WHERE AM I GONNA PUT ALL THIS STUFF...

What should I be doing right now? Working. BUT...I've been doing that for the bigger part of the day and will continue to as the day and night goes on, so I feel sure my boss would say, "Sure T...take a few minutes..." :-).

Working from home definitely has its advantages. I get to sit on my comfy bed to enter property reports, do a little laundry, meet the UPS guy who just delivered something (honestly...I've gotta say...I was waiting for the camera to round the corner because he was simply way too good-looking to be a UPS delivery guy. I actually think I said, "Oh!" when I opened the door. Niiiiiiiiice T.)...I'm sorry...what was I talking about?

Oh yes...working from home. And it's even better now because it's starting to look a lot like Christmas around here. Just as soon as I got MOST of the boxes unpacked from the move (I'm not counting the ones in the kids rooms. I need shelves up on the walls to place things before that unpacking happens!) out comes all the Christmas stuff.

And come out it did...with the help of my 7 year-old elf. She literally unpacked and placed (yes...I will be going behind her and REplacing some items!) about five boxes of Christmas decorations last night. Can you say 'excited'?

This weekend...the tree. I have absolutely NO idea whatsoever where I'm gonna put it...stay tuned.

Back to work...

MY FRIEND

Do you have something to say?

SAY IT.

Do you want something out of life?

GO FOR IT.

Are you scared?

JOIN THE CLUB.

Memberships now being accepted.

"That's what I thought...".

SURRENDER

Has anyone ever called you a particular term and you think, "Yeah right. I must have just done/said something...just this once...to make them think that." Only to discover (finally) the term is so extremely, outrageously, embarrassingly true.

People...nice to meet you...I'm a control freak.

And I actually looked this term up (of course I did...hello? Control freak!) because I guess I always thought it meant you both liked being in control and wanted to be in control of every aspect. Not the case.

Therefore, it really fits me.

I actually do NOT want to be this way. There are many, many things I do NOT want to be in control of. Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You can be in charge of everything I don't care about or screw up on" and I immediately started laughing like "What an incredibly pompous thing to say". Then, after thinking about it, my opinion shifted to "Actually, sounds kinda good to me...".

And I would love to be more spontaneous. I'm so scared I'm holding my kids back from adventures they should be taking but aren't due to my being afraid of what may happen. Of course, there's a line. But I want them to explore. To have fun.

"Why do you over think things so much?". Ummmmmmmm...I just want to make sure I'm exploring all angles so I know I've eliminated all aspects of negativity/danger. ::::blank stare:::: Then it was like I stepped out of my body, heard what I said and went, "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??? Are you serious?!!".

So when do you decide it's okay to let go? When is it appropriate to just go, "Whatever...here I go."?

I think it can be held in direct proportion to the probability of someone getting hurt. If it's only you, and you're okay with the possibility of getting hurt, then it's only your fear holding you back.

And that's where I get lost. Fear of WHAT exactly? There are very few things I'm interested in doing that actually have the potential of causing death! So really...what's my hold-up? ME. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. And why? I do not want to look back on my life and wish I'd taken a chance at something.

Part of the 'fear' comes from feeling like I live my life in a fish bowl. Too many people watching. Questioning. Judging. At some point I'm going to press my face up against the glass and yell, "Move onto the next bowl and leave me alone already!"

I have the perfect opportunity to experiment with letting go at this point in my life. Obviously, my kids are my primary concern, but they have absolutely nothing to do with most of my fears of spontaneity. I would never do anything that would endanger them...obviously.

Maybe I'll gain a crazy amount of self-confidence soon and be the kind of person I really want to be. No regrets. Not caring what anyone is saying or thinking.

Maybe.....

BEING THANKFUL

Once again, enjoying the terrace this afternoon (as tomorrow I will NOT be able to since the weather is going to get yucky!). I ran so many errands today in such a short amount of time. Sometimes I even amaze myself. :-)

As I was driving around town, watching all the Christmas tree tents pop up left-and-right...I got excited. We get a real Christmas tree this year! I was told there's a new fangled contraption that helps you fill the water and check it...so I've got that to look forward to also. Not to mention lugging this thing up a set of stairs. FURTHER not to mention where in the flinging-flanging I'm going to put it. It will work out. Seems it always does.

