WHITE-KNUCKLED ON THE ROPE

In three weeks, I turn another year older.

Age, or the number I have to say aloud every now-and-then, has never bothered me. At least not until recently.

I know why. I'm extremely confident in "the why". And I hate it.

Seems I'm constantly being surprised in life and I.Don't.Like.Surprises. I like to plan. Prepare. Deal. Count on the honesty of others. Could be God's trying to tell me something. Could be some people don't care about consequences. Could be I'm over-analyzing it.

While I've never been an overly-confident person, these days I find I'm extremely tough on myself. I know I'm a good person, but I've been given reason to believe I may not be good 'enough'. And let me tell you, that is one tough blow to the ego.

Yeah, yeah. I know, "No one can make me feel bad about myself unless I allow them to." We've all read the quote. But when you are constantly being fired at, something has got to give.

So here I am. Knowing I can't continue this way. Unsure of what to do. Confident in one thing: I have to do something. Anything. Different.

Someone told me today, "Terri...sometimes you've got to be a jerk. And what I mean by that is you have got to take up for yourself and by your definition, that means you are being a 'jerk'. And while that's not the true definition, it's how you see it. It's actually setting standards for yourself, not accepting less and by doing so, you will feel better about yourself." Easier said than done for me. Though I'm starting to see reason to turn.

I've learned people can be mean. Cruel, in fact. Very cruel. If by losing my confidence I have learned anything, it's I will never be a cruel person. I am caring. Forgiving...sometimes to a fault. And sometimes...very stupid because of the two aforementioned characteristics. It's a rare occasion I put myself in front of others.

I am at the scariest part of my life right now. Everyone I know has their 'someone' to turn to and say, "What do you think I should do?" and I don't have that right now. And maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I need to just rely on me.

See? Scary.