FINDING THE DEEP IN THE STEEP

I went and looked at the place me and the kids will be calling 'home' in two short weeks. And all the feelings of 'how did it come to this' rushed back.

I haven't written in a week, even though I tried to hold myself accountable last Sunday night by saying I would 'write more' tomorrow. I didn't.

So I went and looked back at what I was going to write about. All the scribble on my church bulletin. It was full of everything I need to keep reminding myself of, especially when I get overwhelmed with the emotion I felt today. Especially then.

When I first got to to church, I let a friend know I was there and she replied, "God's going to tell you something today. Be ready!". And she was right. He hit me smack in the face with it. I looked in the bulletin and the name of the sermon was "First Things First: Life is Too Steep".

He started off by talking about times in our lives that are like mountains. Times we think we can never overcome. Times that pretty much just scare us into submission. He said mountains can be both breathtaking and breath-taking. No doubt. It all depends on your perspective.

Can we overcome these mountains? Of course. But it has to do with how prepared we are and the precautions we take. And again...our perspective. The steep has us missing out on all the deep. I may not be able to see all that deep right now, but it's there.

I'm definitely not at my best when my worries smother my focus. There are no quick fixes in life. It's one step at a time. That's the only way to get over the mountain.

So while I walked in church that morning and felt very alone, near the end of the service I looked around. There were people...friends...I knew all around me. Not necessarily 'close' friends, but people I knew. I wasn't alone. Just as with many things in my life right now, a new kind of 'together'. More importantly, the kids were thrilled to be back. Even auditioned later on that day for roles in the upcoming Christmas Pageant (and both got roles).

I have got to keep reminding myself that while I'm down-sizing my kids home, I'm doing it from a very loving place. It keeps us where we need to be for now. It's temporary. It's walls, a ceiling, floors and it's safe. And even though it's very small, it will be full of love and one day when we move on, it will be full of memories.

And I'll look back at that particular mountain and say, "Yeah...I did that. I made it to the other side."

THANK YOU...YOU

Thank you to the friend who sent this to me. It touched my heart!

Feelings

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived:
Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink so all repaired their boats and left.
Love was the only one who stayed -- Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost sinking,
Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat.
Love said,"Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!".
"I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you."
It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name.
When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.
Love realized how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge (another elder):
"Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

WEEKEND QUOTABLE NOTABLES

What a weekend. Lots in my head (and actually on paper because yes people, I DO write on my church bulletins) , but so incredibly tired so this is my way of holding myself accountable of doing it tomorrow.

Quotes from the weekend:

"Yessss! The tornado sirens are going off! That means our game will be cancelled. Oh. Wait...the tornado sirens are going off...that can't be good."

"Is it really necessary for us to go to sleep or is it more of a request of yours?"

"I don't get why you don't like the Fred movie, Miss Terri. It's helarious."

"I always feel so at home and comfortable over here at your house."

"Can I come home with you guys...and stay the rest of the week?"

"Mom...seriously, I had NO idea I was that good at laser tag. I literally got everyone. Poor kids."

When getting ready to audition for the church Christmas pageant:

Belle: "I'm gonna go for Mary or an Angel."

Ben: "Well I'm gonna go for Jesus or God. Whichever is available."

Me: "Whaaaaaaa? Ummmm...Jesus was a newborn ON HIS BIRTHDAY. And God doesn't have speaking parts."

Ben: "What can I say? I'm embarrassed. I knew all that. I was just going for it...".

And finally, from Pastor Tom:

"You know what they say...
If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing.
If you want to be happy for a week, take a vacation.
If you want to be happy for a month, get married.
If you want to be happy for a year, win the lottery.
If you want to be happy for a lifetime, help others."

More to come...

DREAM

I had never heard this song before. Then today...three times. And for some reason, it caught my attention every single time and stopped me in my tracks.

BRINGIN' DOWN DA HOUSE!

It has been a long and exhausting week. One of the longest, actually.

So what's a girl to do? Mani-Pedi? Massage? More like...what's a MOM to do...

Take one for the team and have a double sleep-over. Yep, each kid has a friend spending the night. They asked awhile back if they could have one before we move from this house and of course the answer was "Yes". Shelby initially had a party/sleep-over to go to tonight, but it had to be rescheduled. However, when Ben found out she was going to be away, he asked if he could have a friend over. Since the boys are so much less (let me repeat...SO.MUCH.LESS) maintenance than the girls, it sounded like a perfect idea.

