SURRENDER

Has anyone ever called you a particular term and you think, "Yeah right. I must have just done/said something...just this once...to make them think that." Only to discover (finally) the term is so extremely, outrageously, embarrassingly true.

People...nice to meet you...I'm a control freak.

And I actually looked this term up (of course I did...hello? Control freak!) because I guess I always thought it meant you both liked being in control and wanted to be in control of every aspect. Not the case.

Therefore, it really fits me.

I actually do NOT want to be this way. There are many, many things I do NOT want to be in control of. Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You can be in charge of everything I don't care about or screw up on" and I immediately started laughing like "What an incredibly pompous thing to say". Then, after thinking about it, my opinion shifted to "Actually, sounds kinda good to me...".

And I would love to be more spontaneous. I'm so scared I'm holding my kids back from adventures they should be taking but aren't due to my being afraid of what may happen. Of course, there's a line. But I want them to explore. To have fun.

"Why do you over think things so much?". Ummmmmmmm...I just want to make sure I'm exploring all angles so I know I've eliminated all aspects of negativity/danger. ::::blank stare:::: Then it was like I stepped out of my body, heard what I said and went, "Whaaaaaaaaaaat??? Are you serious?!!".

So when do you decide it's okay to let go? When is it appropriate to just go, "Whatever...here I go."?

I think it can be held in direct proportion to the probability of someone getting hurt. If it's only you, and you're okay with the possibility of getting hurt, then it's only your fear holding you back.

And that's where I get lost. Fear of WHAT exactly? There are very few things I'm interested in doing that actually have the potential of causing death! So really...what's my hold-up? ME. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone. And why? I do not want to look back on my life and wish I'd taken a chance at something.

Part of the 'fear' comes from feeling like I live my life in a fish bowl. Too many people watching. Questioning. Judging. At some point I'm going to press my face up against the glass and yell, "Move onto the next bowl and leave me alone already!"

I have the perfect opportunity to experiment with letting go at this point in my life. Obviously, my kids are my primary concern, but they have absolutely nothing to do with most of my fears of spontaneity. I would never do anything that would endanger them...obviously.

Maybe I'll gain a crazy amount of self-confidence soon and be the kind of person I really want to be. No regrets. Not caring what anyone is saying or thinking.

Maybe.....