BROKEN

The biggest thing she has to worry about right now is how she wants the pillows, comforter and blanket to lie on her bed "just so".

His biggest concern is that his new XBox headphones will work each game and that he gets his room cleaned each morning prior to playing.

And that's just how it should be. Kids shouldn't have to experience stress.

But somewhere between there and here...it happens. We grow up. We take on additional responsibilities. Additional hardships. Additional finances. And therefore, additional stress.

I got laid-off for the second time in my life and in only one year's time. And received zero severance pay for either job (I'm sorry, but if you give someone NO warning...you should give them at least a week or two!).

The first job I got laid-off from, I didn't really like, but I DID need the money so it was obviously stressful.

But this job...this job I liked. I gave it my all. I didn't have someone watching over my shoulder making sure I was making my sales calls or confirming I was following-up. I was doing what I needed to do. Part of me feels like I was set-up for failure as I received no training. No direction as to where to go for needed sales, until it was too late. The other part of me knows looking back is a waste of time.

I find myself, once again, in an extremely stressful position. I've discovered I am never jealous of others until I'm in this position. I HAVE to work. I also WANT to work. But there's a gaping, huge breath of air difference between 'have to' and 'want to'. The kind that leaves a cramp in your gut you just can't seem to ease yourself out of.

I know if it were just me I had to take care of, I'd still have stress, but not at all compared to the kind I have with two little ones needing me.

My focus turned from sheer fear to "I'm being watched on how I handle this" not even one hour after I lost this job.

These kids are watching me...again...and I'm showing them how to respond to how we react to life's challenges. I'm showing them how, as an adult, we are supposed to respond.

Then today when we received bad news about the amazingly sweet dog (Rosie) we are fostering, I was in the position again. Are you kidding me?

I've done a lot of crying over the past two days. It's what I do. I'm a cryer. My kiddos are used to this. Whether it's a television commercial about long distance or it's a divorce, they know this is a normal emotion. (Though I've told them sometimes their silly mom cries more than most!).

When we had to leave Rosie at the vet today after we were expecting to be able to take her home, I walked toward the car and said, "Ughhhhhhhh! I am SO tired of bad things happening!", Ben put his arm around me and said, "I'm sorry mom. You've had a lot of bad things lately. But you always fight back. You're a winner."

Shelby added, "Yeah! I have an idea...let's just not think about the bad things. They're going to be there whether we think about them or not, so let's just not even think about them. Mom...that company should have kept you or at least let you know sooner you may not have a job soon. That's not cool! And we'll pray for Rosie right now. God will take care of that one."

Wow.

As always, these kids lift me up. Higher than I ever thought was possible for kids to do. And it's not their job to have to lift me up, right? Does that put me in the bad mom category? Great...now I'm going to beat myself up about that.

I thanked them and told them how awesome they were.

Shelby said, "We got it from you. Remember...you told me that one day I will fall off the horse and when I do, I've got to get back up? Remember that? You always get back up."

And I will. At some point, I'll stop asking, "Why me? Why am I not due for good things? Why do others have it easier? Why can't I coast yet? Why does everyone else have someone to lean on?"

And I KNOW my friends will say I have them. It's different. Most of the time I am totally fine with it. Right now, it's a very lonely feeling.

Right now I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm scared to death. I'm having some type of pity party and I'm even pissed off about that. I just want a stable job I like and to be able to go to bed at night not worrying if I'll have enough money to buy necessities for two kids and myself. How am I going to pay rent? Buy food? Take them to the doctor?

I KNOW others have worse issues. But THIS is my reality right now.

I put on a 'brave face' every day and say, "I'm fine!". But let it be known...at this point...I'm officially broken.