IT'S ALL HOW YOU LOOK (OR RATHER LISTEN) TO IT

It was just shared with me...out of the blue. It was meant to make me say, "Wow...what a beautiful song!".

Instead, I now have NO makeup left. At all. And the paranoia I felt before about getting the blood work results back, coupled with my over-active, hypochondriac, single-mom syndrome...I'm a complete ball of mush right now.

Quit laughing at me.

YOU listen to it. It's beautiful.


And CPJ's comment is even more beautiful...

Me: "Don't send me any more songs about dying!"

CPJ: "You listened to it wrong! It's not about dying...it's about living."


I'm such a freak sometimes. :-)

PRIORITIES

I've said it many times...I am hyper-sensitive to getting some strange disease that will take me away from my kids. I know that sounds so ridiculous to some (most?), but losing my mom at age 15 instilled that fear in me.

So after a month or so of having some "weird" kind of pains fairly regularly, I decided a trip to the doctor was in order. I'll just say she's quite possibly the best doctor I've ever had in my life. I can't recall one better than her.

She totally gets my "paranoia" regarding my irrational fears. While she was able to diagnose two things on the spot (ulcer and irritative bowel syndrome...thank you very much. How embarrassing.) she's still curious about some others, so an incredible amount of blood work was ordered. The sweet lab technician said, "Well after all this, you should be pretty confident at least about what you don't have!". True.

I recently got new health insurance that AT BEST is adequate. Makes me want to start lashing out at our country's economic status,the  responsibility it should have to 'it's own' and how people are still out there playing by their own rules, making those of us who play by THE rules suffer. They don't even consider what the fallout is. So we pay. And pay.

There are so many things I need to have done that are incredibly important and money is the obstacle. Once again. You'd think I may not be good at handling my finances. Not the case. You have a household, add it up. Now add two kids into it. Add payments due to entities I'm stuck paying each and every month. Add kids school stuff, clothes, food, friends' birthdays. Add medical bills that come along with three people. Like most recently, a kid with a staph infection and now my debacle. Add maintenance costs associated with a car bearing 90,000+ miles on it. It adds up...and then some. My stress and constant worry/talk about this particular subject is sound. I don't like it, but it's my one source of non-stop contention.

So I try and get creative. Do you offer payment plans? You need a copy of my last two months bank statements to prove I can make small monthly payments, but don't have enough to write one big check? Yeah...not a problem. Unfortunately, once again due to the economy, most don't want to accept payment plans from someone with my...well...financial resume and the recent scar it has on it that I can't remedy.

The things I want to do have taken a very far, deep, back seat to the things that I simply have to do. AKA...MY PRIORITIES. Things I've put off due to lack of money. Things I know darn, good and well I NEED to do. This medical junk will hopefully turn into something that I just need to make a lifestyle change regarding in order to move on. Then it will be kids' orthodontics, vision, etc... .

Vacations and even the simplist outings have become things of the past. On weeks I find I have an extra $40, I want to treat the kids. They don't complain. The "I Want" Syndrome has faded so much. Just taking them to a movie or something. What some consider an every day occurance, we now see as somewhat of a luxury of sorts. I've got to say though, my kids won't be any worse the wear because of it. They know they are loved, have a safe place to live, food in the pantry and clothes on their backs. It's not a house, or a walk-in pantry with gourmet food or designer clothes they wear...but it's what they have come to know as 'life'.

I have always found it so hard to put me 'in front' of my kids. Sounds horrible just reading back over it. So my doctor says to me, "It's getting to the point that if you don't carve out time for you, you won't be around to wish you had." Good point. I'll see what I can do on that.

I'm just going to have to look at it as not putting myself in front, per se...but putting myself right up there beside them. If I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

But if I don't ... I can think of two people who will certainly wish I would have.

I HAVE A VERY THOROUGH DOCTOR

Just in case you were wondering, this is what $6,300 worth of blood work looks like. No kidding.

KEEP YOUR ARMS AND FEET INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES

I really don't recall a time in my life I've been this busy. It's a good kind of busy.

I told a friend the other day that even though it's crazy, I'm happy. To which he replied, "You know Terri, that's probably because this is the very, first time in your adult life you are only answering to you. If you make it or don't, it's all you. There's some pride to that." And he was right.

There's probably 20 times throughout the day I'd like to sit down and write about life. Things I think, "Oh...I need to document that for the kids" and it always ends up the same. One of my three (you heard me) phones rings. My computer alerts me an email is waiting for me to answer it in order for progress to keep moving forward. A kid comes in with a staph infection (really) that requires a trip to Acute Kids. Another one needs help with homework (still something I love doing...because one day all too soon that math is gonna be way over Momma's head). A hamster needs his cage cleaned or a fish needs a little attention (again...seriously). I live in a zoo.

I have to say...I do love where I am right now, even though I'm not really sure exactly where that is.

Almost one year ago, I sat in the office of an apartment complex committing to give a year of mine and my kids residence to this small space we now call 'home'. This week, I find myself in the same boat. Still a little lost. Still a little excited. Still very scared.

I have spent time talking with friends in similar boats as mine and it seems we all have something in common. "Single parenting" leaves you feeling as if you armor has somehow been penetrated beyond repair. Sleepless nights are spent going over things that can not be solved past the hour of 5:00 p.m. College funds. Medical bills. Growing spurts that require new clothes and shoes. Upcoming Christmas presents. Rent. Electricity. Bills. Bills. Bills. So why do I do it?

We're just trying to avoid another surprise attack, says AG.

That makes sense.

So if I prepare for the unexpected, I won't be so nearly taken off-guard when it happens this time. But what IS the unexpected this time? No way to tell. So why worry. Right? Yeah, but you're logical and I've got insomnia.

God has provided for us every step of the way...I know that. I just don't want Him to ever feel as if I'm not doing my fair share!

Another singledom pastime has become self-diagnosis. Even though I've been an expert at this for years. Especially while I was pregnant. Good grief...especially then. I need to remove www.webMD.com from my server (and the app from my iPhone).

Kim and I have diagnosed ourselves with everything from diverticulitis to some rare form of cancer. This form of diagnosis usually happens around midnight to one in the morning...you know...when we are really thinking clearly. All because I'm scared I will miss that little, nagging pain I've had in my right side as a muscle cramp when it was really something serious and had I gotten it looked at and caught early, I'd live 100 more years. Is it because I'm two years past my much-needed colonoscopy? (Yes, Ben and Shelby...you have to get these done!). Can you say, hypochondriac?! My guess it's because I'm way too out of shape for my own good.

So see why I haven't written much lately? I'm a certified busy, crazy-scheduled, never-goes-out, living-in-cramped-quarters (which I actually don't mind), putting-out-fires-everywhere and dodging-friendly-fire woman these days.

Welcome to my world. :-) C'mon in...it's not bad, just in fast-forward!

Now you will have to excuse me. I've got a little girl coughing in the next room like she's got seal stuck in her throat. It never stops people. It just transfers like a bunch of UFC tag-teamers. :-) And I'll take it... .

Always remember and never forget: Take a second to be nice or devise a plot to hate. Study or fail. Try something new or stay in a rut. Smile or pout. Dance or stand in the corner. Be honest or lie. Move past it or dwell on it. Live like it's a new day or stew about past events. Life is what you make of it. Make it what your heart wants. What you want your children to be. So when you do turn around and look, you can say..."I'm glad that was me".