I have a ton of work to catch up on. Packing to do. I could go on. It would prove to be a productive evening for moi.

Then this past week kicked my arse, her sleep-over was canceled and today's been a stay-inside-tornado-warning kinda day. But the show must go on.

And I know they are gonna have a blast! :-) This mom has a buffet of pizza, hot wings, soda (that's right...soda!) and home made cookies set up. The girls are going to sleep in a tent in Belle's room and the boys...can someone say "Nerf War"?!

Ready or not, here we go!

WE'LL CALL THIS A DAY-ENDER

LIKE A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE

My minor in college (which actually ended up being a double-major when all was said and done) was Organizational Communication. A fancy term for not just speech, but also research and speech writing. I loved it. In fact, one of the toughest classes I took was actually in this department and it was the class that dealt with research as it applies to how we gather and disseminate data to the public. Media outlets tend to take their "fact-checking" seriously, so as to avoid law suits, you see.

In this class, we also studied some of the great orators: Demosthenes, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Theresa, Winston Churchill and...my personal favorite...Martin Luther King Jr.

He had a style and charisma that drew people in. He spoke from the heart and was eloquent, yet never spoke over people. It was one of his greatest strengths. And like most great orators, he was able to put what the masses were thinking into beautiful, uncomplicated words. He wasn't trying to make people read between the lines. He wasn't trying to be deep. And through all that 'not' trying, he was genuine. He said it like it was and I like that. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I always wanted to memorize his "I Have a Dream" speech. I thought I'd try and do that someday during my lifetime and maybe I still will. It's a beautiful piece of writing and something that once I start listening to, I can't stop. Very motivating.

But his "I've Been to the Mountaintop" speech is also powerful and it's the one that popped into my head today.

There's a part in the speech when he says, "But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars."

There's something to be said about having no where to go but up. Even when the top of the mountain looks light years away, the point is...it's there. Beckoning for you. Almost daring you to make your way.

On the days you think, "Surely it can't get any worse..." and it does - these are the times we are supposed to look up for the stars. I have had a difficult time doing that lately. When your legs keep getting cut out from under you, there's always crawling. I know the stars simply HAVE to be there.  Somewhere. Don't they? Maybe hidden behind a cloud for the time being. And maybe that huge mountain is even in the way, but they're there. Make a path and dare to dream, I suppose.

Which reminds me of something else...

WHITE-KNUCKLED ON THE ROPE

In three weeks, I turn another year older.

Age, or the number I have to say aloud every now-and-then, has never bothered me. At least not until recently.

I know why. I'm extremely confident in "the why". And I hate it.

Seems I'm constantly being surprised in life and I.Don't.Like.Surprises. I like to plan. Prepare. Deal. Count on the honesty of others. Could be God's trying to tell me something. Could be some people don't care about consequences. Could be I'm over-analyzing it.

While I've never been an overly-confident person, these days I find I'm extremely tough on myself. I know I'm a good person, but I've been given reason to believe I may not be good 'enough'. And let me tell you, that is one tough blow to the ego.

Yeah, yeah. I know, "No one can make me feel bad about myself unless I allow them to." We've all read the quote. But when you are constantly being fired at, something has got to give.

So here I am. Knowing I can't continue this way. Unsure of what to do. Confident in one thing: I have to do something. Anything. Different.

Someone told me today, "Terri...sometimes you've got to be a jerk. And what I mean by that is you have got to take up for yourself and by your definition, that means you are being a 'jerk'. And while that's not the true definition, it's how you see it. It's actually setting standards for yourself, not accepting less and by doing so, you will feel better about yourself." Easier said than done for me. Though I'm starting to see reason to turn.

I've learned people can be mean. Cruel, in fact. Very cruel. If by losing my confidence I have learned anything, it's I will never be a cruel person. I am caring. Forgiving...sometimes to a fault. And sometimes...very stupid because of the two aforementioned characteristics. It's a rare occasion I put myself in front of others.

I am at the scariest part of my life right now. Everyone I know has their 'someone' to turn to and say, "What do you think I should do?" and I don't have that right now. And maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I need to just rely on me.

See? Scary.

OH HAPPY DAY

The "cutest" darn cow ever!

I can't say she didn't predict it.

I WILL win something.

