THERE'S NO MAYBE ABOUT IT

After a very long time, I'm not afraid. I get to define myself. I complete me, not anyone else. I'm so incredibly thankful I'm not in an insecure rush. Needy? Maybe. Difficult? Without a doubt.

I was recently told, "You have two things going for you with me: you're funny and interesting."

My response: "That's all ya' got?! Two things?!"

"Good grief woman, do you have to over-analyze everything?!"

Who? Me?! Guess my past survival skill of HAVING to analyze things to get to the truth and true meaning is just part of my baggage. Unpacking slowly...thank you for the help. :-)

So now I'm grateful. I get to have this time to work on me. And I am. Part of that includes working on drowning out the noise. It keeps circling around my life though, no matter how hard I try to swat it away. What used to make me furious now empowers me. What used to scare me now makes me just shake my head and change directions.

And this song...it's like a little anthem for me.




MAYBE

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION...OR YOU'LL MISS IT

Two things were brought to my attention yesterday that are, well...worth sharing.

First, the image below. It's an album cover from Jack Johnson and there are hidden images in it. Yes, it's one of those you kind of have to stare at for awhile then BOOM they pop out. Love it.

And second...this song.

There are other videos, but in my opinion...they take away from the lyrics so I'm providing it in the format it was shown to me.

:-)

COFFEE, MELATONIN AND MUD PUDDLES

What **should** I be doing? Working. But since I've been doing that and my brain is on overload, I'm taking a mental health break and writing. I figure if I get some stuff out of my head, maybe it will function properly. You know...like when you're trying to stir the creamer in a cup of coffee you got a little too full...it spills over and creates a mess. Am I the only one who does that?

Oh well...

The past 10 days, give or take, have been a blur. I slept two hours last night and have no real reason for it. I wasn't thinking of any one thing in particular. I was working on a logo that was (still is) giving me problems, but decided to put that aside. Had a nice conversation with a friend. Washed my face. Snuggled up under a goose down blanket. And waited.

Nothing.

It's not even like my mind was churning ideas, as it often does when I'm working on a creative project. I just honestly think I have so much on my plate right now, my mind is doing some sort of juggling act with everything I'm trying to get accomplished.

This morning, after I tell Ang I didn't sleep last night, she responds with a text saying simply: "Melatonin!!"

Yes, it is the wonder drug when it comes to sleeping, but if I don't take it by 11:00 at the latest, I am a little drowsy in the morning. Of course, it wasn't until around 1:00 a.m. when I had finally come to the conclusion I wasn't going to fall asleep.

So I started thinking of my newest venture I'm so excited about. And the conversation I had about it today made it even more exciting.

DF told me some good news about it and the conversation went a little something like this (omitting a few things I'm not at liberty to talk about yet!):

DF: You aren't gonna believe the email I just got (then tells me about it).

Me: Really?! That's awesome!. You guys are going to have a great time.

DF: It's going to be fun. But a lot of hard work. The most exciting thing is ** said ..."if it's not something we can show to a church congregation, then I don't want any part of it". I told **, sounds like we're all gonna get along just fine.

Me: Absolutely!


It's so easy to fall into a lazy way of doing things. Or even a way that you think, "This makes me look cool" when everyone else is going...."Ummmm...really?!". It's more important to me, and as a way to show my kids, even though the non-traditional route may take longer...it's worth it in the end. Hard work pays off. Effort pays off. Choosing the high road is never a bad choice. In the end, you have something to be proud of. You are able to look back and say, "Yeah...I did that. And you can be proud to say your mom was a part of it."

It would be easy to write a blog, or anything for that matter, about trashy things. About negative things. About sleaze. Those words and topics come easily to the weak-minded and weak-at-heart. While some may think it's funny, and I get it has its place, I've seen the ugly side of it and what it can cause.

