Zen Me

I've reached a point in my life with my attitude, that I'm sure 20 years ago I would have looked at as the viewpoint of an "old" person.

Why?

Because I long for boring.

I told someone yesterday I long for the day when someone calls me and asks what I've been up to or what's gong on and I get to say, "Nothing. Nothing at all. What about you?"

That day will be tranquility.

I have learned not to ask specifics about other's lives because if they want me to know...they will tell me. I won't have to ask. I've become sensitive to the term "nosy" and desperately do not want to be an intrusive person on people's lives since I've had so much intrusion in mine. Until you've been there, you don't really appreciate just how incredibly meddlesome people can be and how it affects the person or people being constantly under the microscope.

I have plenty of things I could be bitter about. I could harbor hatred for. I could walk around with a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas and I really don't know if anyone would blame me (for awhile, at least!). For some reason I have peace. I choose to move forward and stop looking back wondering "what if...". It doesn't matter. Yesterday is the past and tomorrow...a present. It's simply a choice to smile, have a sense that I've done absolutely all I can to make my life and the life of my kids the best it can be then keep moving and making positive choices for us.

My kids are priority numero uno in my life. Making them happy. Finding a safe and reasonable place for us to live. Trying to be a good mommy and role model. Showing them how to handle the disappointments in life with class and celebrate the victories with grace.

I know I've been blessed with more prayers than I'll ever know so, in essence, I guess I do know where the peace comes from. Things may not have been easy in my life for awhile now...but I'm ready to put it behind me. I'll never forget this time and am scarred inside, no doubt, but wallowing won't get me where I need and want to be.

So yes, I long to be boring - so to speak. I long to be there for my friends who have been there for me.

I don't feel like life has passed me by. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. How could I while I'm living with a 10 and 7 year old?! I get to be their age all over again by playing with them!

I'm finally getting to a place where I'm...dare I say...exhaling.

Always remember and never forget: Sometimes the most important thing about breathing is taking time to rest between breaths.