EXCUSES, EXCUSES

Losing weight and getting in shape just doesn't happen fast enough. And it's not just the weight. I was asked the other day how much I weighed and I honestly didn't know. I don't own a scale. I think they, like high-heeled shoes and Girl Scout Cookies, were invented by the devil. As long as I like the way I look in the mirror, I could care less how much I weigh.

Of course, I haven't like the way I look in the mirror for awhile.

And while I know many women who I would LOVE to switch bodies with, they too are unsatisfied with the way they look...for some moronic reason.

For instance...Ang. I'd trade. She'd roll her eyes at me (she's wrong and I can say that here since it's MY blog!). Kim...same thing. **bing** change me! And she too would point out flaws (that aren't there...like Ang). And to both these women, along with many others, I say..."Are you crazy!?"

Why are we so hard on ourselves? And it's not just regarding our weight. We are our own worst critics and when someone else points out or questions one of our "weaknesses", we fold. Start questioning ourselves. Everything. Today a friend told me, "You're obsessing! You're obsessing! You're obsessing! You're obsessing! You're obsessing!" and she was right. Then she followed up with, "But I do the exact same thing when it comes to what you're talking about, so it's easy for me to tell you 'You're obsessing' then I turn around and do the same thing."

I think for women, the goal is to surround yourself with strong women who will bring you up rather than pull you under. We are the ones who send each other cards in the mail (real mail!) for no reason. We text each other little messages to just say, "Good morning! Love you!". We communicate and make sure the other knows how great we think they are. No anniversary needed. Just because.

Can you imagine if we had anniversaries with our friends? We'd be broke!

But back to the weight...I'm desperately waiting, yearning, searching for something that makes me become a fanatic about getting in shape. You know...I finally become so serious about it, it becomes a major way of life. And I know blaming time is an old "excuse", but I do find myself trying to carve out time. It has to be in the evening and I have a gym right here...2 minute walk from door-to-door. For awhile, we (me and kids) were going, then the cold snap and well...way too icy and cold so we stopped. Now, there's no excuse.

I've GOT to do it.

If for nothing else, so I quit talking about it...right?!

I WAS BORN THIS WAY-HEY

I'll be the very first to admit, when Lady Gaga came on the scene...she totally freaked me out. Being that both kids love music...any type...and that I listen to a variety, they get exposed to a lot. Unfortunately for them, just as they may start to like a song that comes on the radio, I figure out the lyrics are inappropriate and boom...station changed. "Awwwww mom!". Sorry...it's my job. Of course, I Shazam it first so I can find it later!

Anyhoo...We were watching the Grammy's the other night when Lady Gaga's performance came on and it was unanimous. We like this song. It gives me energy to do sit-ups throughout the duration of the song, so for that alone...thank you Lady G.

It could be my remembrance of the Material Girl. One of the best concerts...scratch that...shows, I've ever been to. It many ways, Lady Gaga reminds me of how Madonna used to be. A performer vs. the fake, British-wanna be (Hello?! You were born in Michigan!).

Anyway...me likey. Enjoy.




I'm beautiful in my way,
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way.

COFFEE AND CARDIO SHOULD BE BFFs

There's not much more frustrating for me than knowing I have a million things to do and little energy to get it all done. I hate being behind. I hate having too many things on my "to-do" list. And when all this starts happening...I inevitably gain weight.

One would think stress should cause you to LOSE weight. Well, just depends on the source of the stress I suppose.

As a result, I apparently should invest in a coffee company as much as I've been buying lately. Creamer too (cause I gots to have creamer in my coffee!). Still haven't come across the Almond Joy Creamer (TREY!), but did get the next preference...Cinnabon. Um...yummmmmmmy! Trey...just another reason to keep you around! :-) Plus, you've gotta give me pointers on running. Hate it, but need to do it.

Yep...cardio is my next thing to tackle. I've never been and "get on the treadmill and run" type person. Or even just go to the gym, though I do like the gym here at the apartment complex.

