BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY...SORRY TENNESSEE

These past couple weeks have been so busy I've barely had time to...well...do anything. What's busier than busy? I can't think of an example here so I'll just move on.

While I've got lots of things to write about, while Belle is in the bath I'll go ahead and take a minute to jot down what just happened so I don't forget it. Sorry Shelby...this is one story I do NOT want to forget and want you to remember forever.

I was doing laundry and she walked out of her room and to announce she was writing a song and will be in her room if I need her for anything.

A short while later, she emerged saying she had the first part done and asked if I would like to hear it.

"Of course!" I answered. Are you kidding me?

I read it and was honestly taken back a little. It was actually pretty good.

"You wrote this?"

"Yes mom!" she answered.

A few minutes later she adds another line to it. The line is "And let it sink into the river of love". Okay...so now I'm suspicious.

"What's a river a love? How did you come up with that?" I inquired.

"It's a river with love in it. Why?" she adamantly answered.

"You know Shelby, I think I need to teach you a word. It's called 'plagerism'. And that's when someone steals words or phrases someone else wrote. You can steal words just like you can steal gum from a store."

Immediately she starts crying. And not just crying...DRAMA CRYING.

(There's a big difference. You have no way of knowing this if you don't have a daughter.)

Finally, I quieted her in hopes of sparing what hearing was left of the neighborhood dogs from her high-pitched, monkey-hollering (I exaggerate a little here :-) ) and started telling her of ways to come up with her own ideas.

You know...a teaching moment. About writing. I can do this!

"Think of something you love or love to do," I told her.

"Okay..:::sniff sniff::: Horses. I love horses," she answered, still upset, but more ticked off now than sad.

"Perfect. So think of the horses. What do you like about them? What do you like to do with them? Do you understand? How do you feel when you're with them? What do you smell? What do you see?" I told her, feeling quite proud of how I turned the situation around.

She pauses briefly to think of the questions I just posed then says,"Good. Horse poop. Other horses. That's not a song!! You've never written a song mom, so you just don't know how it feels!"

"Neither have you, but I've written plenty of other things," I quipped.

"Yes I have written a song!"

"Really? When?"

"Just now! That one!"

"Noooooo. YOU didn't write that. Someone else did."

"Uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I should've started writing when I was three, like Taylor Swift. Now I'm all washed up!"

Oh forget it...let's just take you to Hollywood. I see an Oscar, not a Grammy.

SLAP IN THE FACE

I have to admit...today I am worn out. For many reasons.

Physically and emotionally.

To top it off, I already knew I was going to have to work even more tonight and had secretly dreamt of walking in the door, kids angelically waiting and the night just unfolding like a perfectly kept blanket.

Instead I got lip-service from the girl and a request for more money to be spent on something trivial from the boy. Not off to a good start.

We (thank you, God) somehow managed to rebound quite nicely, had a good dinner, cleaned the kitchen and I informed them I had to work...mom is sorry. It's how bills get paid, blah, blah, blah...they've heard this before.

So here I am on my bed...laptop on my, well, lap...working through a list of 2,200 properties for work and in walks Shelby with a sly grin on her face and hands me a little envelope.

God...JUST IN CASE I was too busy to thank you for all the good in my life today and kept complaining about the petty stuff I kept being hit with...please consider this a huge thank you for my healthy, thoughtful kids.

DO-OVER? NO NEED...

The beginning of this weekend has my "mom" brain in quite the conundrum.

We are, for the first time, all going to be in different cities. In different parts of this Great State, I should say and I'm feeling a tad bit (I'm going to admit it) OUT OF CONTROL.

In an effort to motivate me, I get the following quote told to me right after I drop off Shelby and am a little sad...you know...needing some consoling. "Oh...c'mon now Mother Goose. Let the small wings grow so they can support the bigger ones when it's time for them to do their job."

What?

"You know what I mean! Don't ask me to repeat something like that. It will never come out the same the second time!"

