YOU'LL ONLY HARVEST WHAT YOU PLANT

Start living your life
On the double ... leave your troubles behind.
You and me, we're gonna be alright.

Starting over can be one of the most confusing, stressful, lonely and if you really try...productive times of your life. Like it or not, you now have the 'opportunity' to set a new path. Blaze a new trail. Do whatever it is that is calling you. But it takes effort. A crazy, insane amount of effort.

In my case, it doesn't just affect me, it affects two wonderful kids. So, the opportunities are scaled back somewhat (in other words, I'm not quitting my job and moving to the beach to tend bar or wax surfboards).

But options are out there, nonetheless.

I have received a lot of questions over the past two years concerning my 'upbeat' attitude regarding my new start. It wasn't what I wanted, but it happened. I suppose the realist in me saw two choices: sink or swim. Don't confuse my attitude on the outside with the reality of my circumstances.

It's not because life is easy. Or because I have a new sense of freedom. Or because I get to load the dishwasher the exact way I want and use whatever fabric softener fits my aromatherapy fix that week.

I'm who I am because I choose to be. It's a daily effort. Sometimes even hourly. I consciously surround myself with people who set the bar high as far as expectations, morals and the way they treat people. My 'what-is-that-supposed-to-mean' wall has come down somewhat, though I don't know if it will ever be completely gone. Of course it will never be completely gone. But I've had patient people in my life help me slowly chip away at it.

I choose to be with people who put others first, not things. I'm interested in the way someone treats me, not what they can do for me or if they can take care of me. I've learned to take care of myself. I've learned to take care of two kids as a single mom. I'm stronger than I thought I was, even though I always thought I was fairly strong. I still haven't mastered how to decompress, but I'm working on it. That one usually involves help from a certain someone saying, "You need to quit trying to do everything," and I'm starting to listen. Kind of.

I'm not perfect. Far from it.

This past weekend I got a reminder of what's important. Family...including those we choose to be our family.

Saturday was spent at Ben's first flag football game. CPJ and his two kids even came to watch. They have to be two of the most gracious people I've ever met. Patient, kind, well-mannered and hilarious to be around. That night we all went to eat and afterward, back to CPJs house to watch some home movies he recently found of his kids when they were little. His ex-wife, the kiddos mom, was diligent about recording their days. Not just their birthdays and holidays, but playing in the backyard, eating in the high chair and throwing the frisbee.

We laughed for hours until it was finally time to go. And I found myself setting a mental reminder that I need to record my kids more and not just take pictures. Hearing their sweet voices when they are young will be a treasure later on.

Sunday evening was spent with my chosen sister, Angela, and a group of her friends. Most of whom I've never met. There was an instant comfort with all of them. They were sweet. Prayed before dinner. Funny and I can honestly say about every one of them...beautiful souls.

Angela has been there for me to hold my head as I cried during my very lowest moments in life and has been there to laugh with me until we almost wet our pants. She knows me better than most. She's fiercely protective over me, as I am her. I'm fairly certain she prays for me more than I do for myself. She wants me to be happy, as I want the same for her. All this and I rarely even get to see her. But she's there and I'm here.

I bounced texts back-and-forth with Kim. We encourage each other, as we are in very similar boats. We've agreed we need to purchase lottery tickets each week and will split the proceeds when we win. I don't think either of us has found time to actually purchase said tickets, by the way. She plots revenge on people who cross me and I do the same for her. We remind the other one that they're awesome, beautiful, strong and smart. Because we often get beat down stressing about our outstanding commitments to the point we forget. We help each other with business and support each other with the conundrum details that make up our personal lives.

If you cross me, you will have these two women to deal with. They are both my private investigators in this very small world we live in and the bouncers at the front door of my life. Likewise, I'll hunt you down for hurting them. Just sayin... .

So this weekend was a good weekend. I was surrounded by people who want nothing more from me than what I want from them. Unconditional love. Friendship. Loyalty. Honesty. Things that are so simple.

Things so many consider an option in life.

The stress that has come my way in the last couple years, mainly due to financial issues, may not go away any time soon. But I try to look ahead to the end of my life and know I won't be thinking about how much money I did or didn't have in my bank account. I'll remember the people who I loved and who showed me and my kids love.

And at that point, I know I'll be grateful for choosing to be with people because of what is in their hearts versus their bank accounts or words.

