ME AND SQUARE-ONE ARE GETTING TO BE BESTIES

I'm curious about something: At what point do we learn from our mistakes and STOP repeating them?

I'm a smart person. I've had many experiences in my lifetime. Given these two items alone...I should be able to say to myself, "Hey...that didn't turn out so well before, it probably won't again...back up and take another path."

So why do I do it? Was the pain from the first mistakes not enough? I'm fairly sure that isn't the reason. Do I not recall what a poor choice it was last time? No...I remember vividly it wasn't good. So what finally makes us say, "NO...not going there!" and mean it? Stick to it. No matter what.

A friend told me today it's because in a way, I have the 'heart of a child'. WHAT? "Listen to me, Terri before you get all uppity..." (me??). "What I mean is you believe the best in people. You forgive easily. Sometimes too easily, if you ask me. And this sometimes causes you to hurt easily. Should you toughen up? Yes. But who couldn't use to toughen up a bit, especially us women. Just understand you won't do it overnight and don't even try to. Just realize it's a work in progress and you're true friends won't go anywhere. Because we all...and I mean ALL...have things we need to work on."

I don't want to be so thin-skinned. Honestly. I don't want to carry my baggage around for the world to see and take it out on people who had nothing to do with packing it in the first place. I know I've done that and while I can apologize all day about it, I'm tired of doing so. As in tired of being so defensive I throw up my wall and go into attack mode. "Oh no...I won't be talked to/treated like that again...that leads to me feeling horrible..." when nothing of the sort was even happening in the first place. I just get defensive. And I realize my insecurities are just that...MINE. I own them. No one else. The whole, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent..." quote comes to mind here.

"Terri, lighten up..." is a comment that keeps getting said to me. And I hear it. And I want to. I'm just trying to figure out HOW. Patience is something I have very little of, yet I'm asking for it from others. And trying to apply it in my own life. One day at a time...again.

So again, I tell myself I've got things to work on. Again I am reminded I'm far, far from perfect and know while I never will be perfect...I'd like to be better than the woman I am today. I'm not actually trying to chase away good people in my life. Unfortunately, there are consequences to my attitude right now. I've always been stubborn (I know, I know) and now...it's magnified.

What can I say...I'm a work in progress.

Always remember and never forget: Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. As questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.