Regardless, I got the meaning behind it. I wasn't sure about letting each kid go on these little adventures (it's not like they're *huge* adventures, just a mom thing of wanting to be able to get to them quickly if need be), but knowing I'm not going to be able to afford a vacation for them this summer and that they are going with people I trust...the conclusion to let go a little was finally reached. (And please don't tell me this is no big deal...I'm a 'planner' and both opportunities came up almost simultaneously and suddenly...that's all!) :-)

It's that fine line of being overly-protective and moderately trusting. Or something like that anyway. I don't want to hold them back from having fun just because I'm nervous. We cross new lines every day.

Last night, CPJ told me he found a book of his grandmothers that he'd literally walked by about a thousand times. He'd just never picked it up. It was one of those that has questions typed in it and the person completes the answers to create a "memory" book. He said, "I know I read that thing for about 45 minutes upon picking it up and found out so many things about her I never knew. It just amazed me."

One of the questions was, "If you had to do it all over again, what would you do different?". I thought about this so much last night.

Given the opportunity, what would I do different?

Then I finally came to the conclusion it was too late for that. I can't change the past. I wish I could, but I can't. So now I need to decide...what can I do better?

I decided awhile ago I wanted to be a better person. A happier person. And I made an all-out effort to achieve that and can enthusiastically say...I have done that. My heart changed and I can almost remember the day I felt it happen. I've tried explaining it and I can't. To those it hasn't happened to or don't "believe" it can, it's just too difficult to put into words. But I **know** it happened and am so grateful.

I know I don't want to waste time anymore. We get one life and I don't want to miss out on living it. Or wasting it with things (or people) that (or who) don't put a smile on mine or my kids faces the majority of the time.

I know I want to get in shape. I want to eat better. I want to live as long as I can so I can play with my grandkids and my great grandkids.

I don't want to live a life full of regrets. I know I will have some, we all do. But I want to put every effort into treating people the way I want to be treated.

I don't want to be scared of opening my heart, but know that will take time.

I want to be a good role model (woman, mother, wife, etc...) to my kids.

As I thought of all these things (and more!) I also thought of what it will take to accomplish them. And you know what? I'll never accomplish them.

As in...all of these items aren't destination tickets. They are journeys. It's how we choose to live our lives...in steps. Stages.

So I'm taking a deep breath (as instructed!) and exhaling with gratitude.

Always remember and never forget: There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. ~Denis Waitley

HAVE YOU MET....?

"I love your hair!" is how it started.

I often wondered since then, did He plan that statement to be our first introduction? I think more likely, since I know her so well now, it was a case of free will instead because those words are sooooo her.

People, circumstances, places...they are all ways in which He chooses to reach us.

For some it could be on the summit of a mountain. For others it could be while whitewater rafting or gazing at a sunset. Still others find Him during an event in their life. It could be a tragic one or at the opposite end of the spectrum and entering the realms of blessed splendor.

I have absolutely no doubt He tried to reach me in all these ways. But since I require being hit over the head with a hammer, He finally decided I wasn't going to get the subtleties and jumped in my direct path.

So for me, it took a person.

A petite young woman whom I'd never met before, but approached me at a Bunko party and told me she liked my hair. I took her to my 'stylist' at the time (Larry...what a great hair dresser and sweet, sweet man!!) and that was all it took. We bonded. That was about ... what? ... 14 years ago? She'd remember better than I, because as I like to tell her...she has a ridiculous memory and a lot of wasted space for most of it. I'm sorry...but to prove my point, I'll offer this fact: She remembers my doctor's appointments better than I do and she doesn't write them down. Has even been known to go to more than one with me. Just sayin'... .

Anyway, I know God brought Angela in my life to remind me I should be walking more closely with His Son. She wasn't brought in my life to take the place of anyone, though we refer to each other as "Chosen" (sisters), but rather to enhance my life.

I once wrote her a letter letting her know she reintroduced me to Christ. It was important to me she know this.

