ACCOUNTABILITY

I'm having one of those nights (well, now mornings) when I just can't sleep.

Goodness knows I'm tired enough. But my brain isn't cooperating with my body. My body gave in hours ago. My brain is still churning.

It's jumping between various subjects.

The sick boy I have in the other room, who despite being on an antibiotic the past seven days for a sinus infection, has now developed a hacking cough and slight fever.

The fact I need to start making more money, as the bills keep coming in like tsunami waves hitting a small island with no mountains offering an option for retreat.

How I rarely get to see those I love due to a type of crazy-tight schedule only a few people understand.

That I need to start exercising more (again). Seems I'm in a cycle of not being in shape and being too tired to workout. I know the exercise will help the fatigue. It's just getting up the energy to exercise. Same song, 143,502nd verse.

But mainly my brain is thinking about people. Why we do what we do. How more listening and less talking never hurt anyone. How judgemental, untrusting, unfaithful and dishonest people still get to me.

I just don't, and never will, get some people. Especially those who claim to be on "your side". Or at least say they are. Then their actions show the exact opposite. I can't tell you how many times over the past couple years I've become accutely attuned to people claiming one thing and doing another.

And I'm not talking the occasional slip up. We all do that. Goodness knows I have. But I also apologize when I slip. When that apology is forgiven...I'm grateful and know I've chosen to have someone in my life who also gets THEY aren't perfect. Recognizes we all have our days or misunderstandings. But when the apology is not forgiven, or even ignored (and this has only happened to me only once), I know I've done all I can and it's time to move on. As Ang says, "That ball is no longer in your court, T. You've done all you can do...all God expects you to do...move on." Sometimes honesty will only get you as far as what the other person chooses to, or is capable of, believing.

But for those who exhibit a constant pattern of behavior that is so contrary to who they claim to be or what they say they want out of life, it's only natural for those of us observing to keep our distance. It's what we do to protect ourselves, as well as the ones we love. Caution kicks in and Momma Bear instinctively goes into protective mode.

I've learned to watch. I've learned I don't have to say, "I know you aren't being honest with me" and just let the person continue, because not only does it free me from the drama...it shows their true colors.

I have to admit, there's a sadness to listening to someone tell you something that you absolutely know isn't the truth. These days, I find myself listening and thinking, "Surely you don't think I'm this naive. Or maybe you just think your lie is brilliant? Regardless, I'm curious to see just how far you will take this...".

It's something I've never done in the past. In the past, I would've fronted them out. Now...I watch. I listen. And my Momma Bear alarm sounds because it's not just me I'm looking out for.

I have two kids counting on me to make the best decisions possible for our lives. And the fact I know in my gut I won't always make the best decision is a hard pill to swallow. Saying otherwise would be calling myself perfect and I'm not.

But showing them with not just words, but also actions, is what I try to do every day. Honesty is a good start. Mean what you say and say what you mean. That's where character is built and respect is earned. I now get that sometimes it's more difficult for others to hear the truth. They'd rather reason an excuse in their heads.

The truth always...and I mean always...comes out. It's a very, very small world. Just because I'm not calling you on it doesn't mean I'm stupid or ignorant. On the contrary.

However, if the 'truth' you are looking for is regarding someone else's personal life...move on. Because if they haven't told you, either they aren't ready to discuss it or it's none of your business. Or both. They aren't necessarily hiding anything. They just may choose to talk about happier things than get bogged down on any negatives or drama. Having to deal with it is pain enough. Then to be questioned about it is just insensitive.

None of your business, by the way, isn't an insult. It's a fact.

Not everyone has a blog for you to read and get insight on them. Obviously, I write one, but it's not for you. It's for me. And one day, for my kids. I'd never write anything (at least not on this blog...I save that for my anonymously-authored blog!) so intensely personal about my life that it would come back and slap me. I'm not completely in the dark on that. Seriously?!

If you don't like what I write, it's very simple. Stop reading it. But if you do continue to read it, don't read 'into' it.

I see the visits/hits I'm getting. I see where you are. If you have a question, ask me. No problem. There's a place for comments. Feel free to leave one.

Just always remember and never forget: Only you are in charge of making yourself happy. In essence, you are the author of your circumstances in life and the only one with that pen. Don't blame others if your plot isn't going the way you think it should be.