BROKEN

The biggest thing she has to worry about right now is how she wants the pillows, comforter and blanket to lie on her bed "just so".

His biggest concern is that his new XBox headphones will work each game and that he gets his room cleaned each morning prior to playing.

And that's just how it should be. Kids shouldn't have to experience stress.

But somewhere between there and here...it happens. We grow up. We take on additional responsibilities. Additional hardships. Additional finances. And therefore, additional stress.

I got laid-off for the second time in my life and in only one year's time. And received zero severance pay for either job (I'm sorry, but if you give someone NO warning...you should give them at least a week or two!).

The first job I got laid-off from, I didn't really like, but I DID need the money so it was obviously stressful.

But this job...this job I liked. I gave it my all. I didn't have someone watching over my shoulder making sure I was making my sales calls or confirming I was following-up. I was doing what I needed to do. Part of me feels like I was set-up for failure as I received no training. No direction as to where to go for needed sales, until it was too late. The other part of me knows looking back is a waste of time.

I find myself, once again, in an extremely stressful position. I've discovered I am never jealous of others until I'm in this position. I HAVE to work. I also WANT to work. But there's a gaping, huge breath of air difference between 'have to' and 'want to'. The kind that leaves a cramp in your gut you just can't seem to ease yourself out of.

I know if it were just me I had to take care of, I'd still have stress, but not at all compared to the kind I have with two little ones needing me.

My focus turned from sheer fear to "I'm being watched on how I handle this" not even one hour after I lost this job.

These kids are watching me...again...and I'm showing them how to respond to how we react to life's challenges. I'm showing them how, as an adult, we are supposed to respond.

Then today when we received bad news about the amazingly sweet dog (Rosie) we are fostering, I was in the position again. Are you kidding me?

I've done a lot of crying over the past two days. It's what I do. I'm a cryer. My kiddos are used to this. Whether it's a television commercial about long distance or it's a divorce, they know this is a normal emotion. (Though I've told them sometimes their silly mom cries more than most!).

When we had to leave Rosie at the vet today after we were expecting to be able to take her home, I walked toward the car and said, "Ughhhhhhhh! I am SO tired of bad things happening!", Ben put his arm around me and said, "I'm sorry mom. You've had a lot of bad things lately. But you always fight back. You're a winner."

Shelby added, "Yeah! I have an idea...let's just not think about the bad things. They're going to be there whether we think about them or not, so let's just not even think about them. Mom...that company should have kept you or at least let you know sooner you may not have a job soon. That's not cool! And we'll pray for Rosie right now. God will take care of that one."

Wow.

As always, these kids lift me up. Higher than I ever thought was possible for kids to do. And it's not their job to have to lift me up, right? Does that put me in the bad mom category? Great...now I'm going to beat myself up about that.

I thanked them and told them how awesome they were.

Shelby said, "We got it from you. Remember...you told me that one day I will fall off the horse and when I do, I've got to get back up? Remember that? You always get back up."

And I will. At some point, I'll stop asking, "Why me? Why am I not due for good things? Why do others have it easier? Why can't I coast yet? Why does everyone else have someone to lean on?"

And I KNOW my friends will say I have them. It's different. Most of the time I am totally fine with it. Right now, it's a very lonely feeling.

Right now I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared to death. I'm having some type of pity party and I'm even pissed off about that. I just want a stable job I like and to be able to go to bed at night not worrying if I'll have enough money to buy necessities for two kids and myself. How am I going to pay rent? Buy food? Take them to the doctor?

I KNOW others have worse issues. But THIS is my reality right now.

I put on a 'brave face' every day and say, "I'm fine!". But let it be known...at this point...I'm officially broken.

OLYMPIC SISSY RIDIN'

Watching Olympic Equestrian event today, my kids make the following observations...

Belle: That's it? What? Are u just going to ride around like a sissy?!!!! Geeez!

Ben: Well for crying out loud...YOU could do THAT Shelby!

Belle: Duh!! Except I'd fall asleep from being so bored. Change it. This is horrible. Ugh. I mean really!!!?

INTERVIEW OF A 9 & 12 YEAR OLD

Kim has been "interviewing" her daughter for years now. Watching how the answers change. What stays the same. At this age, you never know. I thought it was a great idea and boy was it. These kids crack me up! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!


Let's find out a few favorites first...
SHELBY
Color: Neon Yellow
Number: 16
Song: Titanium
TV Show: Victorious
Movie: Little Rascals
Holiday: Christmas!!
Book: Dork Diaries
Food: Fried Chicken
Drink: Orange Soda

BEN
Color: Blue
Number: 10
Song: Men in Black III
TV Show: Friends
Movie: The Avengers
Holiday: Christmas!!
Book: The Kane Chronicles
Food: Pizza
Drink: Dr Pepper

Now let's get down to business....


If you could change your name, what would it be?
Shelby: Hope
Ben: Jack

If you could choose anywhere in the world to go on vacation, where would you go?
Shelby: Paris
Ben: London

Why do you like being a kid?
Shelby: Because I don’t have to move out of the house and get to live with mom.
Ben: Because I don't have to go to work.