Shelby has offered to ride her scooter down the hike and bike trail as I run. DS is telling me just 10-15 minutes a day. Don't think marathons. Good. I'm not.

After Shelby's batting practice this morning, me and another coach decided to stay and hit a few in the baseball cages. I *accidentally* hit off the 70mph batting machine. Thought it was the 50, but of course I wasn't going to back out! Hello?! I let about 4 pitches go by before I even attempted to swing. I was using one of the dad's baseball bats (i.e. way too big and heavy for me), but wasn't going to let that stop me either.
Did I hit? Duh! Did it hurt? Double duh!

So tomorrow when I'm sore and even more tired than usual...it's my own dang fault. Coffee and Ibuprofen will be my BFFs. Now if I could just get someone to serve it to me.

Didn't think so... .

WEEK OF LESSONS RECAP

This past week was the first full week of beautiful weather we have had in a very long time. To say it was overdue would be an understatement.

I enjoyed opening the windows, going for a jog (or two) and just plain smiling about life.

I also learned a few things:


I miss my graphics design background. Which makes me a little rusty at it when requested to do it. Okay a lot. Okay I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Flowers, a $17 rug and a red-hot, electric grill make my terrace very cozy.

Said red grill will stay put together even if you put the nuts on backward.

The person who points out they are backward is the person who has to change them. Ahhhemmmm.

There are idiot people out there who will run into the back of your heel with a shopping cart and not apologize but just say, "Ooops..." and walk off.

There's an amazing little invention called "e-cigarettes" that actually do work to help people quit smoking. Hallelujah! If you smoke...get them!

If my upstairs neighbor drops one more cigarette butt at the bottom of our stairs, my 10 year-old son just may go postal on him.

Broken plans can lead to great plans.

My car looks and smells much, much better when it's professionally cleaned.

Apparently there's an "Almond Joy" flavored coffee creamer out there. I haven't seen it. I think Trey is teasing me.

There's probably a very good reason I haven't found the Almond Joy coffee creamer. God's protecting what would be an instant addiction.

Scout may be part goat as she will eat anything.

My married friends have started weaning me out.

My single friends have started taking me in.

I'm okay with both scenarios.

I'm not scared of possibilities. I'd be more scared if I didn't patiently let them pan-out and then wonder, "What if...?".

That's right...I said 'patient'.

Apparently you can spoil a beta fish named Carter. He's grown to not appreciate having his bowl changed and will swim to the bottom, pout, fake death, you name it...just to let you know.

My kids aren't perfect, but they are perfectly wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing (okay...except the back-talk, when it happens!).

I'm not perfect. Far from it. Never will be. Don't aspire to be.

These moms encouraging their elementary-aged kids to "date" drive me absolutely nuts.

The Bachelor is a train wreck I can't stop watching!

I'm ready for my hair to grow out again.

I'm ready for some other changes...finally.

Nosy people need to get a life and let mine just be.

As long as I remember I'm riding shot-gun, I'll be fine.

TROUBLE TOWN

Perfect day to listen to this song (once I got past the allergy/sinus headache and could finally run a couple errands!) with the windows down and this turned up really loud. Ahhhhhhhhh....

THIS

It's 6:30 and I'm telling you...I could fall asleep for the night right now. I'm wiped out.

And as exhausted as I am, the past few days have reminded me every detour God gives us is, in fact, all part of His plan. Yes there's free will. Yes we make our own choices: good and bad. Question it. Research it. Reason it. But He has a plan for us to be faithful in, so as long as I turn it all over to Him...it will all be taken care of.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I don't consider myself completely all-together with things that have come my way in this life, but I'm getting more and more "okay" with not being the one at the steering wheel. As I keep getting reminded...I'm second. And after that...it takes me to complete me. No one else. Who knew I'd grow to be okay with that?! Me and these two kids equal a complete life. Anyone else who comes along is going to have to adhere to a fairly high-bar. Especially since I have two precious little people in my life I'm charged with making sure have only the best people around them. And I mean only the best.

