I Will Never Do You Wrong

Just as I do several times a day, I help him walk down the hallway to his bed on the floor which is right by my bed. He has to be near me. To be able to see me. Otherwise it's d-r-a-m-a.

Lately, he's been crying at lot at night. Panting. Just can't get comfortable.

I lay down next to him, just as I did with his friend Athena so many years ago. I tell him what I told her. It's okay to go to sleep. It's okay to go. I love him more than anything and my heart will forever be thankful God chose us for him to live with. But I'm going to be okay if he needs to go. He never does.

Tears rolling down my face, he knows when I'm upset and just looks at me with his head half-cocked to the side...I tell him I've done everything I can possibly think of to help him. To make him better. To bring him back to the dog he once was. I've left no stone unturned and I will never have regret as to what all I've done. I will forever know I literally tried everything within my means. As I stroke his sweet head and ears, not nearly as cushioned as they used to be, it hits me.

There are some things love just can't overcome.

I've given him more love than any other human on this planet possibly would have given him. I know this. And it's very possible that love is why he's still here today. Holding on. Not wanting to disappoint me. He knows he's been a constant in my life. He doesn't want to leave me.

I know he's lost his quality of life. We've had a series of set-backs the past few days.

So how do I let go? It's not part of my make-up. It's not who I am.

And every time I get closer to deciding, "It's about time" he wags his tail at me and finds a way to get over to me without hardly a limp and I get my hopes up once again and wonder how I ever could have given up on him. But these times are more far and few between than they used to be and it always comes back to the scenario I don't want to face.

I've done it before with Athena so I know I have it in me. I just don't want to do it again. I pray every single night for God to just take him in his sleep.

But because I love him...sometimes love means being able to say, "It's time". And I find myself preparing for that. It's the very last thing I want and now I'm trying to find a greater love in me that will enable me to do just that. The one that lets me say, "Goodbye my Duke Dog".

It's a choice I don't want to make, but watching him suffer is worse. Selfishly I like being able to look over at him. It's comforting to see his face. His deep brown eyes. Hear him snore. :-) Watch his legs with the little muscle they have left in them move as he dreams of 'chasing rabbits'.

Yes, love doesn't cure everything. But it's quite amazing when you let it in. It does wonders. He's proof of it. Even a dog gets it. But not just any dog. My Duke Dog.