The past few weeks have been a blur. For many reasons I won't get into now, it's been one thing piling on top of another. I've felt like the equivalent of a hamster on a wheel. Not slowing down. Not making progress.
We have a semi-well-oiled machine in place over here. Our daily routines. Schedules. Expectations. Chores. Responsibilities. Arguments. Challenges. Time-outs.
I don't necessarily have this single-mom-of-two thing down, but I suppose from the outside it appears as if I do.
Meet my friends: Smoke and Mirrors.
I don't have a lot of free time as I try to figure out this balance and am continually told I need to "make time for me". I beat myself up daily for not doing things better. For not being in better shape. For not having more energy. For not eating better. For not having more time. For not doing things perfectly.
So every now and then, I start doubting myself. Thinking I'm not good enough. Not too much unlike every other woman/mom in this world.
I read something a couple years ago that said, "If someone treated your best friend as badly as you treat yourself, you'd kick their ass." So true.
And due to some recent events going on, I've been letting things and people get the best of me. Stupid, I know.
Last night, I was on a phone call dealing with one particular 'unpleasant' event going on right now. It is beyond stressing me out. As much as I am definitely not one to run from conflict, I don't want to do anything but run lately. Run away, that is. Just take Ben and Shelby and go somewhere else.
When you are trying to deal with situations that simply do NOT have a solution at this point in the game, it gets frustrating. The pull your hair out, kick a hole in the wall, smash the dishes on the floor kind of frustrating.
After I hung up the phone, I put my head in my hands and tried to breathe deep. I thought of how great it would've been if I'd won that huge lottery a couple weeks ago. I thought of how much easier life would be if I had even just a little more money. I imagined a life of being able to count on someone else to be there for me and the kids. Someone who would do what they said every single time. Someone who knew nothing except honesty, support and unconditional love.
I started shaking my head at the time I just wasted thinking such foolish thoughts. I have laundry to do. Some more research for work to finish. And goodness knows my taxes aren't going to file themselves.
How again did I get here? Then it all comes rushing back. And once again I start beating myself up.
Then my phone goes off with a text message.
What now?
Instant relief. I'm reminded I do have Someone in my life with all those qualities I need for both me and the kids. Support, love and truth...it's all there. And when I forget to call on Him for it...He calls on me. Through my friends.
And as if Alex doesn't have enough going on in her own life, she not only took time to listen when God put my name in her ear, but also took the time to let me know.
And knowing me the way He does...He knows I require repetition. Reminders. Consistency.
So after a long day, He contacted me again. This time through my friend Chris.
Chris was my 'adopted little brother' in the fraternity I was a little sister to in college. If you would have told me then that Chris would eventually be a man of God; someone completely dedicated to his beautiful wife and precious kids; a man who would encourage others to do the same...to be honest...well, I would have believed every single word of it. He has always had a genuine heart and generous nature. That's just Chris. Plus he's fun, so you gotta love that. :)
And today, Chris listened when God whispered in his ear to give me a call.
He was on his way to meet his family for what he called their usual Friday night Mexican food dinner and said he thought, "I wonder what exciting things Terri is doing this Friday night" and decided to give me a call. Of course, I completely met his expectations of my Friday night excitement by informing him I was taking out the trash. :)
In the conversation, Chris told me exactly what I needed to hear. Things will happen in God's time and no one elses. I don't need to doubt myself. His plan is perfect. Be patient.
These two friends reminded me God wants me to be happy, but life isn't perfect. We go through trials. We learn. We grow. Sometimes we outgrown certain things. Certain people. Certain circumstances and places.
I need to remember that. And instead of putting my face in my hands, I need to put my hands together, in front of my face while I'm on my knees asking Him for guidance.
So Alex and Chris...thank you, thank you, thank you. What you considered a simple text or call to just check in, actually provided the words I needed to hear, but was unfortunately blocking with my self-doubt. So glad you hear Him better than I do. :)
Always remember and never forget: Difficult times in our lives don't last forever, but true friends do.