I will keep trusting He has a plan for me. For my kids. And everything will be just fine.

So, here's to all the detours I've run into along the way. Every one I questioned at the time:

• Every stoplight I didn't make;
• Every chance I did or I didn't take;
• All the nights I went too far;
• All the ones who broke my heart;
• All the doors that I had to close;
• All the things I knew but I didn't know;
• Thank God for all I missed
• Cause it led me here to this....

Maybe Darius (aka Hootie!) can say it better than I:

I WON'T LET GO

At 3:00 p.m. yesterday, I could have predicted what was going to happen later on that night.

As soon as her cute little self closed the car door, she nervously said, "Mom...you are never going to guess what we did today. We Googled bad people in our area and there's a guy who hurts kids and lives near us."

Ohhhhhh great. And WHAT in the world were they doing be allowed to Google THAT?

So later that night I put her down, kissed her sweet face and she said it: "I'm scared, Mommy". I assured her we were safe. Lived in a safe place. It even has a gate around it. The doors have two locks and absolutely no way was mommy going to let anything happen to them.

She fell asleep.

About 30 minutes later, a light knock on my door. "Mom?" I hear in a really soft voice.

But it wasn't who I thought it would be. It was Ben.

He is notorious for getting melancholy late at night. Kind of a stall technique. But he always says the sweetest things when he's reminiscing, it's happening less and less these days (thankfully), and it only lasts about 5 minutes, so I take the time to listen to him instead of shooing him back to bed like I used to do. And that's about all it took and he was back in bed and sound asleep for the rest of the night.

But around 2:00 a.m. came the second little voice. She was shaking, her voice quivering and she was nervous to even come in there for fear I might not allow her to go to her friend's birthday party/sleepover on Saturday night. All she got out of her mouth was, "Mommy...I'm so sorry, but..." and I scooped her up and snuggled her in my bed. She started sobbing and was just shaking. It broke my heart.

I remember being that young and having fears that totally overcame me. It's so easy to say, "There is nothing to be afraid of. I'm going to protect you so just go to sleep". It's a whole other thing to believe it at such a young age.

It's tough business being a kid! Even tougher being an adult, but at least our brains are equipped with experience and knowledge. So we keep showing, not just telling, them that everything will work out for the best. Thankfully, I truly believe they have faith that it will also. They know without a doubt they are loved.


Always remember and never forget: There is no way to be a perfect parent, and a million ways to be a great one.

And imagine that...Rascal Flatts has a song just for the occasion...

20 MINUTES = OUCH

Oh Jillian Michaels...
One word: OUCH!

Either I'm just THAT out of shape or you have choreographed 20 minutes of strength and cardio that simply kick a**.

Or maybe it's a little of both.

Laugh if you want that 20 minutes could make legs, abs and well...everything...that sore, but my guess is you probably haven't tried it if you're laughing at The Shred.

Just getting prepped for the batting cages, my friends...

If you haven't heard, opening day is just around the corner.

WORDS ARE THE VOICE OF THE HEART

You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another.
There is nothing free except the grace of God.

I love that quote. And while the subject matter doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm writing about...the fact it's a great quote does. Some quotes or words you hear and they instantly bury themselves in your head and your heart. They dig in and make themselves at home. You remember when you heard them. Where you heard them. The way it sounded. The way you felt. It's just that simple.

Others you can hear a million times and then one day go, "Ohhhhhhh! I get it!". Maybe it just never applied to you before so you didn't listen too close. Maybe it just took that long to make sense. Maybe you were having a blond moment, as I often get accused of having. Whatever the case...I'm a quote girl. Give me your words.

Written. Said. Implied. It's all good.

I've gotten better at reading between the lines, but since that is always a dangerous game to play, I'm much more comfortable with the straight-forward approach. Some people are uncomfortable with saying what they are thinking, but I find it extremely refreshing and honest. That's right...say what you mean and mean what you say. Gee...I've never said that before, have I? It will 'wow' me every, single, blasted time.