I'm so proud to be heading down a road alongside people whom I'm honored to be associated with. Their decisions are grounded and come from a place of conviction and dedication. They keep me on my toes and excited about new possibilities. They make me want to work hard at not only being the best example I can be, but being a Mom my kids can be proud of. They remind me I can do this. Tell me I'm not just capable, but if I didn't do it...well that would just be stupid! :-)

So my head is swimming and swirling and things are spilling over a bit right now, but it's okay. Because it's all good. What little negative I do have is being overshadowed right now and I have no doubt where that bright light is coming from.

Always remember and never forget: Don't be surprised when you get dirty walking through the middle of a mud puddle.

JUST A FEW THINGS TO REMEMBER

What goes around comes around.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Say 'I love you' every day.

A kind word goes a long way.

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.

Do unto others as you as you would have them do unto you.

And, finally - When you least expect it...expect it.

NOT JUST WALLS...A FORTRESS

I heard "vulnerable" described yesterday as 'creating an opening to bring something in'. And the challenge within this is how we let go. We aren't certain of what or who we are letting in, because that's when we rely on the trust factor.

Is this experience going to produce positive results? Is this person going to deceive me? All we can control is ourselves. Our own choices to do right or wrong. And then make up for the wrong we do. At least that's what the conscious-given human being does. And, of course, that haunting choice to be vulnerable or not.

The older we get, the tougher the choices. The more things and people these choices have a chance of affecting. Our lives becomes a web stretching far and wide. It both purposely and inadvertently catches a vast array of circumstances, people, experiences and emotions. The limitless boundaries of this web astound me every single day. The world we live in is so incredibly small and connected. I really had no idea, until recently.

I'm told I have walls up. But, I knew this. Hello?! It took me a long time to construct those walls! You think I don't know they're there? I put them there on purpose. I built them strong.

Only thing is...now I'm not sure how to get them down. Slowly. I'm not interested in them coming down too far anytime soon. But I'm afraid if I start to even take them down just a little, the walls themselves will become too vulnerable to keep out what I *still* want kept out. At least for now. I can't afford for them to collapse right now and while my heart feels the need to apologize to certain people about this, my head says they understand and not to over-analyze their presence. If I'm important in their life, and them in mine, they will all be there when the walls come tumbling down. And they will celebrate with me. Maybe I'll even trust them to help chip away at the walls in time. We'll see... .

There's obviously a generous payback when you are vulnerable in the right situations. These days I find myself really analyzing situations which may have even the slightest possibility of sneaking up and biting me. Probably because I've been bitten a few too many times lately. I don't want to become pessimistic or a "glass half empty" person. But for now I simply see my behavior as cautious.

Which is tough because my heart is generally what I go with, instead of my head. My heart wants to believe the best in situations and in people. It wants to help others. It wants to be generous. But my head is sneaking in a lot more lately and saying, "Slow down...this has little red flags all over it". And when my head watches actions take place over words that were said...it tells my heart to look the other way. Now's not the time. No matter what the words say, actions speak volumes louder.

And so I'm not shy about getting advice from my "go-to" people during these times.They know my story. My character. My life. We are there for each other...always. They know what's at stake and want only what is best for me and my two kiddos. They tell it to me like it is. And that's the way I like it.

Just this past weekend, I was told, "You are very straightforward. You're kind of intimidating me." I had to laugh. My response, "You need to be straightforward too. It will save us time." Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's just that easy.

So while many things are worth the risk, my kids' future and my ability to be everything I'm supposed to be as their mom just isn't one of them. I've said before: I'm a "Momma Bear" and most (but not all) moms I know are the same way.

We instinctively protect our young. Kind of like we finally learn to protect ourselves...when necessary. Why is it we instinctively protect others, but sometimes leave ourselves out in the elements without even so much as thinking, "This isn't right. Take up for yourself! Don't be a doormat!"? But you have to watch the line that changes you into being defensive...apparently. So your baggage doesn't get heaped on someone else who had nothing to do with packing those dang bags. And to be honest...I'm quite tired of carrying these bags around. Especially over and around the wall. So...somethings gotta go. Right?

Think I need to start lightening my load. And I know what the first thing to go will be. Thankfully. I know.

Always remember and never forget: Sometimes we build walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down. And then other times...they are marked with a bold "No Trespassing" sign!