As we drove up to the State Fair on Sunday, we saw someone walking away with an insanely large stuffed animal they won on the Midway...and that's where it began.

We dutifully explained to her how the games on the Midway were fixed. They are designed to take your money. All of it. The games look so easy and always have some trick to them designed to make it impossible for you to win.

"I don't care. I want that money pillow." she kept saying.

"I don't want to play. It's a racket. I'll do the bumper cars though!" added Ben.

Boys and bumper cars. It never gets old.

After Ben's bumper cars we continued through the Midway. We saw the tacky looking money pillow on our way in. Of all the "cute" stuffed animals you could win, this had to be the...well...tackiest.

"I want it." she kept saying.

Ughhhh.

After walking through the entire Midway to see something else she may want to win, it all came full-circle (imagine that) back to the *($%#*# money pillow game.

"There it is! Let's go!"

She sat down behind her water gun (that supposedly blows up a balloon 'til it pops). She lost.

"One more time?" she pleaded.

"Okay. But that's all the money left on the card. It's your last chance."

The lady behind the counter beckoning everyone to play hears me explaining to Shelby again how it's designed to take her money and not to be too disappointed if she doesn't win. The lady looks at Belle. Belle smiles at her really big. The lady looks away to walk off...then I see it.

She switched some switch under Belle's balloon.

I immediately tell D. You know...just to document what I saw in case it's true.

The bell goes off. They start shooting. Belle has yet to hit the target and the balloon keeps expanding 'til ... BOOM!


Sooooooo serious.

She drops her gun. Looks at me and points and says, "Told ya'..." then tells the lady behind the counter what she wants.


Look how proud her big brother is...

You have to approach the State Fair like you do Vegas. Go there expecting to spend a specific amount of money and come away with nothing more than a stomach ache. And sometimes a tacky money pillow.

They had fun and I always enjoy watching them experience things either for the first time or through their eyes.

Gotta love the exit of the Fun House!

Wanting to run on the field at the Cotton Bowl.

So the love may be a little one-sided right now.

Love. Love. Love 'em!

Thank you State Fair for a fun day plenty of memories.

Except for the money pillow...ughhhh. Although I will definitely remember it.

SWAYING

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind.

They understand the power of letting go.

Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break.

They Had Me at Hello

Belle has been a cheerleader for a city league football team (players are from both her school and another nearby school) for three years now. She loves it (except when it's hot outside).

The first year she cheered, the coaches approaches the cheer moms about Homecoming.

I'm sorry...what?

Yes. Homecoming.

Why do they do it? I have no idea. No one has left home and come back. They all still live at home, thank you very much. But being they didn't ask us, we went with it.

The boys gave the girls these cute little mums and the girls pretty much all asked, "Do I have to wear this? It's in the way."

As the years have gone by, we all still go with it but this year was different.

The moms (and I give this credit to them, though I guess in all fairness the dads could have hatched this idea) had the boys hand-deliver the mums to the girls' homes this year. And let me tell ya...this was well-rehearsed.

They were obviously told to be gracious (as were the girls). Told to say "Thank you for cheering for us" (as the girls were instructed to say "Thank you" for the flowers and "Good luck this weekend"). They didn't argue about getting their pictures made together to capture the event. All-in-all...it was sweet.

The parents have successfully made this "Homecoming" into more of an occasion to say "Thank you" and practice being little gentlemen and ladies (who can argue with that?).

In all honesty, the kids really don't have any idea of what Homecoming means, so why not make it into something we can all appreciate? Gratitude. Manners. Memories. Grace.

Now THAT'S an elementary Homecoming I can get on board with.

And Shelby? G-I-D-D-Y to have three cute boys show up at her door, excitedly ask for her, tell her she's doing a great job at the games and they appreciate her, then willingly pose for a picture.

Well done, football parents. Well done.

Very happy little girl. Too sweet indeed.
Good job, guys.

 

Mega, Doozy, Whopper, Gigantic...Get It?

Tonight I had a grand epiphany.

That's right. Not just a regular epiphany. BIG. HUGE.

As I KNOW I've mentioned, I have always been the type who has to be hit over the head before I "get it".

Tonight it happened. And regarding a major part of my life.

Ben got up after bed time. Though they both went to bed early tonight for repeatedly getting up last night. So when he got up, I thought, "this better be good."