And I love it when people's words and thoughts start to tie closely together the more time you spend with each other. You end up getting some kind of "mojo" working. For example: me and Ang. Can't tell you how many times I've been thinking, "I need to call her" and my phone will ring or a text will come through. Or vice versa. And every time we are a little "wow'd" and say, "That is so weird...I was literally picking up the phone to call you." Or when she's on the road traveling to Houston, *inevitably* I will call her when she has stopped to go to the restroom (TMI maybe, but it's true). I'm telling you people it never fails! I think it's happened 50 times if it's happened once.

Science would call it "telepathy: the transfer of information on thoughts or feelings between individuals by means other than the 'five classic senses' ". Others call it "a God thing". I prefer the latter because Ang and I have never tried to transfer this info; it just happens. Plus, I love noticing God-things without having to be hit over the head with a hammer. When He says, "Hello...I'm trying to tell you something" and I answer, "I actually heard you this time...are you shocked?! And by the way...thank you".

Or when you are in a conversation with someone and they dang near quote something you said while with someone else and you know there's no way they could have been privy to the info, so you just kind of stop, stare and say, "I'm sorry...what did you just say?!". I get chills when that happens. Especially if it keeps happening. Absolutely love it. See? No hammer required.

I guess my love of words, communication and knowing where I stand (and moreover where I want to stand) are reasons I love to write so much. Get it out of my head and make room for something else to take up that space.

And while I've had quite the swirling brain of thoughts lately; some thoughts are very, very clear...thankfully.

I know what makes me smile. I know what doesn't. I know how to love my kids and learn new things every day that make them smile. I know if I take the time to look at things through their young, untainted eyes...I'm able to view situations much more clearly. Innocently. Lovingly. Fairly. Did I mention thankfully?

Though so.

LISTS, GOALS AND PRECIOUS LITTLE PEOPLE

I was determined to have a productive day today. I had a list of items to complete, including having to work (which will also be completed tonight after kiddos are in bed) and a short amount of time to fit it all into.

We all have days like that.

You know what they say: The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

No kidding.

Good news is I got it all done. It just took more effort than I planned. And it started with a series of events I wasn't counting on coming my way. No problem. Deal and move on, right?

Then it hit. I met with someone who asked me to set a series of goals for myself. Goals of the woman I want to be. The mother I want to be. The friend I want to be. The role model I want to be. The partner I want to be. Everything.

As we sat there talking, it must have been obvious from the look on my face I hadn't come as far as I'd thought I had. "Don't doubt yourself!" she almost yelled, leaning toward me. I thought she was going to come off her chair. "That attitude and talk ends today."

"What?"

"The doubt and talk of you not giving yourself enough credit. Where you are giving power over to others who don't know the whole story. They couldn't possibly. People who make assumptions, most very off base, about a life that isn't any of their business and you're right in that you don't have to explain. I have seen a huge change in you over the past two years. HUGE! Now we are going to make you see it too and to heck with everyone else!" I have to admit. That part made me laugh.

I have absolutely no idea why I care what other people think I am doing in my life. Why they feel the need to make asumptions. Ask personal questions. I know what I'm doing and I'm perfectly at peace with it. "It is well with my soul..." as the song goes.

I DO know why I doubt myself. Why my confidence stinks. Why trust is huge bag I've been lugging around and placing in between me and situations/people. I'm ready to take people and things at face value, but I keep getting reminded of the "sneaky" and game-playing.

I know setting the goals will help. Actually writing them down on paper. It just feels like taking 10 steps back to take one step forward. You gotta start somewhere, right? And at least I am take a proactive step versus sitting around just waiting for something to happen. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I kept asking one question: "How?"

And the answer was the same: "You just keep trying. You're closer than you think."

For the most part, I am proud of "me". I'm anxious to have that mind-over-matter attitude many others I know seem to possess. I'll get there. In THAT I actually am confident about. Just *impatient* me wants it to happen yesterday. As Kim would say, "Shocker!".