RECENT LESSONS LEARNED

Just a few of the things I've learned recently:

When working from home, Scout will eyeball me every 15 minutes until I finally think, "Okay...she must have to go out and I don't want any type of accident in my apartment..." so I take her out. She will then, with pinpoint accuracy, hit every mud pit between here and the dog park (and of course IN the dog park).

Ben will occupy his time and come in every once in awhile to say, "How ya doin? I love you mom.". I already knew this.

Shelby will ask me 238 times about what spa treatments I think her and her friends should do at her birthday party...that isn't until May.

It will take me approximately 2 hours and 17 minutes to correctly identify a font (which I beat my Mac friend at doing and feeling quite proud of myself about now).

It hurts when you kick a knife. I know this is probably shocking to some. But it really does and *will* leave a mark.

The natural gas smell coming from my bathroom sink and bathtub is really starting to concern me. Even though I've been told it's "normal".

Homemade lasagna tastes even better on day three. Even though I did forget the seasonings I usually put in.

A wild animal will emerge from the trees upon the 5th trip to the dog park today. Yes...the bobcat.

Saying, "Go!" and stomping the ground will apparently scare off a bobcat.

Two laptops, a 7 year old girl, a dog and myself don't really make for a great workspace on my bed.

Dulce de leche coffee creamer is the best. I said BEST.

I'm happy to say I know how to forgive. As well as say, "I'm sorry". And mean both.

It can be difficult to coordinate two busy women's schedules during the weekdays so they can set appointments to go to together. But worth it when it finally works out.

Luck truly is when preparation and opportunity cross paths. You never know when a new venture will present itself.

Apparently, when my ears get cold and I put my hands over them...I cannot hear. But will continue to ask, "What?". As I result, I will think this is hilarious for some reason.

I love when I laugh so hard, I can't breathe or even look at the other person for fear I may actually fall over.

Even more than that, I love making others laugh.

I'm thankful for friendly and gracious neighbors and maintenance men who go above and beyond.

My car is hanging on by a thread. And I've gotta keep it stitched up because a new one isn't an option.

The person who moved in above me really is the loudest person in the world. And now on my "list".

I know I'm not alone in saying, if I didn't hear another Ke$ha song for a very long while, it would be just grand.

Despite what I sometimes think...God does not give me more than I can handle.

EVERYTHING THAT I KEEP MISSING

I've heard this song in the past and it was brought to my attention again today. The lyrics are beautiful and a great reminder of how we should try and view the world...and those living in it with us.

If we try to view it and others through His eyes, it would be a much more peaceful, understanding and forgiving world. Sometimes we just need a reminder that "our" world involves an intricate weave of people, places and things we aren't even aware of. Yet...




Look down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what’s underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, He's buying time
I’ve been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance
Give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

SOME FRIENDS ARE FOREVER

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Shelby got in the car after school the other day and announced she had a boyfriend.

At 7 years old, clearly too young to have a boyfriend, but knowing the incredible stubbornness of my daughter (yes...she gets it from me) and how she would react if I scoffed or started lecturing at this news, I decided it would be best to not give the "situation" too much attention. We've obviously discussed things like, "Second grade is really young to have a boyfriend. I think it's great you are friends. There's nothing wrong with having a boy who is also a friend." Etc.... .

Fast-forward to this afternoon after school:
Shelby: I've decided I'm going to break up with "David".
Me: Oh...really? Why is that?
Shelby: Well...I think you're right. I think I'm too young to have a boyfriend. Like you said, boyfriends aren't really allowed in second grade.
Me:  :::::picked jaw up off ground after being told I was right::::: I think you're very smart, Shelby. I'm very proud of you. Can I give you just a little more advice?
Shelby: Sure. What?
Me: Please don't be ugly about it. Just say something like, "I think we should just be friends."
Shelby: Oh yeah! That's exactly what I was going to say.