Always remember and never forget: How you live your life determines the kind of life you will live.

SOMETIMES YA GOTTA MAKE A MESS TO SETTLE A STORM

Kids building forts out of blankets, chairs, whatever they can find. It's kind of a rite of passage, isn't it? What kid hasn't done this? I know I used to do it all the time.

It has to be one of Shelby's favorite things. Mainly, I think, because it also requires some degree of decorating and designing and she's all about that.

So last night when she started getting nervous about the first Spring storm of the season that rolled in, I knew we better come up with something fast.

"Mom! Look at that! Is there a tornado in it? Again?! I don't want another tornado...".

"No. No tornado tonight, baby. Just enjoy the smell of the rain."

But she wasn't buying it too quickly with all the alerts coming on the television. We brought in the cushions from the terrace so the 70+ mph winds wouldn't hijack them and that's pretty much all it took.

:::ding ding ding::: went the bell in her head. This looks like the makings of a fort. And indeed it was.

Coolest fort ever, by the way. Because, you know, it had a hallway, secret hiding spot and even a window. Hello?! Momma does it right!

So instead of anxiety and questions about the weather. I got to hear, "This is awesome! Get in here!" You don't have to tell me twice....move over!

As we cleaned up, she was feeling better about the weather and remembered what I'd said earlier about how animals can sense when bad weather is approaching. She runs to check on Bubba.

Yeah, so...I think we're safe.

JUST BREATHE, BABY

It's a typical Thursday morning. I slowly awake to my alarm. Thankful I made time to set the coffee maker for auto-brew the night before so crawling in the kitchen isn't as painful as it could have been. I turn on my laptop to check emails. New project leads. Anything remarkably resembling a future commission I so desperately need.

Point the remote at the television to get my Good Morning America fix and see if anything happened overnight I need to know about. It hasn't.

Then my cell phone rings. Right now the kids spend Wednesday nights with their dad and it's him on the other end of the phone telling me Ben says he doesn't feel well. Ugh. Again? This has been going on for a month. What is the deal? This has been the worst sinus infection in the history of sinus infections.

"Tell him to at least try going to school and I bet he feels better once he gets there," I advise.

"I told him that, too. I'll load 'em up and take 'em," he tells me.

I continue on with my repetitive morning. Once again thankful I'm able to work from home as I get dressed hoping to get in a much-needed early jog versus having to put on a suit for an office job.

At 8:00 my phone rings. Caller ID tells me it's the nurse (who happens to be a friend, so it's her personal cell phone that pops up on my iPhone). Okay...that can't be good.

"Terri...you need to come get Ben. As soon as he walked in the door, the poor guy started throwing up." Oh no. Poor Ben. My 'advice' to send him earlier now resonates in my head and that horrible little pang all mothers have from time-to-time starts yelling 'bad mom!' in my ear.

I call their dad since he literally just dropped them off to see if he can go right back and get Ben so he doesn't have to wait. I'm sure he's miserable and just wants to get home.

He walks in the door. Goes straight to his room and collapses on his bed. I naively think, "Good...he can rest now. He's in his own bed and I know how much better I feel just to be in my own bed when I don't feel well."


Unfortunately, our day turned out to be anything but restful. Seems what he had wasn't just a stomach bug. If you have ever had rotavirus in your house, you know it's characteristics and also...that pungent smell that only *it* has.

My mind flashes back to the last time we had it in our house. Shelby was in pre-school and I got it within 24 hours of her having it. I missed a wonderful trip I'd been looking forward to and that time it had me in its grips for many, many days. I don't remember ever being that miserable before.  I called my doctor questioning if maybe I had something else since it was going on so long. "Nope...you just got it worse. Sometimes adults get a mild case, sometimes they get it worse." Better yet, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it but let it run its course.

I was not looking forward to the possibilities of what may lie ahead in the very near future for our small household.

When your baby is that sick, on the cold, hard floor of the bathroom not knowing what he should take care of first...as a mom, your last instinct is to stay away in order to protect yourself from getting it. What mom does that?

You very instinctively help your baby. Cold wash cloths rubbed on his back. Wash off his face. Fan him. Gently pat his back and tell him it will be over with soon. Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.

There's no worse feeling in the world for a parent when something is making your child miserable and there's nothing you can really do.

