JUST ONE LOOK AT YOU, I KNOW IT'S GONNA BE...

I absolutely hate that I have't been able to sit down and write. For nothing more than put thoughts to paper...or laptop, as the case may be.

It's been a whirlwind of activity in my life lately and I simply just haven't had time. Or maybe I just haven't been motivated enough to make the time, because I know where my thoughts have centered and I simply don't want to go there.

I always hear of the "holiday blues" and I suppose this year I've got them. From my bank account being hacked into, to my electricity being turned off last week DUE TO my bank account being hacked into...it's been a domino effect to the position I'm in now. The money it took to turn the electricity back on (thanks to an outrageous reconnect fee and a deposit) was the money I had so carefully set aside to buy gifts. I was so proud of myself! I had planned ahead and the money was there. WAS.

And Christmas decorations that are usually all up by time the dishwasher is done with Thanksgiving dishes? I'd say 70% are still packed away. Of course the Christmas tree isn't. No, it's apparently with a new family this year. The one who stole it out of our garage (that I made the mistake of leaving open, thank you).

Then the big one.

How do I pay for Christmas gifts?

I know Christmas isn't about material things. But when you're 12 and 9, it's part of it. Thinking about it makes my eyes burn and that leads me to be mad at myself. Plenty, plenty, plenty of people have less. And my 'bad fortune' seems to have been my defining feature the past couple years and I'm sick of it, so I don't talk about it. The "So how's it going?" question is now just answered with, "Great!".

I don't want pity. I don't want "the looks". I don't want emails or texts asking "how can I help". Yes, it's just people trying to help, but I don't want help. I want to be in the position to do the helping.

Hopefully tonight I'll make some time to sit down and actually write something relavent. And I'm sure my mood will be better by then.

For now I'll leave you with this...because it makes me smile whenever I hear it. Makes me think of two amazing kids who keep me going.