So we go to Milk and Cookies Night at the school tonight and I see "David" walk in. Eventually, he and Shelby find their way to each other (they've been buddies for 2 years, so them hanging out together isn't odd at all). After we leave, the conversation in the car goes:

Me: I saw you talking to "David".
Shelby: Yeah...
Me: Did you tell him you wanted to be friends?
Shelby: Mom! No! I'd NEVER do that in public. I'm going to pull him aside in private tomorrow.
Me: Shelby...I'm so incredibly proud of you. Thank you for being so mature about that.
Shelby: He's my friend. I don't want to embarrass him. He's one of my best friends.

Sweet girl...May you always put friendship and the feelings of others at the forefront. And may your friends do the same for you.

Always remember and never forget: Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose. ~ Tennessee Williams

LIKE I'M THE ONLY...

As you know, I'm a HUGE quote person. But I'll be danged if I can remember the all-important quote that fits this post.

It's from a man (is it Kevin Leman?!) who is talking about making his woman *feel* like she's the most important thing in his world. And it emphasizes that while she very-well may be...the most important thing to remember is even if she's not...even if it's his new Harley. His new boat. His client list. Whatever...he has to make her feel like she is.

I'm telling you guys...it really is THIS easy. A few nice words. A flower here and there. A little hand-written note. Even a mid-day text. A little attention...yep. We are just THAT easy to make happy. At least for awhile. You didn't think we were **that** simple, now did you!? :-) Actually...it's a secret, but we are... . Good luck.

The words to this song should be nothing but a reminder. You should know ALL of this by now.

THIS SPEECH IS MY RECITAL, I THINK IT'S VERY VITAL

Someone asked me the other day to tell them something no one else really knows about me. A quick "let-me-get-to-know-what-type-of-person-you-really-are" trick.

I had to think on that one. I'm such a talkative person and not too secretive about anything. It really stumped me. My answer was, "I'll have to get back to you on that...". Of course, that response was taken as a stall technique, but that wasn't the way it was intended. I really had no idea.

Until this morning on the way to work, that is. I have a sort of ritual, or tradition, if you will of  how I pass the time in traffic. Three words: Old School Rap. Yep. On the way to work, it's me and Run DMC. I provide the entertainment at the stoplights. I mean, who cares? I'm never gonna see these people again and it serves two very important purposes: 1) Wakes me up, and 2) Gets me in a really good mood. So if you call me on the way to work, chances are I won't answer because I'm performing my own private concert and can't hear the phone ring. (Sorry...now you know what I was doing the past two mornings!).

Not that I don't mix in more recents like Usher, Nelly, and ohhhhhhhhh Enrique and Pit Bull. "You know what time it is...".

Other than that, I think I'm one of those what you see is what you get kinda people. I had a brief stint this past holiday season where the real me stepped outside of my body and was apparently taken over by aliens, but other than that...I'm just me.

I couldn't think of anything else. I'm not good with secrets. They always, always come out anyway. Someday maybe everyone will catch on to that. However, it's fun watching those who think they are being so secretive and in reality knowing, "I know the truth about what's really going on!".

Regardless, if you pull up next to me at a stop light...rest assured you will be entertained.

You're welcome, in advance.

WARM HEART - WARM LIFE

It's days like today that add to the joy of having children.

We received almost 5" of snow and as usual, went out and got all in the middle of it. We have never been ones to watch it from the window and "oooh and ahhhhh" at it. No...we have snow ball fights. Build snowmen. Today even added a fort (well, sort of).

There's nothing like playing with kids to make you feel like a child yourself.

Ben headed down the stairs first and as soon as his feet hit the ground, he made a snow ball, turned and pegged his little sister right in the face. Crying commenced and I quickly told her, "Don't worry Belle...I'll get him for you" which made her smile.

Pick on someone your own size!

We had so much fun. There's something about a blanket of snow that creates a blank canvas. It makes you want to play. Create. Plan. Feel peaceful.

Looking at the crisp, white scene all around us made the wheels start turning. I thought back over the past couple weeks recalling how dark they had seemed and now stood in the brightest spot. It looked so clean. So perfect. Something about fresh, fallen snow brings about the prospect of unlimited possibilities. I stood there watching my kids play and smelled the mixture of wood burning fireplaces and clean laundry wafting through the cold air. Ahhhhhhhh.