I would have looked at you like you had two heads if you told me where I'd be this year in my life and that I would be fine. I would have said, "No...I'll be devastated and lost.". And obviously, in some ways I am. But I'm learning that's okay. God never leaves us. In fact, I was just reminded that it's in the toughest times of our lives when He's closer to us than ever.

He puts events, things, people and challenges in our lives that help us draw a new road map for our lives and help us along with the journey. I keep saying I've been surprised and amazed, and I really can't emphasize that enough. I never would have chosen this path. But honestly...I knew better than to ever think I wouldn't be okay. I'm a survivor. More than that...I'm learning to be an adventurer in my own life. And you think that would be scary (okay so it is...it's terrifying!). But slowly starting to trust in yourself and others starts creeping back in, whether you try for it to or not. It's just part of life. And I'm so eternally thankful for that.

The memory of past events slowly lose their sting. New memories help as a salve, to a degree.

So on this Thanksgiving Eve, I'm thankful for being open to "new". For not becoming bitter. For wanting to be better. For forgiveness and the power of a heart full of love versus hate. For being able to pay it forward. And for a great friend who is constantly reminding me to "let go and quit trying to be in charge of everything".

Easier said than done, but I really am trying now. And for the first time in a long time, I can see some headway.


Be Thankful
By Author Unknown

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

It's obvious, really.

Balance that is.

It takes two forces to create it.

Whether on a see-saw or in life. It takes balance. It takes two opposing influences. Up-down. Left-right. Positive-negative. Good-bad. Joy-pain.

It's such a basic concept we learn at a very young age, yet we have such a difficult time applying to life. Things can't always be "good" (or "bad" for that matter).

You can't have one without the other or there would never be movement. We would never progress. Or digress, as the case may be.

Yet change usually scares us. Especially when it's unexpected. Our minds don't compute the change back to it's most simple adaptation...this is part of life.

And I'm just now finding myself constantly surprised with life and just how perfectly God works. At first, it seemed like all the change I was seeing was of the negative nature. When will the good come? It has to. Life is a balance.

It's easy to get trapped in all the negative things going on, until one day you decide...No more. I'm going to look for the good. In fact, I'm going to let the good happen. Even if I have to step out of my comfort zone.

I'm thinking out of fear, my zone turned into a wall at some point and was keeping all the good from getting near me...

So...It took awhile, but consider me surprised. (Floored is more like it).

FALLING JUST AIN'T SO BAD

You know I must be busy when a couple people actually comment, "Are you going to start writing again?". Or I'm speechless when asked, "So...what are you gonna write about this?". Hmmmmm....probably not! I tend to try and not embarrass myself! Though...it happens.

I've been trying to squeeze the belongings of Shamu into a sardine can people. Challenging to say the least. When I haven't been doing that, I've been blessed to have amazing friends to keep me company and say, "Quit cleaning and unpacking for just a couple hours and come out.". Do you know me at all? Incomplete things drive me crazy. But since I've been pretty much dared to be spontaneous and make a change...I've done it.

And guess what? It's been just fine. Good in fact. Surprisingly.

And tonight, for the first time, I'm able to do what I always envisioned doing once in my apartment. I'm sitting out on the terrace writing. It's a beautiful night. I read a book to Shelby (Ben listened some, but hey...it was Pinkalicious so you can't really blame him for losing interest and watching the birds fly by and leaves fall). And now, I'm relaxing. Feet up. Dog at my feet. Growling and crying at other canines walking in her dog park.

As I sit here, I'm still trying to figure out where in the world my Bender Ball is. It's driving me crazy. I vowed to (again) lose more weight and tone what I'd already lost and now...no Bender Ball. Obviously, a trip to Target is in order.

