In My Face

When I work from home, my morning ritual after I drop the kiddos off at school is to take about 30 minutes to drink my coffee and watch Good Morning America.

On one such day, Bethanny Frankel was on. I'm not much of a "Real Housewives..." watcher, but I do like her.

She described herself as someone who doesn't have a filter. I related.

I used to be a lot like that. I'm sure some would say I'm still like that, to a degree. And maybe I am. But I think as I've grown, I filter more things that come out of my mouth or that I would have shared in the past. Now I'm less like to share as much. It gets thrown back in my face as if I'm not allowed to change my mind and I don't get that, so I've found it better for me to 'filter' my words/thoughts/feelings.

Aside from above...I'm beginning to think I've filtered a bit too many areas of my life.

As for the talking part, I'm better at keeping my mouth shut, for sure.This has actually put the damper on friendships sometimes, but I know now it's just part of it. Assume what you want. I know what I'm doing is the right thing to do.

I'm looking to try and get back a part of me I lost a long time ago. Funny thing is... I'm not entirely sure what part that is. I just know it's gone and I want it back in a desperate way.

I know part of it is my own personal ambitions. I've put other people and things way ahead of myself for a long time. I'm just now realizing I don't have to put myself last in order to put others first. Go figure...

My career, title, salary used to be on a different scale of importance than it is now. These days I'm more interested in doing something that allows me to be a full-time mom to my kids while still chasing a dream on the side. I continually get that feeling of being overloaded, but it's always suppressed by the fact this is temporary and a dream doesn't come true without hard work.

I used to take a lot better care of myself than I do now. This is probably the thing that keeps rolling around in my head the most. If I don't take care of me, how can I be a good mom? How can I do anything? This changes NOW.

My focus has to be narrowed. I can't worry about why others do what they do, say what they say, etc... .

It's time to focus on me a little more. Again, not in a selfish way, but in a "betterment" way. And by doing so, I know my kids will benefit in ways I can't even begin to imagine. And I know dreams will start to be realized and I will make both myself and them proud.

Thanks to someone for bringing this to my attention in the only way it would really GET my attention. You done good.