I saw glimpses of hope. Of exciting adventures just introduced to me. Of new beginnings. And I told myself, "You are so lucky. So blessed. Try like hell to not let that fact slip too far away and definitely don't let anyone else and their poor choices/words bring you down."

Fact is, these two kids are incredible. And while some people may think being a mom makes your life a little "boring" - I think those people are lost. I think they don't at all get life and what it's about. If you have ever had a chance to be a parent and you've taken it seriously, you already know. If you considered it a burden, then I feel sorry for you.

These two little people get on each others nerves like crazy sometimes. But have no doubt...they are each others best friend. Perfect example: Shelby came home from school Friday announcing her and her "ex-boyfriend" (and I use this term very loosely as she's in 2nd grade!) had gotten back together. Then the conversation went like this:

Shelby: Yeah...but I think he likes someone else.
Ben: What do you mean? You said he asked you to get back together.
Shelby: Right, but I think he also likes Susan (not her name!).
Ben: Well if he's with her too, then that's cheating! And it's wrong! And you will NOT put up with that. Tell you what...I'll take care of it on Monday.
Me: Ben...whoaa...let's think about this. While I think it's great you want to take up for your sister, remember they are 7 years old. Let's not make too much of this.
Ben: Cheating is cheating, mom. I got this...
Me: Again...I love your allegiance to her, but she can handle it. Right Shelby?
Shelby: I can. But I'd rather Ben handle it.
Ben: I will.
Me: Sweetie...I can't emphasize enough my pride that you want to take up for her, but we need to realize what this is and what it's not.
Ben: I'll go easy on him...but he's gonna hear from me.

The conversation continued and I spoke to Ben in private about relationships vs. 2nd grade relationships! But I've gotta tell you...I was one proud momma listening to his protective nature. Showing me he wants to be a man and that he respects honesty and family.

So as we ended yesterday with Slurpees; we ended today with hot chocolate. And as cold as it was outside, they made my heart warm and filled me with love and pride.

While I may be missing some other things in my life right now, I'm certainly not missing unconditional love from two incredible people.

IN THE SHADOW IS THE GOLD

First, I have to give credit where credit is due. I did NOT write this. However, I read something by Carl Jung today and decided to do a little research. I found this very interesting! Hope you do too...

Fair Warning: It's a little deep!

 

What Is the Shadow in Jungian Psychology?

             Understanding the Dark Side of the Unconscious

by Megge Hill Fitz-Randolph

According to Carl Jung, the shadow is that part of the personality one chooses not to see. Usually of a vulgar, shameful, or corrupt nature, the shadow is comprised of whatever one cannot uphold in one’s idea of oneself. Not being integrated or even acknowledged by conscious mind, the shadow sits and waits in the unconscious.

If Not Acknowledged

But never does the shadow evaporate or disappear; it simply goes underground where it continues to influence the person as complexes and neuroses. The solution from a Jungian perspective is not to repress but to acknowledge this material, to move closer towards it while disallowing its full expression in daily life.

A Life of its Own

Otherwise, the shadow can take on a life of its own, burst out in inopportune moments causing embarrassment or worse. These are the stories that hit the cable news channels by the famous and infamous. Mostly, however, one feels only gripped from time to time by the black dog of depression or malaise which seems to arise for no apparent reason.

Shows up in Dreams

Meanwhile, the unconscious continues to present this shadow material in dreams and daydreams or fantasy life. In this way the psyche is constantly being given the opportunity to become cognizant of its entire range and reconciled, at least in part, to its “unacceptable” aspects.

Energy Block

The effort to handle the shadow by repression only blocks crucial energy from the psyche which can contribute to depression and inertia. Trying to handle it through projection onto others is another unsatisfactoy as well as dangerous way. However, once this repressed material starts to be acknowledged, the integration process has begun and tremendous energy starts returning to the psyche.

Causing No Harm

Jung saw that part of the work of the unconscious was to make itself heard by allowing life giving energy to be integrated back into conscious awareness. By transforming the shadow energy into acceptable expressions, the whole personality, its light and its dark side, can be brought into greater balance.