So in the middle of all this chaos that is my life, I'm taking a few minutes to enjoy what I have. In the middle of some crazy last week, I sarcastically commented to a friend, "Aren't I a lucky girl?!!" to which the reply was, "Yes, actually...you are.". (i.e. get over it). Always nice being kept in-check. :-)

Seems that's a common theme for me these days. My friends. Old and new. All incredibly supportive and letting me know they are here.

And even though I missed the concert, I still love Sugarland. I was recently introduced to this song and it has quickly become a favorite. In one word: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........... . Sink into this one.

Of course, YouTube embedding isn't working correctly, so here's the link and lyrics. It's a MUST-LISTEN.

Fall Into Me by Sugarland.

When the weight of the world
Breaks down so strong it
Leaves footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first

When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see right through your soul
And you cant find a nickel to buy a smile 'cuz all your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and
Hide before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Fall into me
My arms are opened wide
And you don't have to say a word
'Cuz I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

I wanna be the bottle you've been drinkin' with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been runnin' all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Fall into me
My arms are opened wide
And you don't have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That it's hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away
To find some demons waiting for you
In your dreams
Before your arms stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers till you fall

Fall into me
My arms are stretched opened wide
You don't have to say a word
'Cuz I already see
That its hard
And your scared
And your tired
And it hurts
And i wanna be the one you reach for first

I'M MS. HEAT MISER...I'M MS. SUN!

As I sit here with my hair piled up on top of my head, completely saturated in a product called "Color Fix" that smells nothing short of skunk...I have to laugh.

My sweet friend, knowing I don't have the cash flow to go get the salon highlighting I really needed, offered to highlight my hair. I offered the warning several times that my hair has a red base to it (hey...my mom was Irish!) and the over-the-counter things never work on me, but she assured me this would.

Long story short...Hi...I'm Terri ...aka. Ms. Heat Miser.

Kelley is devastated at my new shade. And while I was shocked at my hair, to say the least, I was never mad at her. Hardly! She was trying to help me and was being a great friend in doing so. So Kel....get over it!

As if I didn't already know, this past week and a half has shown me just how many amazing friends I have. They are all a phone call away. No exceptions. Several have said, "Hey you never know, I can't imagine it, but I could be in your shoes one day." And while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, you can bet I will be there if and when needed.

They helped me move. They offered help with the kids. Offered to grocery shop for me. I even now have the most beautiful Christmas wreath I've ever owned. Call just to check in or text a little, "I'm thinking of you! Let me know if you need anything!". They know my schedule is hectic right now and offer help...and excuse it when I seem to forget my own schedule since scatterbrained doesn't nearly seem to suffice my lack of calendar-skills these days. I'm embarrassed and they just laugh it off saying, "Whatever!". I've got a learning curve to deal with, that's for sure.

I'm deeply blessed to have these women in my life and be able to call them my "friends". Some have become more than that. They're more like family.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for loving me and being in my life. I will always, always be here for you. I'm just a phone call away.

You'll know me by the flaming red hair heading your general direction! Hahahaha! (Hopefully, not for much longer...)

JUST GIMME A MINUTE...

So much to say. So much to write. SO LITTLE TIME TO DO IT! I had an particularly amazing day last week and had every intention of sitting down and writing about it that very night while the excitement was still fresh and ... didn't get to it. I'm sure it probably involved me taking a hot bath and getting horizontal on the bed, but that's neither here nor there... .

The past week has been a blur for the most part. While it's had some pretty darn outstanding moments, it's all run together since we've been go-go-go. Trying to get everything out of one residence and in a new one. The best news of it all is the kids love it and feel very at home. Safe. Comfortable. So that makes me smile at night.

I'm promising myself I'm going to write about that day. Although it will mean much more to me than anyone else, it's important for me to put down. I want two amazing kids to look back on it one day and know there is always a rainbow after a storm. (Even if you have to paint one on a piece of paper!).

I KNOW HOW YA FEEL, GINGER

Sometimes it's just one of those days.

PASS THE PACKING PEANUTS, PLEASE

Is it Friday yet? 'Cuz Monday kicked my...well, you know.

