My Inner Voice is Adorable

Well here I am once again...incredibly mad at myself.

Why? Where do I start...

I know where...my weight. See, I've lost a good amount of weight recently (well, over the past year) and it seems as if just within the past two weeks, I've invited it all back. And then some! And it is grossing me out, to grab a phrase out of the 80s.

I bought my **first** bikini in a very, very long time a couple weeks ago and was actually a content with the way it looked. Surprised in fact at how NOT disgruntled I was about it. Actually looked in a dressing room mirror, you know - the one that is usually not a flattering reflection at all - and gave it the "this will work" approval and bought the darn thing.

So what am I doing today? Going to buy a cover-up. Because if I do put that suit on, it WILL be covered up. Or rather, the parts of me it isn't covering will be covered up.

This leads up to another thing I'm not happy about with myself...my willpower. Which, for some reason, has skipped town on me. And not just with food, but other things. So, I have to start over again and remember that every time I'm in a situation of choices I need to ask myself, "What would I want Shelby to do in this situation?"

Because when I do that, I generally get a different answer than if I just went with my gut-instinct at the time. I want her to be a strong woman. I want her to feel like a strong woman. I want those in her world to know she is just that. Not overpowering strong. No. The kind of strong where she considers the consequences thoroughly before she completes an action. A respectful strong.

Isn't it odd we look after those we love more than we look out for ourselves? Why is it I have to put Shelby in my shoes in order to feel better about a decision? Maybe because her and Ben are where my focus should be. It's a way of reminding myself of their future and how my role at this time in my life is being responsible for helping build that future. The type of adults I want them to be. That includes making choices I would want them to make. I'm showing them how adults, parents, moms, etc....should act. Oh the pressure! :-) They are incredibly bright and I have to remind myself sometimes they are only 7 and 10. Very impressionable indeed.

I guess I'll chose to look at it as a mechanism given to me to make good choices/decisions. I am glad I've been able to incorporated it and will start doing so again.

For whatever reason I do it, it's enabled me see some situations and people very clearly. And for that, I know I will always be thankful.

Now...off to buy a swimsuit cover up. Because that cookie I just chose not to eat was the 43 year old Shelby inside my head saying, "Nooooo...you're better than that. You don't need it."

Thanks, Belle.