It should be remembered, however, that it is crucial to find appropriate substitutes for this shadow energy. It must be neither repressed nor fully exploited but, through transformation into appropriate channels, brought into balance with the conscious personality

Hiding the Gold

Sometimes it is not the darker aspects of the unconscious but the very best parts, the gold of the psyche, that is hidden. These are the unrealized talents and gifts that can seem as threatening to the psyche as anything else for they demand change of the personality structure and/or lifestyle in order to be realized. The work of the psyche, then, is to find ways to incorporate the unacknowledged material thereby releasing its energy caught in the backwaters of the unconscious. As this is accomplished more and more of this “stuck” energy becomes released and returned to consciousness. Thus the whole personality, its light and its darker sides, come into greater balance and wholeness.

I LOVE YOU, BY THE WAY

Another night of me being unable to turn off my brain led to yet another night of insomnia. To say I'm getting tired of it would be an understatement.

So, as usual, my brain starts unnecessarily scrutinizing my day and the activities that may, or may not have, occurred. It's ridiculous I do this. It isn't something I enjoy. I guess my "over-thinking" has become a bad habit I desperately need to break. Seems I have a few of those. Mainly in the category of "self-improvement", thankfully. I say thankfully because it could be worse. I could be addicted to drugs or alcohol or something, but trying to change certain aspects about your own life and personality are, well, difficult.

Regardless...mind turning, 1:00 a.m. and eventually my mind goes to The Bachelor and how one of the guys in the fraternity (Sigma Phi Epsilon...aka Animal House, as it turned out) I was a little sister to in college contacted me and said, "Terri...you do realize Brad was a Sig Ep at SWT, don't you?" My response was short and simple: "SHUT UP!". Obviously he was there after I was. Would like to think I would have noticed him. :-)

Anyway, one of the girls in the interview portion of the show talked about how she lost her fiance' in a plane crash and ever since then, she's been very generous in telling people she loves, "I love you" because you never know if you'll get another chance to do so. When she said it, I immediately thought, "I probably say 'I love you' more than most people." I wonder if people think I'm strange for doing that? Oh well. I don't care. I want them to know they are loved.

Then, as I thought thinking about what a great idea it really is, I realized I **really** do tell a lot of people I love them. I think it's a great thing to let someone know.

You always run the chance of someone making more out of it than it is. Of course, if they really know me...they hear me say it to others anyway, so they know I'm not proposing.

It doesn't mean "I'm head over heels IN-love with you and want to have your children". It doesn't mean "my life will not be complete without you"...though in most cases, the person I'm saying it to has certainly enhanced my life somehow. Obviously.

It does mean...you have a special place in my heart...I'm happy you are in my life...I pray for you and those you love...I want what is best for you and what makes you happy in this life...I'm always, always here for you...I'm probably going to hug you a lot :-)...I trust you.

Today as I sat at my desk eating lunch, I started wondering what Ang was doing today as I hadn't heard from her yet. Do you have certain friends you talk to every day...sometimes several times a day? Ang is one of those. It may be as simple as exchanging some texts, but we talk every day. So at precisely 12:29, as I'm thinking this exact thing, my phone goes off telling me I have a text message. I look at my phone and it says "Ang" on it. I open the message and it reads: "Having a good day? Hope so! Love you!" and I had to laugh...and of course immediately text her back how I was **just** thinking of her. I can't tell you how many times we have done something like that. The timing of two people who know each other so very well.

Last night as I was thinking of who all I say, "I love you" to on a regular basis the first was her. We literally tell each other almost every day. Weird? I don't think so. It's a great feeling to both say it and hear it. And to know someone cares enough about you to not be shy with words some people are so afraid to say.

"What will they think? Will they think I'm overly-emotional? Will they think I want to marry them? Will they laugh and say 'what?!' "

Someone at work told me "I love you" awhile back and I instantly returned it with an "Love you, too!". I couldn't have been happier to know someone else does that and we both understand the subtext of the words. It's what it is. Simple. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed to say. On the contrary, you should be ashamed if you don't say it.