I sprayed Lysol, apologizing to him. I didn't want to seem unsympathetic to what he was going through, but wanted to cut down the chances of those horribly infectious airborne germs living in our home. I knew full-well Lysol doesn't kill rotavirus, but I was still hoping beyond reasonable hope. Please let it stop here.

I didn't sleep that night, as I wanted to keep checking on him. The thought passed through my mind of him being so exhausted from the day (I'm talking all day until almost midnight) that he could get sick in his sleep. I kept rolling him on his side. Made sure a cool, wet cloth stayed on his forehead since he, of course, developed a fever and there was no possibility of keeping ibuprofen down.

At one point he looked at me and said he knew I couldn't snuggle him because he could get me sick, but asked if I'd just put my hand on his arm. "Just so I know you're here."

"Baby...I can't snuggle you because you have a fever and if I do, you'll get even more hot. I'm not going anywhere, ever. Of course I'll keep my hand on you."

And I did.

The next day was better for him. I kept him and Shelby apart as much as you can segregate in an apartment. Then that night, around one in the morning...it hit me. Hard. Another sleepless night, but this time I was the one on the cold, hard bathroom floor.

The next morning, Ben walks in my room and discovers I'm sick. He apologizes and I assure him he has absolutely nothing to apologize for. That day, I was blessed with a sweet boy bringing me cool wash clothes and patting me on the arm as he sat by my bed (until I told him to go because I didn't want to risk him getting it *again*!). But while he was with me and as he patted my arm he said, "Don't worry mom. It will all be over with soon and I'm not going anywhere. Ever. Just try and breathe."

And I did.

While I worry that Ben's extremely sweet nature will cause him some pain in the future from others who will take advantage of it, I know none of us can avoid pain. I'm thankful he has a loving heart. He's a caretaker. A people-pleaser. And one day, he will be a great man.

As for now, he's already a great young man. And I get to call him 'mine'.

FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.

It's at the end of days like this I dread. It's been a rough day being a single mom of two kids today and tonight I have the unfortunate presence of mind to wish I could have a do-over on so many things that went on in our world today.

As parents, we aren't supposed to come unglued, right? To 'lose it'. To feel like we've been treading water for so long, every single muscle in our bodies ache knowing that this is it and just wanting to snap.
It's times like that you tag-team and call in your back-up. But when you don't have a back-up...then what?

Don't get me wrong...the good, amazing, wonderful days outweigh these kinds of days by a ton, but 'these' days...the ones you look back on and think 'I wish I would've said this' or 'Why did I raise my voice when I should have taken a deep breath?'...these days leave me sobbing silently in my room at the end of the day after putting the two most important things in the world to bed. Like tonight.

For the majority of the time, it's just us three. That means I get all the little moments that I was terrified of missing out on. I cherish these times so much it makes my heart stand at attention and beat a little harder. I get the moments when they drift off to sleep, when I get to sing them a wake-up song, pick them up from school and hear the first-report on their days events. Of course this also means I get the attitudes, the talking-back and the frustration that comes along with...let's face it...growing up in the same home with others. :) It's both beautiful and trying, even for the 'best' families.

At home we have rules. We have expectations. We now have a few more chores because you know what? Frankly, if you can help make the mess at your age, you can help clean it up. It's no Disneyland over here. Love? Yes. La-la land? Ummmm...no.

I think I'm now facing the part of single parenting I feared most...being the bad guy. I always said, "So what if they think I'm the bad guy. I'm not going to tolerate certain things and they will thank me later." And as parents, that is exactly our role...to correct them when appropriate, as well as praise them when warranted (which I admit, I'm a big 'praiser'! I just don't think you can have too much of "great job!").

But as they are getting older, the issues are getting tougher. The attitudes can be a bit stronger. And I see the play of me against their dad. Even if they aren't intentionally doing it. And while I don't want to be looked at as the one in their life who isn't the 'fun one', as I've said before, some things can't be tolerated, I also know what God expects me to do. And what *I* know is the right thing as their parent.

So when what you've done in the past no longer works...change it. The extended edition of Tough Love is moving in. And I do emphasize the 'love' part. Even though they will probably only see the 'tough' part.