I lost my mom at 15 years of age and had a distorted view of life, trust and love. Many things actually. While I went to church, believed in God, prayed...I wasn't living my life with Him being in control. She reminded me to do just that. He's at the beginning, end and center of it all.
And while we have had ups and downs, as any very close friends do, the bond is unbreakable due to what she did for me.

I've got peace in my heart and in my life because of her. Yes...I have various forms of turmoil surrounding me daily, like a lot of people do. But, I've finally learned what it means to turn it over to God. It took me a long time to learn how to do this, and I'm still not perfect at it, but I know without a doubt He is in control and never leaves me.

I can't change circumstances. I can't change people. But I can change me and what I choose to see. Who I choose to listen to. How I chose to live my life. And I've learned, especially lately, the grace of not judging others.

My decisions have been questioned (to which I ask...is there any such thing as 'boundaries' anymore?!) due to recent circumstances and I'm finally coming to terms with just letting go and letting Him take over. I can't control what others think or what they *think* they would do in my shoes...they don't know all my circumstances. HE does and HE is who I go to for advice.

I've had the opportunity to pass that on to others and it makes me realize you never know who you are going to impact, given the opportunity. And every single one of us has the opportunity, every day.

Angela may just think she impacted me, but it's carried on further than that. It's a chain of events and people that started with our meeting. Ben would say it's a lot like Legos. Alone, one may not seem so impressive. But start putting them together, then stand back and take a look and you'll be surprised at the creation.

I now have even more people in my life who don't mind talking about Christ and what He has done in their lives. They believe He is in control and remind me where to turn when I start to get off-course, as well all tend to do. One such friend often tells me, "Get outta the driver's seat...you aren't supposed to be the one steering!". I love that visual.

So while she is saying, "I'm not perfect! Don't make me sound perfect!"...she isn't and I'm not implying that. None of us are. I do believe in giving credit where it's due though, especially when I have so many people talking to me right now about my faith and how I seem to see things so clearly and peacefully when things 'go wrong'. It didn't happen overnight. But it DID happen because of someone in my life who didn't mind sharing something meaningful with me. Letting go of negative things around you is a choice. Sometimes it's a decision I have to make every five minutes, but it's still a choice! A very active decision.

Thank you, Ang. I'm so glad we ran into each other that night so many years ago and I'm forever grateful Who you made me run into once again. He knew I was going to need Him more than anyone at this point in my life and only He is equipped to give me the support I need. If it weren't for you, I could very well be angry, bitter and extremely unhappy.

It's because of our meeting I'm happy today, I'm able to forgive, call on grace rather than anger, try and raise my kids in the best way I can, and most importantly...turn over all those things I have absolutely no control over to Him.

Always remember and never forget: God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who walks away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go.

FROM WHAT I HEARD TO "WHAT I SEE"

Several weeks ago, a sweet friend of mine suffered a tragic loss. Her husband passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly while on their 10th anniversary in Hawaii.

While the story of what happened is not mine to tell, what she asked me to do for her and her family is something I will always remember and know my kids will, also.

It was without a doubt the most honorable thing anyone has called on me to do and something I would have never imagined I'd have the ability to do.

In the days following his death, all of her friends wanted to help in any way possible. Knowing that so many people wanted to help and that it was also a time she and her kids needed to be as much on "their terms" as possible, we all went through a couple of her closest friends to help. Whatever she needed, they would inform everyone else of and it was immediately taken care of.

During this time, she and her kids were obviously in my thoughts (and all of her other friends) almost constantly. And as I tend to do when stressed, I wrote.

It came about in a different way than I'm used to. I kept thinking I knew he was in an amazing place, as he was a Christian. But I also kept thinking of his family and even though they knew that fact as well, it didn't make the pain any less real. Any less devastating. Any less debilitating.

I thought of what they must be feeling. Then...I thought of how he must feel.

Allen was a humorous guy, to say the least.

I could almost hear him saying, "Hello?! I'm in heaven!"

And all I could think of was, "I *know* that...and while it is comforting for your family to know they will see you again, they want to see you now."