In the same regard, I use the words "babe or baby...sweetie...honey" when talking to people close to me. It's a term of endearment that is somehow a softer or more caring way of saying their name.

So very obviously, my kids hear it a LOT. We are a family of "I love you" being said and meant numerous times a day. At any given time, if Ben walks in the room, the first thing out of his mouth is often, "Hey mom. I love you" and he just keeps walking. Or stops for a hug. Regardless, he's not shy about saying it because he's heard it so often.

Try it. You may discover just how much you enjoy letting people know they are loved. And you might start hearing in return just how much YOU are loved. And one day, you may realize just how important it was you said it.

Always remember and never forget: Love is just a word, until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

THE LEAST YOU COULD'VE DONE IS WARNED ME, ALICE!

Unprepared.

It's the only word I can come up with to explain this year's holiday season.

I've kind of been nonchalantly skating through the past couple months of my life with everything going on. The loss of sweet Duke, my dad getting hit by a car, uprooting (again) my kids and moving to a much smaller place to live...an apartment, other pending items... . It's funny what stress does to you.

Here's another word: Denial.

Then the weather got cold, gray and wet. I got some freak stomach bug and on top of it...for several reasons, felt very alone for the first time in a long time. No matter what I did to try and shake it, all the other factors kept it alive.

Until today.

The sun is out and most importantly...I got back on my normal day-to-day schedule. I can't emphasize that enough in my life. People...I require a schedule (which is where Ben gets it!). I require some sort of organization. I got to (that's right...GOT to) go back to the office today. I work for a great organization and equally amazing people.

There are a couple guys in the office who thinks it's particularly funny to walk up behind me at my desk (since my back is to the entrance of my cubicle) and scare me. Grab the back of my chair or even quickly pull it backward to make me feel like I'm falling. Or just slam into the side of my cubicle and make a loud noise. I scare very easily. Always have. My feet go tingly and everything.

So today when I got back from lunch, I walked up on them surprising me by turning my desk (which requires totally disassembling it from the cubicle wall) so I no longer back to the entrance. LOVE THEM!!!!!! I think I said "Thank you" 27 times. Hey, big thing for them to do since they are the ones who get such a kick out of scaring me. Of course, I know this won't deter them from continuing to do it. At least it presents more of a challenge for them (probably not...they probably just got tired of it being so easy and wanted to add to the degree of difficulty).

So I'm sitting here on the terrace, enjoying this weather (after having just watched a big honkin' bobcat scale the 6' fence surrounding the apartment complex!), being ever so thankful to be coming out of the first holiday funk I've ever had in my entire life and hoping I never, ever see that side of me again. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I've never had these emotions and frankly, hope I never do again (as do my friends, I'm sure!). Did I mention I was sorry?! :-)

I'm reminded of what Ang said a few days ago about how I'm going to have good days and bad days and not to be so hard on myself. Allow it to happen. And I'd imagine anyone who has gone through the various things I've been going through would say the same thing. Perfection can't be expected. There is no rule book. You do the best you can and hope people understand. Especially those who have been through similar experiences. When I figure out how it's done, I'm sure I'll be in the position to make millions! (i.e....that will never happen!). Trial and error.

Whew...for now, I'm just thankful it's over, I've come through the rabbit hole and out the other side. Taking it slow and easy now...

THANK YOU FOOD NETWORK

Shelby: I know you're sick mommy. You stay there. I'll make dinner.

Me: What are you going to make?

Shelby: It's okay. I've been watching Food Network a lot. I've got it covered.

Me: Okay. So what are you going to make?

Shelby: Hmmmmm...I'm not sure. Let me check what we have.


So I sit there wondering if I should let her try this since she wants to help. Or just make something because it's not like I'm too sick to make dinner for goodness sake. I hear her whistling in the kitchen and decide to see what happens and let her have a chance to be proud of herself.

The result was hot dogs for her and her big brother, not to mention a very proud and happy 7 year old 'big' girl.