I was completely unprepared for him. While we had been trying for him for years, and four previous times thought we actually had him, I found was not equipped mentally for his arrival. My friend Ang told me at my shower that I still didn't believe I was going to have a baby and probably wouldn't until he was born and they handed him to me. She couldn't have been more right. Afterall, we had been given the hope four previous times, only to have it mercilessly snatched away. I was waiting for another cruel ending.
Instead, I got handed the most healthy, beautiful baby boy. And I had no idea what to do with him. I loved him instantly, don't get me wrong. I sincerely believe I was in shock that such a colossal dream had finally come true.
Over the past 10 years, I have learned so much from and because of this boy. As we get ready to celebrate his first decade on this earth, it takes my breath away that it's been that long. It's gone by too fast and I desperately want it to slow down. Why do the days seemingly go by so slow, but the years speed by like a blur? I just want to tie a lasso around time and secure it to a tree stump in a futile attempt to stall it.
He is the most compassionate person I've ever met. His capacity for love is overwhelming. His need for it is equally part of who he is.
Last night in bed, we were talking about the fact it's already been 10 years and how I couldn't believe it. He said, "Well, at least we have 10 more years. And 10 more after that. And after that!" I agreed and true to form, my sensitive son started envisioning the future. He asked, "You'll always be with me, right Mom?". I answered, "Of course! You're stuck with me!". Then out of the blue, he starts crying. When I asked why, he said, "I'll miss you when you're not. I don't ever want to be without you." I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and he said, "But that's God's decision, right?". I agreed it was, but that I'd had many talks with God and asked Him to let me at least be a Great Grandmother, so I planned on being around awhile. Trying to lighten his sweet soul, I started joking with him about what he and his friends had planned to do for his birthday (baseball game and sleepover). Being that he's also one of the most resiliant people I've ever met, he joined in and we found laughter.
But what he said touched me so deeply. My love for him runs through his veins and out his very breath, and I'm fulfilled beyond belief that he knows it and appreciates it. This kid STILL runs out to me after school and gives me a huge hug. In front of his friends and everything! In fact, his friends have been known to run with him and we all hug and crack up laughing. Someone please take a picture of this someday! I ask you...how lucky am I?!!
At least where our kids are concerned, you get what you give and we have always been very affectionate with both of them. Hugs. Kisses (regular, butterfly, eskimo, polar bear, funky...we've got a variety!). Hand-holding. Words. So they are, in turn, the same way.
Ben's wife and future kids are going to be incredibly blessed to have him. I know every day we are teaching him what kind of adult to be, whether we are trying to or not! And sometimes, I wish he weren't paying as close attention to me as he does because I make mistakes. But we talk (and I listen) a lot and I cherish it. That's all he really wants. Presence vs. presents. Okay...he wants those too! :-)
So, thank you God for my first decade with Ben. PLEASE find a way to slow time a little. Every single day I have with this soul is precious. I can't remember life without him and can't imagine how empty it would be if I hadn't been somehow trusted with this little piece of heaven here on earth. He is a glimpse of what you have in store and I can't fathom what I did to deserve him.
Happy 10th Birthday, Ben the Bunny. I love you more than you will ever know.
xoxoxo, Mommy
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