or not. That rule is what's a beating! Sometimes it's just not an accurate measurement of time.

And then there are those things you just can't put in a box. Some things stay in our hearts, like it or not. Safely tucked away where no one can touch them. And while my heart has proven fire-proof, it will stay carefully packed away for awhile. It's definitely coming with me, but it's totally surrounded by a ridiculous amount of protective wrap and marked "FRAGILE! DON'T BREAK!" for now. All of my wonderful memories will stay there. And they definitely don't have an expiration date.

Always remember and never forget: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. ~ Dr. Seuss.

I'M CRUSHING YOUR HEADS!

It's the short-term goals I'm supposed to be focusing on. But those long-termers keep peaking their impatient little heads over the horizon.

I remind myself of the temporariness of it all. Because I know:

At some point:
...I won't have to remind myself to smile when I feel like staring into space.
...I will wake up ready to tackle the day instead of telling myself, "C'mon...you can do it."
...I'll be somewhere where there's no computers and a cell phone signal only in case of emergency (for my kids sake!).
...I won't stress over every penny and the phrase "We don't have the money for that right now. I'm sorry." won't be used nearly as often.
...This knot in my stomach, throat and back will be gone.
...I won't feel the need to cheer for my car everytime it starts.
...I won't second-guess everyones intentions, words, actions.
...I will look in the mirror and think, "You look good today" vs. the every day battle of, "What's happened to you? You look tired."
...I'll have my energy back.
...I'll be back in my size 4 jeans.
...I'll look forward to exercising.
...I'll trust.

Someday..

FINDING THE DEEP IN THE STEEP

I went and looked at the place me and the kids will be calling 'home' in two short weeks. And all the feelings of 'how did it come to this' rushed back.

I haven't written in a week, even though I tried to hold myself accountable last Sunday night by saying I would 'write more' tomorrow. I didn't.

So I went and looked back at what I was going to write about. All the scribble on my church bulletin. It was full of everything I need to keep reminding myself of, especially when I get overwhelmed with the emotion I felt today. Especially then.

When I first got to to church, I let a friend know I was there and she replied, "God's going to tell you something today. Be ready!". And she was right. He hit me smack in the face with it. I looked in the bulletin and the name of the sermon was "First Things First: Life is Too Steep".

He started off by talking about times in our lives that are like mountains. Times we think we can never overcome. Times that pretty much just scare us into submission. He said mountains can be both breathtaking and breath-taking. No doubt. It all depends on your perspective.

Can we overcome these mountains? Of course. But it has to do with how prepared we are and the precautions we take. And again...our perspective. The steep has us missing out on all the deep. I may not be able to see all that deep right now, but it's there.

I'm definitely not at my best when my worries smother my focus. There are no quick fixes in life. It's one step at a time. That's the only way to get over the mountain.

So while I walked in church that morning and felt very alone, near the end of the service I looked around. There were people...friends...I knew all around me. Not necessarily 'close' friends, but people I knew. I wasn't alone. Just as with many things in my life right now, a new kind of 'together'. More importantly, the kids were thrilled to be back. Even auditioned later on that day for roles in the upcoming Christmas Pageant (and both got roles).

I have got to keep reminding myself that while I'm down-sizing my kids home, I'm doing it from a very loving place. It keeps us where we need to be for now. It's temporary. It's walls, a ceiling, floors and it's safe. And even though it's very small, it will be full of love and one day when we move on, it will be full of memories.

And I'll look back at that particular mountain and say, "Yeah...I did that. I made it to the other side."

THANK YOU...YOU

Thank you to the friend who sent this to me. It touched my heart!

Feelings

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived:
Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink so all repaired their boats and left.
Love was the only one who stayed -- Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost sinking,
Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat.
Love said,"Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!".
"I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you."
It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name.
When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.
Love realized how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge (another elder):
"Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

WEEKEND QUOTABLE NOTABLES

What a weekend. Lots in my head (and actually on paper because yes people, I DO write on my church bulletins) , but so incredibly tired so this is my way of holding myself accountable of doing it tomorrow.

Quotes from the weekend:

"Yessss! The tornado sirens are going off! That means our game will be cancelled. Oh. Wait...the tornado sirens are going off...that can't be good."

"Is it really necessary for us to go to sleep or is it more of a request of yours?"

"I don't get why you don't like the Fred movie, Miss Terri. It's helarious."

"I always feel so at home and comfortable over here at your house."

"Can I come home with you guys...and stay the rest of the week?"

"Mom...seriously, I had NO idea I was that good at laser tag. I literally got everyone. Poor kids."

When getting ready to audition for the church Christmas pageant:

Belle: "I'm gonna go for Mary or an Angel."

Ben: "Well I'm gonna go for Jesus or God. Whichever is available."

Me: "Whaaaaaaa? Ummmm...Jesus was a newborn ON HIS BIRTHDAY. And God doesn't have speaking parts."

Ben: "What can I say? I'm embarrassed. I knew all that. I was just going for it...".

And finally, from Pastor Tom:

"You know what they say...
If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing.
If you want to be happy for a week, take a vacation.
If you want to be happy for a month, get married.
If you want to be happy for a year, win the lottery.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, help others."

More to come...

DREAM

I had never heard this song before. Then today...three times. And for some reason, it caught my attention every single time and stopped me in my tracks.

BRINGIN' DOWN DA HOUSE!

It has been a long and exhausting week. One of the longest, actually.

So what's a girl to do? Mani-Pedi? Massage? More like...what's a MOM to do...

Take one for the team and have a double sleep-over. Yep, each kid has a friend spending the night. They asked awhile back if they could have one before we move from this house and of course the answer was "Yes". Shelby initially had a party/sleep-over to go to tonight, but it had to be rescheduled. However, when Ben found out she was going to be away, he asked if he could have a friend over. Since the boys are so much less (let me repeat...SO.MUCH.LESS) maintenance than the girls, it sounded like a perfect idea.

I have a ton of work to catch up on. Packing to do. I could go on. It would prove to be a productive evening for moi.

Then this past week kicked my arse, her sleep-over was canceled and today's been a stay-inside-tornado-warning kinda day. But the show must go on.

And I know they are gonna have a blast! :-) This mom has a buffet of pizza, hot wings, soda (that's right...soda!) and home made cookies set up. The girls are going to sleep in a tent in Belle's room and the boys...can someone say "Nerf War"?!

Ready or not, here we go!

WE'LL CALL THIS A DAY-ENDER