Everyone keeps asking about Duke and how he is. Just a couple weeks ago I thought I was going to have to let him go. I was no where ready to do it. Turns out, he was no where ready to go either. He had a bacterial infection in his mouth and the vet gave him antibiotics to help with it. He had stopped eating and apparently, that is why. After his first dose of antibiotics, he started eating like a horse.
He still can't walk without me. He can't do much without me. And he lets me know...and everyone else within a one mile radius. He wails when I'm not in the room with him. I guess he's nervous and he's scared. I'm his comfort. I'm what he sees as his source of safety. That or he's being a brat. Maybe a little of both.
Tonight is a different Duke. For some reason he won't stop crying. He's had his pain pills. He has food in his stomach. I'm in the room. So what is wrong?
I think he's sad. I think he just wants to be able to walk around and do what he wants to do. He's always been a very independent, protective dog. If I was ever in the house alone at night, he'd often sleep by the door or on the bed with me. He was always looking out the windows. Running the perimeter of the fence. Doing his "manly" thing. He has always been my protector and now he can't be and I really think he's sad.
It's a debilitating feeling to be in his position. He knows what he wants to do. What he feels he needs to do. He is totally unable to do it all though. And I'm sure he is exhausted. I want him to know I understand and just want him to rest.
So I sat by him and pet him until he fell asleep. Though he keeps lifting his head and glancing my way to make sure I haven't gone anywhere. I understand that, too. My kids still do it.
They wake up, come down stairs and say things like, "I just need a hug" or "I have butterflies in my stomach". All translated into, "Just making sure you're still here". Since I tend to be up late too, I often (often) check on them at night. They know this, but still venture downstairs because this makes it on their terms. As if to say, "I know you say you're not going anywhere, but I'm just making sure you're around when you may not be expecting me." Big difference in a kid's head. Even at that age actions can mean more than words. So their trips downstairs in the middle of the night satisfies their need to have love and security on-demand. My checking on them does the same thing for me, in a way. I can't tell you how often I sit on the edge of their bed and watch them sleep. Smell them. Kiss them. Put my hands on them and pray.
And just judging from today's conversations, I expect I may see them again tonight...even though they've been tucked in with all the ritual they've come to expect every night of their lives. They need to feel loved. To feel secure. So I have a hard time getting upset with them when they show up in my doorway, especially when I look in their sweet eyes.
I'd do anything for you two and you are my focus. You are why I'm here. I hope you see your mom as a loving, strong, good person. And maybe that's a little boring, but I'm okay with that because we have fun together. Even though the adjectives almost make me sound like a good dog! I happen to know of one of those and despite his legs no longer working - his big heart still works just fine.
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