So kids...while you may not like me too much in the near future for the new consequences I'm hard at work trying and come up with in order to get your attention and let you know, "because I said so" is a very appropriate answer...please remember I love you with all my heart. I will never give up on you. I will always, always be here for you. And even though it's just us three under this roof...we are a family and will be supportive, respectful and loving towards one another, as well as others. (And 'others' includes items such as iTouches, televisions, computers...things you are incredibly blessed to have and should treat them as such).

I can't promise to always be a perfect mom, but I can promise to love you more than anything, forever and ever. Amen. And I mean that. There's no amendment to that statement. We are stuck with each other and I couldn't be more happy or blessed.

I love you, Mom

HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES

My iPhone might as well of sounded like a tornado siren this morning. I was not prepared for it. After only and hour and a half of sleep, it was not a welcome tone.

Ben was up coughing all night. All night. Around 3:00 a.m. I felt his forehead for fever and it felt normal, so I still hoped a trip to school the next day was on the schedule.

Not so much.

Fever reared it's head around 7:00 a.m. at which time I delivered the bad news. To everyone.

For Ben:

"I'm sorry buddy. I know you've been looking forward to the district-wide choir performance (scheduleD, of course, for tonight), but you aren't going to be able to go."

For Me:

"I'm sorry Terri...that productive day you had planned in spite of insomnia and a sick child is going to be chopped into segments. Good luck."

And the worst for last...for Belle:

"I'm sorry Belle, but your brother is sick and won't be going to school."

Silence. Stomping to her bedroom ensues. Mumbling under her breath is heard. Then she reappears.

"How come Ben always gets to stay home sick?"

"Because he's been sick."

"That's not fair."

"Why not?"

"Because he gets to stay home sick."

:::note the words 'get' and 'sick'::: Enough said. It's 8-year-old logic, people.

My sweet Ben says, "I'm sorry you have to go to school alone Shelby. I wish I was going, too. But I hope you have a good day and I'll see you when you get home."

Really? Did he once again just bow to her totally selfish behavior? Wasn't it enough when he got HER stickers last week when HE went to the doctor? When he bought her...with his own money...some Valentine's candy CVS had marked down when HE went to Minute Clinic to get a strep test?

Neon light! Red flag! Whatever you want to call it...his kind heart is actually telling her if you treat me like crap, I'll buy you stuff. NO MORE.

And her response to his sweet farewell as she left for school, you ask?

"ehhhhhhhhhhh....whatever."

"What? Isn't there something else you'd like to tell your brother?"

"Ummmmmmmmmm....I love you???" said ever-so disingenuously.

We get in the car and as luck (or what we like to call Instant Discipline from God) would have it, she opens the car door and slams her fingers between the door and a pillar next to the car.

"Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!"

"What happened?"

Crying. "I smashed my fingers!"

"Ehhhhhhhhh....whatever. Get in."

She stares at me knowing good-and-well where that last remark came from.

(Oh she was fine...quit judging!)

So I start in on Be Nice To Your Brother Lesson #32,405.

"You better watch how you treat him, Shelby. You're going to need him the rest of your life. Plus, he is really sick. Where's your heart?" Then trying to emphasize the point, I embelish. "You never know...you could come home and he could be in the hospital because he has pneumonia or something. You'd feel horrible."

She slowly turns her head toward me.

"Mom. Really?! He is NOT going to the hospital."

"You don't know that. You don't know everything."

"Well, I may not know everything, but it's highly unlikely."


Damnit. All I can hope for now is she is given guilt throughout the day at school. What? She needs to be nice to him!

Thankfully, her heart grew two sizes today and tonight...she made me proud.

And really, in the car she made me proud.

Yep...She totally called me on that. She basically said, "Woman...I am NOT falling for the drama. Take it elsewhere."

But tonight, as Ben's coughing started up again, she appeared in his doorway. Offering water. Offering a wet wash rag. Offering help. Offering love.

"Hey Ben. I DO love you, you know. Sorry about this morning."

"I know..." cough...cough...cough. "I love you, too." cough cough cough

She smiles and starts to walk out. Then, in true Shelby fashion, takes control. "Well...I bet I love you more!"

"I bet you do too." cough cough cough

SCORE ONE FOR THE BOY!

I love you with all I am, sweet Belle. But you had that one coming, my love. :)

I guess you're teaching him girls can be crazy, hot messes and he's starting to show you, love tolerates some things, but not everything.

Be nice. It really is easy.

