DON'T YOU DARE

"So why don't you just make a list?"

"What do you mean? Like a Pros and Cons list?" I asked.

"Exactly. That will tell you exactly what to do."

"It's not that simple. I know which column would have more in it. It's the unknown that gets me. There should be a third column. A 'TBA' column."

"Leaving the potential out there, huh?"

"What I mean is I'm going by how I view things now. Today. I know I may change my view of what a Pro is and what a Con is later and vice-versa. My brain as it is today isn't 100% sure of what it thinks about a lot of things, that's the problem. There are just too many variables right now. I'm adjusting my way of thinking so a list won't work. The way I was thinking over the past few years isn't the way I want to exist anymore. And I do see changes already since I'm being aware and making a conscience effort. In the past, my heart took over in situations my head should have been in charge of. My opinions on what is a Pro and a Con change now. I know that sounds strange and possibly inconsistent, but it's the truth. For instance, what used to be a Con to me a year ago, now is like, 'That's not necessarily a deal breaker.' " I explained.

Long pause.

She stared at me trying to understand my awkward interpretation of my thought process. I realize it sounded 'out there', but decided to stand by what seemed to turn into a soliliquy on my part by not trying to explain it further.

"Well...you're in a pickle then. Because I know what I'd do."

"Oh really?! I'm almost scared to ask."

"I'd just keep coasting. Why do you have to decide anything right now? I mean, what's the hurry? You've got nothing but time. Enjoy it. Try to anyway. Just have fun."

I thought about it. I've never been a good coaster. I'm a much better planner. And maybe that's my problem. Or at least part of it. I need to just 'be' right now.

So how in the world does one do that? Just decide to change your brain into a totally different way of thinking? Decide you're not going to worry about certain things you used to worry about. Decide to deliberately take things out of your thought process and just let them be. That requires shutting off some emotions, to a degree. I guess that's not a bad thing... .

"So just WHAM I just stop thinking things out?" I laughed as I asked what seemed to be a crazy question.

"No. There's no 'wham", but you can work on it. Just don't think about everything so much. You can decide it's something you want to change and then just keep reminding yourself. You keep saying you want to be more like that, so work on it. It's the perfect opportunity for you to do it. This is your time," she said convincingly.

"I don't know if..." I started to answer.

"Don't you dare say you don't know if you can do it," She interrupted me. "I've seen you do plenty over the past couple years. Things you never thought you could do or would ever have to do. You CAN do it. You just need to ask yourself how important of a change it is for you to make. Is it really something you want to change about yourself and will it be worth the effort once you do?"

WHAM.

See...sometimes there's a 'wham'.