I'm thankful these two precious little people keep me as focused as they do. Oh my word am I thankful for them. Even when the little stinker in them comes out, I'm reminded they're just kids. Going through an adjustment like I am. And...one day, this will all be a blur. Somewhat anyway. I read a quote yesterday that said, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place."

I remember exactly why so I'll keep on keeping on. Very worth it indeed.

Always remember and never forget: I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. ~Jimmy Dean

SUPER BOWL PAR-TAY

Watching the television just now, they are showing almost every celebrity here in our Big D walking into the Super Bowl. Not to mention clips from all the parties last night.

I remember we used to go to Super Bowl parties...it was just a given. Of course, Dallas was in quite a few of them, so even more reason to celebrate.

Yesterday, with the sun finally out and two silly kids in a great mood, we made some chili in the afternoon and just hung out. As I look forward to tonight, and doing exactly what I did last year, I'm making my grocery list for what the kids and I traditionally eat this fine day.

Queso
Chips
Big Red
Brownies

What? It's tradition!

I had the chance to go to one of those parties in Downtown last night, but just couldn't see it. Call me old (don't you dare), but the roads were starting to get slick again and all I could think of was getting home. Plans had unfortunately started falling apart early on of what I had planned on and what I had really wanted to do. And now the plans being offered vs. the plans I had thought were going to happen were at two totally different ends of the spectrum and I couldn't wrap my head around that drastic of a change.

See? I'm boring. :-)

And if boring is watching the Super Bowl with two awesome kids, eating queso, drinking Big Red and laughing at the commercials...then I'm thrilled with the title. Bring it on.

The diet starts tomorrow...:-)

WORDS ACCORDING TO SHELBY

We call them "Shelbyisms". Things she says, words she makes up...anything that is funny and I want to remember forever. Obviously, this isn't all of them. but sweet girl...you crack me up!

I've decided my new name is Yo-Yo.

Have you ever wondered what's inside a bowling ball?

If I don't become a jockey when I grow up, I'm just going to win the lottery. And I'll buy a ranch. And you can live there. If you babysit my kids. Okay?

When you rub my feet it gives me good chillybumps.

Where's the merote so I can turn on the tv?

You wanna fustle?! (aka wrestle)

I didn't think I'd like exparagus, but I do!

"Hey Shelby, why don't we do your homework now?"..."Yeah mom...like that's gonna happen!"

Mommy...did you know you're the best mom I've ever had?

Come here and gimme some sugahhhhhhhh!

When I'm older, I'm just going to take over Giada's house and her show. That'll be fun.

You know what you get when you go camping on Friday the 13th and see a bear?..."what?"...Mom! You shouldn't go camping on Friday the 13th! That's not lucky!......whaaaaaa???? :-)

OH HOW I LOVE THIS KID!

THINGS MOTHERS LEARN

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot decide for you.
I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about drink, but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.

...Author Unknown

MAKING MY OWN TRACKS

I've said it before...I love a fresh blanket of snow and everything it symbolizes.

Last night (and into today) we got a whole lotta snow! And it is simply gorgeous.

As I was taking Scout out earlier, I found myself doing what I've always done. Ever since I was a kid. I walked in the steps someone else had already made. When I was young, I never wanted to mess up any more of the smooth snow as needed to be. I guess it just always stuck with me.

Then tonight, I heard steps behind me and when I turned to look, a stranger coming from one of the apartments and heading to his car said, "What are you doing?! This is your chance! Don't walk in someone elses steps...make your own tracks!" and he laughed, got in his car and left.

Of course he was just talking about having fun in the snow. But I took away much more than that...of course.
Imagine that.

As easy as it seems to make your own tracks, it can be tough. I knew this stage of my life would have it's challenging moments, but I never could have imagined the roller coaster it's been. I've never felt so under the microscope. So judged. And while it's probably my imagination, for the most part, I know some of it's not.

The little comments and questions don't go unnoticed, though I've gotten good at laughing them off.

