That's right. Not just a regular epiphany. BIG. HUGE.
As I KNOW I've mentioned, I have always been the type who has to be hit over the head before I "get it".
Tonight it happened. And regarding a major part of my life.
Ben got up after bed time. Though they both went to bed early tonight for repeatedly getting up last night. So when he got up, I thought, "this better be good."
He told me sometimes when he's awake, he's worrying about me. He said he wants to take care of me and is worried something will happen to me. "What would I do if something happened to you? I want to take care of you and I'm not always around."
Yes...very sweet. He has always (always) been a sensitive soul. But he's also just trying to stay awake.
However, I took the opportunity to address the re-occurring topic of him wanting to be "the man".
I reminded him again of how the best way for him to take care of things is to listen to me. To trust me. And when I say I need for him to be a 10 year old boy, having fun, playing, studying...just being...I need him to trust me on that. It is very much Ben's nature to be a nurturer. It's just part of who he is. But I need him to be my 10 year old son. That's it. I told him it was my job to do the worrying, if and when it needs to be done. It's my job to be the one who thinks about that. Not his. He needs to become okay with that. He needs to turn that worry and responsibility over to me. It's part of being a mom. And I'm blessed with it and so okay with it. More than that...it's part of why I became a mom. I want it and one day he will too. And when he's a dad, he will want his kids to be as carefree as possible.
He said, "You're right. I will. And I do trust you and love you so much. I'm sorry mom."
That's when it happened.
The voice in my head. Loud-and-clear.
"He gets it. Why don't you?"
I'm sorry...what?
"That's right. He gets where the authority is. When are you going to stop trying so desperately to either control events you have no control over or stress over if they will happen or not? That's MY job, not yours. You are being equally stubborn and neglectful of who is in charge here."
"You are my child, but you won't trust me with the control. I cherish the role, as you do with Ben, but you won't let me do my job."
I gave someone similar advice a long time ago. I remember everything about it. The room we were in. Where we were standing. What we were looking at. I told them, "Why are you worrying about something that may never happen? You'll have enough to worry about if it does. Until then, you're wasting time and energy."
I don't really know if the advice was taken, but even today...it's sound.
It took my 10 year old to get it through to my very, thick skull. As usual...he's teaching me about life. As is his little sister. And I'm not so arrogant to know that, in fact, I DON'T know everything and still have a lot to learn.
I'm so incredibly blessed. It is well with my soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment