FILLING UP MY SPRAY BOTTLE

I've often told people my blog is a form of therapy for me. And it is.

Today it really is. If I don't actually type this out, I'm going to blurt it out. Very inappropriately. Hurt people's feelers. Everything I don't want to do, but since I'm beyond fed up with this particular area of life...it's gotta come out.

Boundaries Part 1: Language

This boundary thing in general has been a major struggle in my past. And, truth be told, I'm still working on it. I'm sure we are all, given the fact we aren't perfect.

But people stepping over boundaries I'm working hard at putting in place are driving me bananas.

There's been a new batch of moms and their kids who have moved in our apartment complex (God, please make it where I can get out of here sooner rather than later) and let's just say, we don't have a lot in common.

What used to be a fun time at the pool with the kids, has turned into a booze-fest and 'let's see who can use the most foul language very loudly' time. Ladies (and I use that term loosely in this regard) your trashy language makes you look trashy. There's no two-ways about it. There's no gray area. And I'm not alone in this.

Several people, both men and women...young and older...even kids, just looked at these women like, Do you actually think it makes you sound funny? Or younger? Or classy? No...definitely not classy. It sure doesn't make you sound smart. Or cute. And definitely NOT funny.

Yes, kids were around, but even if they weren't. Grow up. There's just no excuse. Saying, "It's just the way I talk" or "It's just who I am" doesn't make it any better.

And don't get me wrong...I use my share of x-rated language. But NOT in public and NOT around kids. On the phone with a friend? Yes. At home when I stub my toe? Absolutely.

As Dr. Nancy says, "Women (and men) at that age who use that language, especially in public, or use words/phrases that are simply inappropriate are lacking in intelligence and maturity. No matter how many degrees they may possess or what they may have received on their SAT, it's a sign of what's to come and a red-flag-warning as to their extreme lack of boundaries." Dr. Nancy's advice: That behavior isn't changing anytime soon...move on. It's a sign of a bigger issue as an adult.

Unfortunately, I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my kids away from these types of people. I know part of it is just something they will have to deal with. I mean, you can't completely control their environment (nor do I even want to) and being exposed to negatives offers lessons.

And no this isn't because I'm getting older. This boundary extends beyond ages. It has more to do with character. (And some people's lack thereof.)

So can we pass a law to just carry a spray bottle with us and squirt them square in the face when they start this? Kind of like when a dog barks. ::::squirt squirt squirt:::: SHUT IT!

I guess I feel a little better.

Boundaries Part 2: Relationships, is coming up next.

You know...because I'm an all-out EXPERT on this topic. HA!

So much for therapy. I guess today was more of a soapbox.

OH NO HE DI'INT

I've always prided myself on being a low-maintenance woman.

My wardrobe generally comes from Target, not Macy's or some boutique. Manicures lose out every time to field trip funds. My tan comes by virtue of finding time by the apartment pool or my Neutrogena spray tan in a bottle.

So today when a man called me 'high maintenance', I almost spit my drink all over him.

Excuse me? What did you say?

   You are, Terri. You're high maintenance.

Are you kidding me? I mean, you've got to be joking right now. You are joking, right?

   No, I'm not. From everything you've just said - High Maintenance. And he just laughed as if he had just told me the sun rises every day in the east and sets every day in the west and how could I not know this obvious information.


Let's backtrack, shall we?

We were having lunch, talking about what I expect from a man. From a partner. Actually the word I used was a "gentleman".

I stated that I have raised the bar in certain areas of my life. The way the person I'm in a relationship with treats me and the way I treat them was one of them. Why start off low THEN raise the bar and expect the person to do or say things they never did in the past when you first started out. I mean, where's this coming from? You were okay with it for the first six months!

Case in point: Opening the door for a woman. I think (now) that it is simply the right thing to do. It's being a gentleman.

I got met with, "Yeah sure, if it's a special date night, but if not...why can't you just open the door by yourself?"

That's not the point. The point is I appreciate being treated that way. Like, 'Here...you go first.'

    And that's where you become high maintenance.

How? How is that high maintenance?! I'm NOT high maintenance. You're just wrong. I don't expect everything to be done for me.

    Again that's it...high maintenance. You just said earlier you can get your own oil changed in your car, etc (yes, yes I had named several things earlier in the conversation I can do all-by-myself)  ...so how does that equal out? I mean how is a man supposed to know where one line ends and another begins as far as your independence? Should I do this? Will it offend her or does she in fact expect me to do it?  (And here's where the big, giant, stadium-sized light in my head illuminated with the intensity of a thousand suns). Terri...it's not the big things, or the obvious things that make you high maintenance. You're not that kind of high maintenance. It's the little things. The shades of gray.

Holy crap and crap. Could he actually be right? I can see where that would be confusing. And so I had to state the obvious.

Oooohhhh. I see where you're coming from. I never thought of it that way. But I can still drive my own damn car up to Jiffy Lube. And I still want the door opened for me.

    I'd make you open it yourself.

Then someone like you wouldn't make the cut.

    You got that right.

And I'm still not the kind of 'high maintenance' most people are talking about with that term.

    Oh my gosh.......stop.

So, yeah. I can maybe, kinda see where he MAY have been coming from on all this.



Always remember and never forget: Women are not moody. We simply have days when we are less inclined to put up with you.

LUCKY, LAST MONDAY

I woke up the kids this morning not with my usual song...but with the declaration of "this is the last official Monday of school...get up people!"

Woooohoooooooooo!!!

Next Monday is Memorial Day and they don't have school, therefore...last Monday. Talk about some happy kiddos. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "Yeah...you're about to start the whole 'I'm bored!' thing, in which case I'm about to implement the whole 'If you say you're bored during the summer you have to clean something'." This has been a standing rule in our house for a couple years now.

So while summer 'vacation' is getting ready to start for them....summer 'juggling act' is about to start for me. That's fine. I've gotten creative with them before in order to keep them entertained while I work full-time. But right now, as we head out the door on their 'last Monday', all I can think of is the potential sales out there just waiting for me and how the one thing, outside of the kids, that really gets me excited is my job. You may just see it as money...I see it as rent, insurance, food, kids future, upcoming braces...you name it. Money isn't a luxury for me and hasn't been for awhile. It's my oxygen and water.

As we walk downstairs and head toward the car, I spot her. Brightly shining in the early morning sun. Just lying there. Beckoning me. Waiting for ME to pick her up.

Little Miss Heads-Up on a Monday Morning Lucky Penny.

Without counting too many chickens before they hatch, I will go ahead and say I love this little penny. And NOW momma is as happy as her two kiddos.

So far, a good 'last' Monday for all.

BEING CHICKEN SHIT SHOULD BE A SIN

In everything I do, I try to be upfront.

There's been occasions when I had to make tough choices about exactly how to go about it when it's involved my kiddos and other people's children. I've had to make those decisions based on what is best in regard to my children while definitely keeping the others kids in mind also. In that scenario, it's a tough thing to do and when it comes down to it, as parents, we are all here to look out for the well-being of our children. You simply can't make everyone happy in this case. someone will always say, You should have..." or "I would have...". Truth be told, they don't have all the facts no matter how much they think they do so it is impossible to say that.

But...when it's not concerning kids, it's a clear choice. Or at least it should be.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a position where being 'upfront' involves the possibility of hurting someone else's feelings. (Or as I like to call them 'feelers', but that would probably be insensitive in this case, so we'll go with the aforementioned word of feelings).

I watched one of my fave shows last night, Modern Family, and Phil was trying to fire his brother-in-law. Ironically, the BIL wanted to quit anyway, but the stress it brought to Phil having to do and say something that would hurt someone else made me think, "Yeah...I know that feeling."

I never EVER want to hurt someone. I actually go to lengths to avoid it. However, I've been on the receiving end of someone not being totally upfront with me before and believe me...in the long run...it hurts way worse when you try and spare the others feelings than when you just come out and say, "This is what's going on and you're worth it to me to tell you. No matter how uncomfortable it may be."

And I'll even go you one further...it's chicken shit. It is. It is the one having to deliver said 'bad news' who just doesn't want to deal with the emotions, possible negative feelings, questions...you name it. But guess what? That's part of life. Put on your big girl panties, polish your danglers, whatever...do it. And if they decide to cut you out of their life for you being honest, they weren't worth it in the first place. That being said, there's a wrong way and a right way to complete this task.

Remember, on occasion, honesty can hurt. Not to imply it's necessary to be hateful or mean, because it's not. At all. But it doesn't help matters to beat around the bush. Say what you need to say in a mature, calm, well-thought-out manner. Be prepared for questions that may arise. Emotions that may come to the surface. Accusations of why this is happening. We prepare for important business meetings, why don't we prepare to deliver news that could potentially be bad or at least surprising to someone? Shouldn't that just be a common courtesy?

It's not always the easy thing to do. But it's the right thing to do.