I had a great birthday-week (yes...I get the whole week). Awesome friends, family...it was fun and I couldn't have asked for more. Lots of love!

Today...Monday...not so great, but I'm looking past it now. I have a friend who keeps telling me to "Breathe. Okay now do it again."

Of course, this is also the person who told me this weekend I was "a beating". Ummmmm...really? And my response, you ask?

"Pffffffff...like I haven't heard that before!"

And Ang's smartly added comment while laughing was, "And did you add, 'Is THAT all ya' got?!' "

And yes...I can be a beating. :::I proudly affirm::: All I can say is be patient with me. My shield is set on maximum strength.

But, I digress...again.

So as I try to "breathe" as I look around now at all the stuff I still need to do to get ready to move, I'm overwhelmed (yes, again) and feel as if I'm the one whose been beaten. As incredibly ready as I am to move and start new, I'm equally unmotivated to do this. Again. After having just done it less than two years ago. I HATE moving.

The lemonade (another Ang term) of it all is it allows me to clean out the clutter. The things that somehow make it in the house then you find later and look at like, "Where in the world did you come from?" It also allows me to sit on the floor of my closet and sort through pictures, letters, cards, little hand-written notes and hold onto memories.

While doing this, I came across an envelope of paperwork my dad gave me a long time ago. In it was both my mom's birth and death certificate. I tried to skip past it and use it as a reminder that I really need to purchase a small fire-proof safe for things I want to protect. But I kept coming back to it. I know what she'd be saying if she were here.

In the 15 short years I had with her, she taught me so much about how to be a strong woman, loving mother and just a good person (all of which I'm still working on, by the way!). She was amazingly strong. A fantastic mom. A lady. She taught me to treat others the way you want to be treated. She was always, always considerate of others. Gracious. Generous. Totally and completely dedicated to her family. And I know part of her right now would be absolutely broken hearted about where I am in my life. A part would be angry.

But the biggest part of her would be, "Okay, so where do we go from here?" because she never gave up. She didn't know how to surrender. Yes...she definitely passed that on to me. And let me tell ya...it's both a gift and a curse. But as stubborn as she was, she also taught me how to forgive. Her illness alone showed me our time here is questionable and you've got to take care of what's important while you can and let go of the rest. I'm sure, had she lived long enough, she would have taught me the finer art of only carrying with you what you can handle at the time. And boy could I use to know that right about now!

While I have been able to toss out a lot of things I either don't need or no longer want, I also know some things are simply going to come with me whether they've surpassed the expiration rule of "if you haven't used it in the last year" or not. That rule is what's a beating! Sometimes it's just not an accurate measurement of time.

And then there are those things you just can't put in a box. Some things stay in our hearts, like it or not. Safely tucked away where no one can touch them. And while my heart has proven fire-proof, it will stay carefully packed away for awhile. It's definitely coming with me, but it's totally surrounded by a ridiculous amount of protective wrap and marked "FRAGILE! DON'T BREAK!" for now. All of my wonderful memories will stay there. And they definitely don't have an expiration date.

Always remember and never forget: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. ~ Dr. Seuss.

I'M CRUSHING YOUR HEADS!

It's the short-term goals I'm supposed to be focusing on. But those long-termers keep peaking their impatient little heads over the horizon.

I remind myself of the temporariness of it all. Because I know:

At some point:
...I won't have to remind myself to smile when I feel like staring into space.
...I will wake up ready to tackle the day instead of telling myself, "C'mon...you can do it."
...I'll be somewhere where there's no computers and a cell phone signal only in case of emergency (for my kids sake!).
...I won't stress over every penny and the phrase "We don't have the money for that right now. I'm sorry." won't be used nearly as often.
...This knot in my stomach, throat and back will be gone.
...I won't feel the need to cheer for my car everytime it starts.
...I won't second-guess everyones intentions, words, actions.
...I will look in the mirror and think, "You look good today" vs. the every day battle of, "What's happened to you? You look tired."
...I'll have my energy back.
...I'll be back in my size 4 jeans.
...I'll look forward to exercising.
...I'll trust.

Someday..