A friend told me last night, "You know T...most people in the position to judge, don't." True. Very true.

So as I make my own tracks, I know they may not be the tracks others would take, but I do them with the best of intentions. There is no guidebook. And while others may watch and think how they'd do it differently, and albeit maybe even better than I, every decision I make concerns my kids and my well-being. And that I can say with the utmost honesty.

Because I want to make sure I keep my focus intact, I'm not at all embarrassed to say I still get to talk with a third party about everything going on in my life (though not as often as I'd like!). She's a wonderful Christian counselor and it is liberating to be able to tell someone absolutely everything, not be judged, then get solid opinions and some guideposts of what is 'normal' and not for someone in my position. While I may not be as vocal about my visits with her, she's still part of my life. Thankfully.

My newest challenge is telling people "it's none of your business". You don't even have to use those words to let people know they've crossed the line into something you aren't comfortable talking about. If I am comfortable talking about something personal, then *I* will bring it up. Trust me. For some reason, people feel they can ask and say things that are...well...over the line sometimes. And then have the nerve to get angry and offended when I don't feel like it's a question or comment I should be expected to acknowledge.

It's made me more aware of others lives and why the good Lord gave me two ears and only one mouth. I've had the privilege of being able to be a shoulder for many friends who are going through some difficulties of their own and who know I won't share it with their other friends. Most importantly, they know I would never judge. Everyone has their own things going on in their lives and while I may not understand some of the choices they make, I have come to realize through my own circumstances, that the choices other people make aren't mine to understand anyway. God gave me my own life to deal with. I don't know what all played a part in certain decisions and would never assume to.

But I do assume they either made the decision with the best of intentions concerning their family or maybe they were human and given the chance, would make another choice next time. Either way, it's not my business. It is my business to be their friend and always encourage them to make their own tracks, just as I'm trying to do though.

I've been very blessed with a group of friends God gave me who are encouraging and not judgemental. Thankfully. And as I make my own, fresh line of tracks, they continue to tell me, "Great job!". When I get a little off course, they are still there saying, "No big deal...bound to happen. Keep going!" And through this, my kids are learning how to make their own tracks. And it's been an honor to watch them do it so well.

As I look back on the tracks I've made so far, I definitely see room for improvement. But I'm also able to hold my head high and say, "I'm doing my best" and tomorrow is another day to keep trying. Just like everyone else.

Always remember and never forget: The one who walks in anothers steps, leaves no footprints.

I CALL SHOTGUN!

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31)

"You still think you're driving, don't you?" He inquires.

"No," I admit. "I'm not. Sometimes I just forget."

There's nothing like peace coming into your life in the middle of a storm. I'm coming to realize I've actually been creating many of the storms in my life simply by trying to control situations I have no business trying to control. Or rather, can not control and all the effort I put into it ends up futile and very disappointing when results don't turn out as I'd hoped. I'm learning I have no say-so in certain situations, even though I may have thought I did. He reminds me, "Nope...not yours. Next!"

Every once in awhile, He gives me choices in paths and even then, I hear His all-knowing voice advising me between right and wrong. Intelligent choices and, well...not so intelligent. His hands are firmly on the wheel of my life and I'm constantly being reminded I'm riding shotgun.

I'm beginning to be more and more surprised at just how much I have loved giving this control over to Him. I'm enjoying not "owning" various circumstances in my life. Not that I don't have accountability. I do. But I've learned I can only be responsible for so much and no more. As long as my kids, my well-being and those I love hold the prime spots in my life and I try to do my best as far as treating every single person I come across fairly...that's all I can do.

Hic-ups happen. We simply cannot avoid them and for a long time when they would happen, I'd consider myself as having done something wrong. If an unintentional hic-up disappointed someone in my life, I'd feel horrible. And still do, to a degree as I never want to disappoint. But I now know, even under the best of intentions, this will happen in life. And showing my kids how to respond when it does is the good I'm going to make out of it. I can apologize and try and make it right, but ultimately, after that, I've got to let it go.

