Solo più tardi, Duke

He put his leg up on the arm rest and we "held hands"
on the way to the vet for the last time.

I've written about him many times. My Duke Dogger.

Today it was clear he needed to go "home". Actually, over the past few days I've been easing into my decision to let him go.

He's been losing weight slowly but surely. He's been up at night. He's been crying a lot more. It's all lead me to believe he's finally in pain. That's where I always knew I'd draw the line. I've mentioned before that when I leave the room he cried. Lately if I even looked like I was going to leave he would sit straight up and get a look of panic in his eyes. He didn't get why his legs didn't work and he still wanted to be with me. Protect me if I needed him. So he cried. It was his way of "talking" to me.

The last two days he's been having me walk him around the perimeter of the backyard. Casing out the joint in his own way. Doing a final inspection to make sure he was leaving this family as safe as he could. He's woken me up around two o'clock in the morning for several months now. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. Even at these times he wanted to walk around the backyard and protect us. He was fiercely protective over Ben and Shelby, too. I have identical baby pictures of both kids in their Boppies with his head on the pillow watching over them.

They used him as a pillow. Tried to use him as a horse. He was their playmate and snugglebuddy. And tonight both claimed him as their best friend.

And even though he was "just" a dog (he didn't know that, by the way), together he and I shared a sense of loyalty, family, compassion and love without limits or conditions. He was my constant. When I cried, he cried. He'd put his head on my lap and join me. He'd look up at me with his sad, big, brown eyes. When he could no longer get to me, he'd cry louder for me to come to him as if to say, "You know our deal. We don't cry alone. Now get over here." And I would.

When asked how I could "stand" to tote him around for months since I had to loop a towel under his abdomen and carry the weight normally assumed by his back legs, the answer was always the same and obvious. "We didn't bring him into our family on the condition all his legs worked or that he would always be healthy. We brought him in to love and take care of him unconditionally. That's what families do. You take the bad with the good. Letting him go any earlier just isn't how I love." And that's what Ben and Shelby will learn because they watched and lived it every day. Not just about how to treat a dog. He was always more than that to them. It's how you love and how you treat those you love.

So while letting him go was extremely painful, especially at this particular point in my life, I know it was the most loving thing I could do for a creature who was always there for me. And I know everything I did for him, he would have done for me.

He didn't want to leave and for many reasons I won't get into, I definitely didn't want him to go. But considering he stayed this long - just as long as I really needed him - I knew the absolute best way to repay him was to let him go.

So here's to you my Rooskie Poopin Dogger. Sweet Nibblets. Scooby Dog. Roo Roo. Duke Dogger. I'm positive you already knew this, but it's worth repeating...You were my best friend, too.

~ Duke Phillips 1998-2010 ~