What is one word that you would use to describe yourself?
Shelby: Wild
Ben: Awesome

One word to describe Mommy?
Shelby: Crazy
Ben: Amazing

Shelby: One word to describe Ben?
Loud
Ben: One word to describe Shelby?
Cool

What do you like to do for fun?
Shelby: Ride horses and wakeboard.
Ben: Customize and build Legos

What do I like to do for fun?
Shelby: Hang out with me and Ben.
Ben: Hang out with me and Shelby.

Shelby: What does Ben like to do for fun?
Play XBox
Ben: What does Shelby like to do for fun?
Ride horses

If you could choose the amount of your allowance each week, how much should you get?
Shelby: $10
Ben: $10-20

What is your happiest memory?
Shelby: Going to Disney World with my family.
Ben: When we all went to the beach for the first time in Port Aransas


What is your saddest memory?
Shelby: When our boxer Duke died.
Ben: When I broke my arm.

What makes you mad?
Shelby: When people judge me.
Ben: When people litter.

When was the last time you got into trouble?
Shelby: Yesterday.
Ben: I don't know...a couple weeks ago?

Who is your hero?
Shelby: My momma.
Ben: Dad.

If you could do anything (without limits) what would you do?
Shelby: I would go to Sea World and swim with Shamu.
Ben: Swim in the crystal clear waters of Florida.

Do you love me?
Shelby: Yes!
Ben: What? Duh! Absolutely, definitely and forever!

Am I the best Mommy ever?
Shelby: Yes.
Ben: Of course!

THE NOSE KNOWS

Maybe I'm the only one who does this. I don't know.

It never fails, after I've finished my shopping at Target, on my way to the cash register...I go through my cart and see what I need to put back.

Did I put anything in here I don't really need?

Did I succumb to an impulse purchase?

Is there anything in here I don't really need now and that may be on sale next week?

Always, always, always...this happens.

And every time I find something I can put back.

So why do I pick it up in the first place? Goodness knows my Target bill is always more than I think it should be (which is why I shop at Walmart whenever possible). But sometimes, only Target will do.

Today, I came home with more than I planned, but that's really nothing new. Things that I really don't "need", but in a way I do.

What are they?

My Febreeze plug-ins. Particular candles. And my potpourri pot warmer that melts those oh-so-amazing wax pods. My new favorite? Amber Leather. Ahhhhhh...

What can I say? I MUST LIVE IN A SMELL-GOOD ENVIRONMENT! If you've been to my home, you know this.

Things that smell good make me happy. Makes me smile and want to breathe deep. Certain aromas even calm me.

So I'd say "need" is an appropriate word in this situation. My nose knows what's important.

COMMENCE THE UGLY CRYING

So my sweet Shelby calls me in the living room tonight and tells me she wants me to hear a song.

She crosses the room, pulls out a couple tissues from the tissue box, comes back to the couch and hands me one and keeps one for herself.

Me: What are you doing?

Belle: You're gonna need it.

Me: Why?

Belle: Because the song is sad.

Me: Then why are we listening to it?

Belle: Because it reminds me of you and how I never want to be without you.

Me: Okay...let's do this.


We listen to the song and she starts crying. And I'm not just talking a little sniffling. I'm talking an ugly cry. Which makes me cry. And as I read the lyrics, it tears at my heart.

"Your my momma. You'll always be my momma. No one else. Sometimes I want to be a teenager and other times, like now, I just want to sit in your lap because I know I'm safe with you."

Ugh...that took a couple years off me right there.

BRING. IT. ON.

I'm ready to go on vacation. I haven't been on a vacation in YEARS people.

The kids and I are headed to New Braunfels soon and I can't wait. It's my old stompin' ground. Well, technically San Marcos is, but that's 10-15 minutes away...depending on how fast you drive. I often refer to it as home as it's the place I most feel 'at home'.

I've been working my butt off making cold calls to companies who have never heard of my company before. I can't actually get to the people I need to talk to generally, but have finally hooked up with a guy whose company we've formed an alliance partnership with so now I'm at least getting in front of the decision makers.

I've been trying to keep two kids entertained during the summer...challenging even for parents who don't work. But for one who is working full-time, doesn't have deep pockets to send them to summer camps, workshops, etc...it makes it even more challenging. We're making it work though and thankfully, it's a rare occasion I've heard the words "I'm bored".

I'm taking care of quite-possibly one of the sweetest dogs in the world and trying to help her heal from heart worms and now we are going to have to do a second round of treatment on this sweet soul. She deserves better. (People...*always* give your dogs heart worm prevention! It's one little chewable pill they think is a 'treat' each month!).

Add in some "personal" issues and yeah...I need to get away.

This time next week, I'll be with GREAT friends, watching my kids play with their friends, enjoying a little Gruene Hall, Gristmill and of course...the Guadalupe River.

It's nothing fancy. But it will definitely do.