ACCOUNTABILITY

I'm having one of those nights (well, now mornings) when I just can't sleep.

Goodness knows I'm tired enough. But my brain isn't cooperating with my body. My body gave in hours ago. My brain is still churning.

It's jumping between various subjects.

The sick boy I have in the other room, who despite being on an antibiotic the past seven days for a sinus infection, has now developed a hacking cough and slight fever.

The fact I need to start making more money, as the bills keep coming in like tsunami waves hitting a small island with no mountains offering an option for retreat.

How I rarely get to see those I love due to a type of crazy-tight schedule only a few people understand.

That I need to start exercising more (again). Seems I'm in a cycle of not being in shape and being too tired to workout. I know the exercise will help the fatigue. It's just getting up the energy to exercise. Same song, 143,502nd verse.

But mainly my brain is thinking about people. Why we do what we do. How more listening and less talking never hurt anyone. How judgemental, untrusting, unfaithful and dishonest people still get to me.

I just don't, and never will, get some people. Especially those who claim to be on "your side". Or at least say they are. Then their actions show the exact opposite. I can't tell you how many times over the past couple years I've become accutely attuned to people claiming one thing and doing another.

And I'm not talking the occasional slip up. We all do that. Goodness knows I have. But I also apologize when I slip. When that apology is forgiven...I'm grateful and know I've chosen to have someone in my life who also gets THEY aren't perfect. Recognizes we all have our days or misunderstandings. But when the apology is not forgiven, or even ignored (and this has only happened to me only once), I know I've done all I can and it's time to move on. As Ang says, "That ball is no longer in your court, T. You've done all you can do...all God expects you to do...move on." Sometimes honesty will only get you as far as what the other person chooses to, or is capable of, believing.

But for those who exhibit a constant pattern of behavior that is so contrary to who they claim to be or what they say they want out of life, it's only natural for those of us observing to keep our distance. It's what we do to protect ourselves, as well as the ones we love. Caution kicks in and Momma Bear instinctively goes into protective mode.

I've learned to watch. I've learned I don't have to say, "I know you aren't being honest with me" and just let the person continue, because not only does it free me from the drama...it shows their true colors.

I have to admit, there's a sadness to listening to someone tell you something that you absolutely know isn't the truth. These days, I find myself listening and thinking, "Surely you don't think I'm this naive. Or maybe you just think your lie is brilliant? Regardless, I'm curious to see just how far you will take this...".

It's something I've never done in the past. In the past, I would've fronted them out. Now...I watch. I listen. And my Momma Bear alarm sounds because it's not just me I'm looking out for.

I have two kids counting on me to make the best decisions possible for our lives. And the fact I know in my gut I won't always make the best decision is a hard pill to swallow. Saying otherwise would be calling myself perfect and I'm not.

But showing them with not just words, but also actions, is what I try to do every day. Honesty is a good start. Mean what you say and say what you mean. That's where character is built and respect is earned. I now get that sometimes it's more difficult for others to hear the truth. They'd rather reason an excuse in their heads.

The truth always...and I mean always...comes out. It's a very, very small world. Just because I'm not calling you on it doesn't mean I'm stupid or ignorant. On the contrary.

However, if the 'truth' you are looking for is regarding someone else's personal life...move on. Because if they haven't told you, either they aren't ready to discuss it or it's none of your business. Or both. They aren't necessarily hiding anything. They just may choose to talk about happier things than get bogged down on any negatives or drama. Having to deal with it is pain enough. Then to be questioned about it is just insensitive.

None of your business, by the way, isn't an insult. It's a fact.

Not everyone has a blog for you to read and get insight on them. Obviously, I write one, but it's not for you. It's for me. And one day, for my kids. I'd never write anything (at least not on this blog...I save that for my anonymously-authored blog!) so intensely personal about my life that it would come back and slap me. I'm not completely in the dark on that. Seriously?!

If you don't like what I write, it's very simple. Stop reading it. But if you do continue to read it, don't read 'into' it.

I see the visits/hits I'm getting. I see where you are. If you have a question, ask me. No problem. There's a place for comments. Feel free to leave one.

Just always remember and never forget: Only you are in charge of making yourself happy. In essence, you are the author of your circumstances in life and the only one with that pen. Don't blame others if your plot isn't going the way you think it should be.