Then the phrase hit me, "If you could see what I see..." and I started writing.

I sent it to Alex and she responded with a touching note letting me know how she had read it to the kids during a night they were crying and especially upset and how it had soothed them.

Then she asked me if I would considering reading it at his funeral.

My immediate response to her was, "Of course. Anything for you."

And after I replied, I thought..."Terri...how in the world are you - Ms. Emotional - cry at every other commercial on television - gonna do that without totally breaking down?!"

Obviously it took prayer, prayer and lots more prayer.

Both Ben and Shelby wanted to go to the funeral. It wouldn't be their first, but I still tried to convince them it wasn't necessary. Shelby wanted to be there for her friend and Ben said, "It's what you do. You go and honor their life. Plus, Caroline is always nice to me and never bothers me whenever she comes over." Okay then...done.

I was able to not only read the poem (yes, I teared-up, but not bad) but I was also able to read it with the inflection I wrote it with and look at them while doing so.

When I went back to sit down, Ben hugged me and said, "Mom...I am so proud of you. This is why I actually came. So after you read that, you wouldn't have to come back and sit alone" and the sweet boy held my hand.

At the family and friends lunch after the burial, sweet Caroline came and hugged me and motioned her finger for me to bend down because she had to whisper something to me. "I just wanted to tell you thank you for the poem. It was the best gift ever. It sounded just like my dad!"

I told her she was very welcome and I was so glad she liked it. I also said since it sounded like her dad, I was willing to bet he had a hand in writing it since I'd never written a poem before, so we'd just consider it a gift from him."

Her response? "Cooooool!"

And then I walked away and I cried.

Following is the poem in honor of Allen Wayne Gulledge. Your family will always have you in their hearts and feel your presence with them. I know...I know...you already know this. :-)

WHAT I SEE

If you could see what I see, you’d see streets lined pure of gold.
   Joyous angels and peaceful scenes of a future yet to unfold.
My view from here is Perfect and I see all I need to see.
   Forever you will have a watchful eye ensuring love surrounds the lives you lead.

If you could see what I see, you’d see the tops of rainbows, stars and the moon.
   You’d know all the raindrops, wind and sunshine are ways I keep close to you.
While it’s hard to understand now, all the answers Here are clear.
   One day you will comprehend them and it will wash away your fears.

If you could see what I see, you’d notice my smile shines through two little girls.
   You’ll see me in their laughter, jokes and expressions as you walk them through this world.
Remember I reside in your heart and you will always feel my love.
   We’ve simply said “until we meet again”, and our reunion will be above.

If you could see what I see, you’d see a beautiful family and loving friends.
   They will always be beside you for help and comfort as this new journey begins.
Though you may be scared, you are not alone, so trust in the Faith we know to be true,
   Alex, Jonathan, Caroline and Maddie…Our love is strong and I’ll be watching over you.



Allen Wayne Gulledge



Always remember and never forget: Even in times that seem unbearable and more than you can handle, you are stronger than you think you are with God as your reserve.

AHHH YES...I REMEMBER IT WELL

I still remember the feeling this day brought about all too well.

The last day of the school year.

No more homework. No more setting an alarm. But mainly...freedom to do whatever I wanted to do. For months and months. And usually that meant all summer at Seablue (the neighborhood pool) with my best fried, Betty. I'm talking every. single. day.

But today it's about my kids and they had a great last day. And, as you may have guessed, are officially wiped out tonight. Each went to a swim party after school thanks to the amazing friends I've been blessed with in my life, because this momma had to work. And even later than I planned on thanks to an overzealous investor we had in town., but that's another story.

I went and picked up the kids. Brought them home. Got their sweet, little, slightly-sunburnt and over-tired bodies in dry clothes and had them lay down and rest briefly so I could finish some work and then cook spaghetti for dinner.

We sat down at the table and ate while hearing about their 'beastly' last day of school.

Beastly?

"Yeah mom...that's like a kid term for 'awesome' and you're just a wee-bit too old to use it," advises Ben.