He told me sometimes when he's awake, he's worrying about me. He said he wants to take care of me and is worried something will happen to me. "What would I do if something happened to you? I want to take care of you and I'm not always around."

Yes...very sweet. He has always (always) been a sensitive soul. But he's also just trying to stay awake.

However, I took the opportunity to address the re-occurring topic of him wanting to be "the man".

I reminded him again of how the best way for him to take care of things is to listen to me. To trust me. And when I say I need for him to be a 10 year old boy, having fun, playing, studying...just being...I need him to trust me on that. It is very much Ben's nature to be a nurturer. It's just part of who he is. But I need him to be my 10 year old son. That's it. I told him it was my job to do the worrying, if and when it needs to be done. It's my job to be the one who thinks about that. Not his. He needs to become okay with that. He needs to turn that worry and responsibility over to me. It's part of being a mom. And I'm blessed with it and so okay with it. More than that...it's part of why I became a mom. I want it and one day he will too. And when he's a dad, he will want his kids to be as carefree as possible.

He said, "You're right. I will. And I do trust you and love you so much. I'm sorry mom."

That's when it happened.

The voice in my head. Loud-and-clear.

"He gets it. Why don't you?"

I'm sorry...what?

"That's right. He gets where the authority is. When are you going to stop trying so desperately to either control events you have no control over or stress over if they will happen or not? That's MY job, not yours. You are being equally stubborn and neglectful of who is in charge here."

"You are my child, but you won't trust me with the control. I cherish the role, as you do with Ben, but you won't let me do my job."

I gave someone similar advice a long time ago. I remember everything about it. The room we were in. Where we were standing. What we were looking at. I told them, "Why are you worrying about something that may never happen? You'll have enough to worry about if it does. Until then, you're wasting time and energy."

I don't really know if the advice was taken, but even today...it's sound.

It took my 10 year old to get it through to my very, thick skull. As usual...he's teaching me about life. As is his little sister. And I'm not so arrogant to know that, in fact, I DON'T know everything and still have a lot to learn.

I'm so incredibly blessed. It is well with my soul.

Probably Not in the Dictionary

Last night, the kid's Nana took them to dinner. Which means a drive-thru, fast-food place and...Toys 'R' Us (because, you know, the mall close early on Sunday).

Ben comes home with Lego stuff (big shocker) and Belle? A make-up carrier (which broke within 30 minutes, but that's not the point). She absolutely loved what Nana got her.

She quickly asks for any make up I might have that I'm not using. "I need some, Momma. Now."

Bossy britches.

So I go look (after reminding her how to ask politely) and give her a few things. To her calamity...no mascara.

She puts on some eye shadow. Lipstick. Blush. Then it goes a little something like this:

Belle: So...whadaya think?

Me: Wow...that's some makeup. Probably don't want to use that much though. You're much too beautiful without it. I know you're just playing with it and it's fun. You just don't want to look like a hoochie-mama.

Belle: What's a hoochie-mama again?

Me: A woman who wears too much makeup and not enough clothes. And sometimes just not enough clothes. They're trying to get attention.

Belle: Ohhhhhhh...yeah. Probably wouldn't be pretty.

Ben: Isn't your friend SJ going as a hoochie-mama for Halloween?

Belle: Mmmmm...yeah. I think so. But she's not calling it a hoochie-mama.

Ben: What's she calling it then?

Belle: Just a girl who wears a lot of make-up and not much clothes. I'll let her know what it's called.

Me: Ohhhhhh...you don't need to do that. Everyone has their own name. That's just my name for it. It's not official.

Ben: Sounds like a hoochie-mama to me. I don't like those. <insert prayer here that this is always the case>

Belle: Whatever. I'm gonna be a vampire. But not a hoochie-mama vampire.

Me: Thank goodness. I can't even imagine what that would look like. You probably wouldn't be allowed to go outside in that costume.

Belle: Yeah........


Footnote: Hoochie Mama is in the Urban Dictionary! The last line says: And could get you beat down if you call a woman that. Good to know.

I Can Always Count on Them

I think I've mentioned before that every night when tucking the kids in, I ask them their favorite part of the day. Sometimes the answers are sweet and make my heart melt. They reflect on memories I hope they will always cherish.

And sometimes, like tonight....

Belle: Picking out my pumpkin.

Ben: Eating that donut.


Thanks, Ben. You had no idea...but I really needed a good laugh tonight!