Sometimes I really hate being right.

Always remember and never forget: "Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it's faced." ~JBaldwin

CHAOS, TOMOATOES AND STRENGTH

Yes, you have to get up I know you are tired so am I but it's Tuesday and you have school and I have work and no I don't sleep all day when you leave and conveniently wake up in time to come get you at school dismissal even though my sleep is a valuable commodity it's only valuable to me and I don't get paid for it...I don't think that project resume I just completed will send properly to our client via email so I need to rework that...and yes Shelby I do know the feeling when you don't want to do something you have to do and I get you don't think it's fair but you have to go to school and I have to work...i forgot to make my doctor's appointment again and this pain in my side is never going to go away if I don't go see the doctor...don't forget your lunches and Ben have fun at Sandy Lake Park today sing great be safe here's five extra dollars for a snack in case you need one and for tickets in case you want to ride more rides...did I reschedule Ben's shots for 7th grade...Shelby you will go to Sandy Lake Park in sixth grade and yes I know it's not fair to you that he's going to 'play' and you have school...God please watch over Ang, Em and Girlie on their trip to NYC...guys please eat your breakfast so we aren't late you told me you wanted cereal this morning so eat it I'm having taboule when I get back home so don't complain...you look beautiful today Belle you're welcome Ben for having your choir shirt clean and hanging up and having the 'fresh-out-of-the-dryer smell'...I really think this is the lowest my bank account has been in a long time how am I going to do this...give me communication reports to sign if you didn't last night...that blue jay better get off my veranda and away from the plants...I have got to get to Callaways this week and get the citronella plants to help with that...I miss Duke, Scout, Charlotte...let's load up in the car and go after I clean up the coffee I just spilled on my shirt oh never mind it doesn't matter.....

Most mornings are just like this. Continual. Never stopping. Never slowing down. From the moment the alarm goes off, it's go-go-go around here. It can sometimes start the day off with an overwhelming feeling, but I've learned it doesn't have to.

When I get home from dropping them off at school, I make it a point to sit down for about 30-45 minutes and catch up on my news with a fast-forward through the DVR portion of Good Morning America, have my coffee, sit on the veranda and read what God has planned for my day in my morning devotional.

Today He told me I was weak. That's right. As strong as I've been leading myself to believe I am, He just told me I'm weak. And He's right.

"I am a mighty God. Nothing is too difficult for me...Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power...I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength."

I looked up from reading and instead of doing what He just told me, I started thinking about the obstacles I needed to overcome today. Instead of the joys I get to experience today. Until I saw this...

Life is everywhere. Trying its best to grow. Strengthen. Bloom. Change is always tough, but worth it when it's necessary. It's little reminders that keep us trudging ahead. Storms build and eventually wreak havoc sometimes when we least expect it, but without them we wouldn't have rainbows.

Something or someone is always going to be on the sidelines waiting to take advantage of the hard work of others. Or try and sell it as their own, knowing full-well they had nothing to do with the labor it took to nurture and grow the fruit. And so we tell ourselves it doesn't matter. At least the fruit is there. It's beautiful and we have reason to be proud of the success. WE know who gave the blood, sweat and tears and that's all that matters. Or does it?

For the past week, a beautiful blue jay has been sitting in that ever-so-peaceful Eastern Redbud tree that overlooks my veranda...eyeing my tomato and strawberry plants...but I see an invader. Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, your sound is appealing. Yes, you look to be harmless. But beware. I will protect what I've worked hard to grow with a vengeance, if I have to. Distance is necessary for you and you should think twice about coming any closer. I've just about had enough of your nonsense.

I too look nice. I too can sound sweet. I may look too busy to be noticing what's going on right under my nose, but I'm done with working hard and having it being taken advantage of. Comprende' Mr. Blue?

You may think I'm weak...and I may be by some standards...but I know Someone Strong. And He is watching you, too. And just as I protect mine...He protects me. And I have a feeling He's just about had enough, as well.

Good observation. I'm not just talking about the blue jay.

Always remember and never forget: "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." James 4:17

HAPPY 9TH BIRTHDAY, BELLE

Thank you God for this miracle.
And for letting her be okay with not being a 'girly-girl'!

Nine years ago today, I was immensely blessed with the most beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed baby girl. And as I probably write every year, she was just the best baby. Poor girl had reflux like nobody's business. She could seriously hit a target with her projectile throwing-up from 30 paces. Then, like the true champ she is, would grin ear-to-ear.

