I heard "vulnerable" described yesterday as 'creating an opening to bring something in'. And the challenge within this is how we let go. We aren't certain of what or who we are letting in, because that's when we rely on the trust factor.
Is this experience going to produce positive results? Is this person going to deceive me? All we can control is ourselves. Our own choices to do right or wrong. And then make up for the wrong we do. At least that's what the conscious-given human being does. And, of course, that haunting choice to be vulnerable or not.
The older we get, the tougher the choices. The more things and people these choices have a chance of affecting. Our lives becomes a web stretching far and wide. It both purposely and inadvertently catches a vast array of circumstances, people, experiences and emotions. The limitless boundaries of this web astound me every single day. The world we live in is so incredibly small and connected. I really had no idea, until recently.
I'm told I have walls up. But, I knew this. Hello?! It took me a long time to construct those walls! You think I don't know they're there? I put them there on purpose. I built them strong.
Only thing is...now I'm not sure how to get them down. Slowly. I'm not interested in them coming down too far anytime soon. But I'm afraid if I start to even take them down just a little, the walls themselves will become too vulnerable to keep out what I *still* want kept out. At least for now. I can't afford for them to collapse right now and while my heart feels the need to apologize to certain people about this, my head says they understand and not to over-analyze their presence. If I'm important in their life, and them in mine, they will all be there when the walls come tumbling down. And they will celebrate with me. Maybe I'll even trust them to help chip away at the walls in time. We'll see... .
There's obviously a generous payback when you are vulnerable in the right situations. These days I find myself really analyzing situations which may have even the slightest possibility of sneaking up and biting me. Probably because I've been bitten a few too many times lately. I don't want to become pessimistic or a "glass half empty" person. But for now I simply see my behavior as cautious.
Which is tough because my heart is generally what I go with, instead of my head. My heart wants to believe the best in situations and in people. It wants to help others. It wants to be generous. But my head is sneaking in a lot more lately and saying, "Slow down...this has little red flags all over it". And when my head watches actions take place over words that were said...it tells my heart to look the other way. Now's not the time. No matter what the words say, actions speak volumes louder.
And so I'm not shy about getting advice from my "go-to" people during these times.They know my story. My character. My life. We are there for each other...always. They know what's at stake and want only what is best for me and my two kiddos. They tell it to me like it is. And that's the way I like it.
Just this past weekend, I was told, "You are very straightforward. You're kind of intimidating me." I had to laugh. My response, "You need to be straightforward too. It will save us time." Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's just that easy.
So while many things are worth the risk, my kids' future and my ability to be everything I'm supposed to be as their mom just isn't one of them. I've said before: I'm a "Momma Bear" and most (but not all) moms I know are the same way.
We instinctively protect our young. Kind of like we finally learn to protect ourselves...when necessary. Why is it we instinctively protect others, but sometimes leave ourselves out in the elements without even so much as thinking, "This isn't right. Take up for yourself! Don't be a doormat!"? But you have to watch the line that changes you into being defensive...apparently. So your baggage doesn't get heaped on someone else who had nothing to do with packing those dang bags. And to be honest...I'm quite tired of carrying these bags around. Especially over and around the wall. So...somethings gotta go. Right?
Think I need to start lightening my load. And I know what the first thing to go will be. Thankfully. I know.
Always remember and never forget: Sometimes we build walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down. And then other times...they are marked with a bold "No Trespassing" sign!
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