From What to Whatever

I had been looking forward to last night for awhile. Being that I don't get out much these days, a night out with KH, who *always* makes me laugh, was needed. The fact it was going to be free 4th row tickets at Sugarland was even better.

But it was not in the cards.

The night started off good enough. Dinner with the Baileys (from here-on-out known as my angels) at Hacienda on Henderson. Then joined by KH and MB. Great atmosphere, great weather, great friends. All things "great".

Until.....

We get near Fair Park. Where not only is Sugarland in concert but the State Fair is going on (which we knew), but Shrek the Musical is on stage and apparently, they start letting tailgaters for the next day's Texas Tech/Baylor game park. OVERNIGHT.

To top things off...since traffic is at a stand-still and people are trying to get in touch with each other and find out where to park...cell service goes down.

The Bailey's park in the front yard of some of the locals. We get up to that point and of course...no more room. Cops are signaling everyone to keep going forward. Every time we ask where to go we get the same answer, "Next gate right around the corner" until we've successfully circled Fair Park. That's right people...no parking. (Equally frustrating since has been everyone offering their two cents on where we 'should' have tried parking -you know, cuz we didn't try everything we could - and asking, 'Are you sure there wasn't any more parking?'. No...I'm sure I wanted to miss out on the closest I would have ever sat at a concert. And for a band I love. Yeah...I'm a little sure.)

After barely making it to the downtown Sheraton where MMS and I run (literally) in to 'relieve ourselves' since we've been stuck in a parking lot full of traffic for an hour and a half, we then head to the Iron Cactus.

Things thankfully turned around. We all came to terms with missing the concert (though I woke up ticked-off again...imagine that) and managed to have fun. Learn some new things. Meet some new people. Enjoy a new view. Yep...a lot of 'new'.

So while all the chaos was going on, I thought to myself, Of course...this is my luck. This is my life. I ended up looking back on it thinking, It could have been wayyyyy worse and I'm thankful for a night out with friends and meeting new people.
Seems to be the theme of my life these days and fate seems to keep pushing me toward 'new', whether I'm ready or not.

But please...please...do not ask me if I'm positive we searched for all the parking or that you just can't believe there wasn't a side lot we missed. Believe me. WE DIDN'T. Grrrrrrrr...

Another Example

This was in Ben's binder when he got home from school today:

This made his (and my!) day. Something as 'simple' as this rocks my world in the best way possible and makes me so proud.

Spotlight, Inventory and a Purse

Something I really hope to instill in my kids is simplicity.

For instance, just because your friends all have something (whatever it might be) does NOT mean it is necessary for you to have it. Also, just because you WANT something, doesn't mean you will get it.

This past week I was reminded of how simple I actually do prefer things and how the little things can absolutely make my day. I was also reminded that not everyone thinks this way and may tend to look at me with a rather pathetic response while I babble on about said simple thing as if, "You need to get out more, Terri.". That's okay. In all honesty, I quite enjoy it. I know how my life is under the microscope right now by certain people and I also know - thankfully - soon it won't be. Then what will they have to do? Yep...move on to the next.

Because I'm about to be a whole-lotta-simple.

Purging through decades of things to cram into a much, much smaller space has left me scratching my head. I'm obviously not going to be able to keep some things I'd like to keep. That's life. Just 'cuz I want it...you see where I'm going. Gonna have to teach by example here. Taking inventory of my life has expanded from the cerebral to the literal. "Will I really miss this? Will the kids want it when they're older? Do I want to risk becoming a hoarder?"

And some of the things I do have aren't in the best of shape or aren't the right size for the rooms they are getting ready to move to, so I have to get creative. Luckily for me and the two miniature people and dog who live with me, this is my strong-suit. Creativity. I've got that on my side.

And then, amidst all the confusion and tiny thing makes my day.

I bought a new purse this weekend.

It's not a name brand. I don't like having things I'm likely to see on thousands of people any given day. Again...creative. Unique. SIMPLE.

The best part? Got it on sale for $15.

Yep. Sometimes little things show up when you least expect them and give you a ray of sunshine.

And other times it's two rambunctious little terrors who seem to get their activity level knob turned up all the way to high at bedtime. Actually...that part doesn't so much make my day. :-)

Always remember and never forget: You have to 'Be' before you can 'Do' and 'Do' before you can 'Have'.

Also...mind your own business. If you aren't, I guarantee someone else is.