I've had several hic-ups the past few days...who doesn't?! I'm just now getting what many of you already get. Try and make it right, then move on. He has put many paths in my life and all of them need attention. And if you know me at all, you know I do my best at giving those things I choose to commit to my all. I learned to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't" a few years ago when volunteering at school got to be too much. ANY mom who has volunteered knows you can overextend yourself if you don't watch it. I did and I've now learned saying "No" doesn't mean I don't want to; it means if I can't give you 110%, I don't consider it fair. So, I'd rather under-promise and over-deliver.

Being in the position I'm in now with two active kiddos, I've learned to manage my schedule fairly successfully. Like I said, every once in awhile a surprise pops up, but panic doesn't set in. Do your best and the rest will fall into place.

So much peace has come with this way of thinking. You never know when you will have the opportunity to reach into anothers life and show them a little peace. It could be a smile to a stranger in the next car at the stop light, a text or call just to say "Hope you are having a great day!", or a simple note.

While I've yet to perfect this mantra, it's been an experiment of sorts making it happen. With the help of dear friends, it's made it so much easier.

I never thought I'd be made to be more vulnerable in order to be stronger. So scary and yet so amazing. I have absolutely no idea what is coming next...but that's okay. For once, I'm okay with just seeing what happens. (Of course you know I'm going to have to analyze a 'little' of it! I mean...that's just ME!).

DON'T YOU DARE

"So why don't you just make a list?"

"What do you mean? Like a Pros and Cons list?" I asked.

"Exactly. That will tell you exactly what to do."

"It's not that simple. I know which column would have more in it. It's the unknown that gets me. There should be a third column. A 'TBA' column."

"Leaving the potential out there, huh?"

"What I mean is I'm going by how I view things now. Today. I know I may change my view of what a Pro is and what a Con is later and vice-versa. My brain as it is today isn't 100% sure of what it thinks about a lot of things, that's the problem. There are just too many variables right now. I'm adjusting my way of thinking so a list won't work. The way I was thinking over the past few years isn't the way I want to exist anymore. And I do see changes already since I'm being aware and making a conscience effort. In the past, my heart took over in situations my head should have been in charge of. My opinions on what is a Pro and a Con change now. I know that sounds strange and possibly inconsistent, but it's the truth. For instance, what used to be a Con to me a year ago, now is like, 'That's not necessarily a deal breaker.' " I explained.

Long pause.

She stared at me trying to understand my awkward interpretation of my thought process. I realize it sounded 'out there', but decided to stand by what seemed to turn into a soliliquy on my part by not trying to explain it further.

"Well...you're in a pickle then. Because I know what I'd do."

"Oh really?! I'm almost scared to ask."

"I'd just keep coasting. Why do you have to decide anything right now? I mean, what's the hurry? You've got nothing but time. Enjoy it. Try to anyway. Just have fun."

I thought about it. I've never been a good coaster. I'm a much better planner. And maybe that's my problem. Or at least part of it. I need to just 'be' right now.

So how in the world does one do that? Just decide to change your brain into a totally different way of thinking? Decide you're not going to worry about certain things you used to worry about. Decide to deliberately take things out of your thought process and just let them be. That requires shutting off some emotions, to a degree. I guess that's not a bad thing... .

"So just WHAM I just stop thinking things out?" I laughed as I asked what seemed to be a crazy question.

"No. There's no 'wham", but you can work on it. Just don't think about everything so much. You can decide it's something you want to change and then just keep reminding yourself. You keep saying you want to be more like that, so work on it. It's the perfect opportunity for you to do it. This is your time," she said convincingly.

"I don't know if..." I started to answer.

"Don't you dare say you don't know if you can do it," She interrupted me. "I've seen you do plenty over the past couple years. Things you never thought you could do or would ever have to do. You CAN do it. You just need to ask yourself how important of a change it is for you to make. Is it really something you want to change about yourself and will it be worth the effort once you do?"

WHAM.

See...sometimes there's a 'wham'.