"Excuse me?!" I reply.

And then comes the even more interesting 'word'...

"Ben...don't you know mom is a PYT?!" says Shelby with a huge grin, attempting to defend her mom, while at the same time letting us know she had learned a new word of her own.

Apparently Michael Jackson's music really does transcend generations.

So dinner is done. Kitchen is clean. Ice cream cones are served. Scout is walked. Actually, Scout's very entertaining chasing of the fireflies and meeting a new friend (chocolate lab named Stonewall) is done and I start to relax.

My favorite time of night commenced. We piled up on my bed and have "Family Fun Night", as Shelby likes to call it. Tonight, we cuddled together and watch "Gnomeo and Juliet" which was great except when the couple divorce and she takes her yard pink flamingo with her when she leaves, which in turn breaks the heart of the pink flamingo who gets left behind. And then, of course to add insult to injury, loses a leg when the owner pulls him out of the ground...and Shelby loses it.

I mean all-out crying.

I remind her since it's not a Disney movie (sorry Disney...you kill off too many main characters) and I'm willing to bet by the end of the movie, he will find love again with another pink flamingo. Which (thank you very much) he does.

After the movie they tell me of the friends they have learned won't be back at their school next year and how thankful they are to still be there. I make mention again (just to make sure) that we can still rent a house for the price I'm paying in rent for the apartment and they insist, "No! PLEASE let us stay at our school with our friends."

Which is fine with me. No, apartment living isn't the *best*, but it also hasn't been the worst thing. It's made me thankful for things I had in a house and now miss, not to mention it's made me very aware of the things I had and now realize I don't need.

God never has failed me. He placed me with a friend when I was young who I am still friends with to this day. We don't talk all the time, but I know without a doubt she is there for me anytime. Anyplace. And as time has moved on, I've discovered she isn't the only friend I have who is classified as a "go-to" friend.

I recently had a discussion with Shelby about how real friends aren't 'jealous' when they play with other friends. If she really wants her friends to be happy, she shouldn't make it about her. She should be happy her friends have other friends. And she should have many friends. I shared with her not all friends are 'best' friends, because those special ones come along far-and-few between. But we should be friendly to all and be happy when others have people they can turn to. I tried getting the point across to be happy if they are happy and there for them when they can be. It's a lot to take in for an 8 year-old brain! Heck...seems to be a lot for some adults to take in sometimes! :-)

I really pray my kids have friends who they know they can always turn to and who they will always be around for, as well. It may not necessarily be anyone they know now, but one day I hope they have the types of friends in which time and distance won't shake their bond. Life gets hectic sometimes and our attention has to shift to a type of triage mode, while others may still on cruise-control. Understanding and balance...our forever-friends provide that.

Always remember and never forget: With forever-friends, it doesn't matter how often you talk, it only matters what you say when you do.

FARE-THEE-WELL...BOB

I know I wrote about 'him' awhile back. Bob. You know...Bob, Ben's first armpit hair.

I swear this kid keeps me continually laughing.


Here's tonight's "goodnight" conversation:

Me: Goodnight for the last time as a 5th grader!

Ben: I know! Bob and I are very excited to be...

...at this point I reach under his arm, pinch his skin and pull it and inform him I just pulled Bob out.

Ben (loudly laughing and rolling back-and-forth on his bed): Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYY????

Me: I thought he was bothering you so ... you know ...

Ben (still laughing very hard and cupping his armpit like it hurts): I can't believe this just happened! Mom! Why? Why? I'm stunned!

...all I can do is laugh at him. Finally, he gets quiet and turns toward his other armpit and says with a smirk on his face...

Ben: Bill. Be on the lookout. Bob is gone. HE'S GONE! Mom pulled him. He was so young! What a waste...Now it's just you and me for 6th grade, Bill! Bills says, 'Back off'.


Seriously...where does this kid get this material?! LOVE HIM!

And by the way...there was never an armpit hair. Ummmm, errr...I mean a 'Bob'. But don't tell Ben...