She still has that get-up-and-go spirit about her. Truth be told, I was so nervous about having a girl. I've always been a sort-of tomboy, at least not a girly-girl, and wasn't sure how I was going to raise a little girl. Especially when I saw her. She was gorgeous and I thought, "What am I gonna do with THIS?!"

Fast-forward nine years to yesterday. It was Mother's Day and the card she made me said a lot about the kind of person she is becoming. While her words were meant for me, I was so proud of what she said for her. And while it did let me know I must not be doing too bad as a mom of a little girl, most importantly it told me about her compassionate heart, her will to succeed and her loving spirit. (I especially love the way she ended it...shows me she's got some of me in her for sure!).


Dear Mom,

I just want to tell you Happy Mother's Day. I love you so much and here are some reasons why:

You make dinner for me.
You will always believe in me, no matter what.
You help me feel safe at night.
You're always there when I need you.
You will do anything for me.
You encourage me to do new things.
You say to me, "When you fall off a horse, get back on!"
You love me in every way.
You are very nice when I've had a bad day.
You are always there to pick me up.
And you are my mom so you better be proud!
Together forever.

I love you, Shelby.


I love you more every single day, my sweet, strong and a little-bit-sassy girl. I wouldn't change a thing about you except to have you see more of the amazing things in you that I see. Don't ever doubt yourself and don't ever lower the bar you've set very high.

So, my Shelby-Belle, I just want YOU to know...Happy 9th Birthday. I hope it's your happiest year yet and every year hereafter just gets better and better. I'm proud to be your momma (and love that you still call me that about 100 times a day!).

I love you more (yes I do...yes I do...yes I do),
Momma

I'VE LEARNED AND I KEEP LEARNING...

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

ARMS ARE GETTIN' TIRED, SO I'M LETTIN' GO

I'm going to say something "we women" never really like to admit.

We like to be taken care of.

Let me elaborate.

We don't want everything done for us. We don't expect to be treated as someone incapable of doing things. But sometimes...just sometimes, we like to be treated like something more amazing than we actually are. A queen. A rock star. The only person in the world. Here's the kicker...all without having to be told to do so. Surprise us. Make the plans. Plan an escape. (And please...please...do not use the lame excuse of, "If I planned something you may not like it so it's just easier to ask you..." Pfffffffft! Note the word "easy".)

It's something I have definitely had a tough time admitting. Whenever asked in the past by a man, "You need some help?" the answer was always an instinctive, "No...I got it." And you know why? Because I didn't feel like they should even have to ask. Just do it! Did I just get back from the grocery store and have a truck-load of groceries? Yes...help me. Of course.

I'm cooking dinner, helping kids with homework, phone is ringing..."Can I do anything?"...Really? Is that a legitimate question? Of course you help!

But I guess that's where assuming gets you. Life isn't a game, so we shouldn't assume the other person knows what we need or want. There are no pre-printed rules. No step-by-step guide.

So let me now be clear. Sometimes I need help. I can do plenty of things by myself, but if you are a man...go the step further and be a gentleman. I don't give a rats ass if you were raised that way or not. Step beyond your little solar system world rotating around your head and wake up.

All of this stems from a simple task yesterday.

I called Ben down, as I always do, when I pulled in with groceries yesterday and as soon as he got down there he asked, "Why doesn't Shelby have to help?" He was playing a video game and didn't want to stop what he was doing.

My answer, "Because you and I can get this in one trip and because I asked you to do it. Ben...this is part of not just being a good person, but also being a gentleman. And you need to get into the HABIT of being one. If you see someone who needs help with something, drop what you are doing and help. You can go right back to doing whatever it was, but it's more important to help someone. You never know what just the smallest amount of effort can mean to someone else."

"Yes ma'am, mom. You're right. Thanks ... because I do want to be that kind of man. I mean I will be." then smiles really big, proud and stands up tall next to me to remind me once again he's close to surpassing me in height. Not far at all.

He's such an amazing young man. He went on to actually apologize for a word he used the other day (won't get into it...another time, another post,but no it wasn't a 'cuss' word...just not a politically correct one that he'd heard another adult use so he thought it was okay) and how he basically said he thinks it's the little things that say a lot about a person. "I can't believe I even said it! I knew it would hurt someone's feelings. I'm glad I said it in front of you first, mom."

I couldn't agree more, Ben.

So I'll quit pretending I don't need help and you start taking the reigns on certain things. As much fun as the monkey bars are, sometimes you just have to let go and drop in order to move on.