PRIORITIES

I've said it many times...I am hyper-sensitive to getting some strange disease that will take me away from my kids. I know that sounds so ridiculous to some (most?), but losing my mom at age 15 instilled that fear in me.

So after a month or so of having some "weird" kind of pains fairly regularly, I decided a trip to the doctor was in order. I'll just say she's quite possibly the best doctor I've ever had in my life. I can't recall one better than her.

She totally gets my "paranoia" regarding my irrational fears. While she was able to diagnose two things on the spot (ulcer and irritative bowel syndrome...thank you very much. How embarrassing.) she's still curious about some others, so an incredible amount of blood work was ordered. The sweet lab technician said, "Well after all this, you should be pretty confident at least about what you don't have!". True.

I recently got new health insurance that AT BEST is adequate. Makes me want to start lashing out at our country's economic status,the  responsibility it should have to 'it's own' and how people are still out there playing by their own rules, making those of us who play by THE rules suffer. They don't even consider what the fallout is. So we pay. And pay.

There are so many things I need to have done that are incredibly important and money is the obstacle. Once again. You'd think I may not be good at handling my finances. Not the case. You have a household, add it up. Now add two kids into it. Add payments due to entities I'm stuck paying each and every month. Add kids school stuff, clothes, food, friends' birthdays. Add medical bills that come along with three people. Like most recently, a kid with a staph infection and now my debacle. Add maintenance costs associated with a car bearing 90,000+ miles on it. It adds up...and then some. My stress and constant worry/talk about this particular subject is sound. I don't like it, but it's my one source of non-stop contention.

So I try and get creative. Do you offer payment plans? You need a copy of my last two months bank statements to prove I can make small monthly payments, but don't have enough to write one big check? Yeah...not a problem. Unfortunately, once again due to the economy, most don't want to accept payment plans from someone with my...well...financial resume and the recent scar it has on it that I can't remedy.

The things I want to do have taken a very far, deep, back seat to the things that I simply have to do. AKA...MY PRIORITIES. Things I've put off due to lack of money. Things I know darn, good and well I NEED to do. This medical junk will hopefully turn into something that I just need to make a lifestyle change regarding in order to move on. Then it will be kids' orthodontics, vision, etc... .

Vacations and even the simplist outings have become things of the past. On weeks I find I have an extra $40, I want to treat the kids. They don't complain. The "I Want" Syndrome has faded so much. Just taking them to a movie or something. What some consider an every day occurance, we now see as somewhat of a luxury of sorts. I've got to say though, my kids won't be any worse the wear because of it. They know they are loved, have a safe place to live, food in the pantry and clothes on their backs. It's not a house, or a walk-in pantry with gourmet food or designer clothes they wear...but it's what they have come to know as 'life'.

I have always found it so hard to put me 'in front' of my kids. Sounds horrible just reading back over it. So my doctor says to me, "It's getting to the point that if you don't carve out time for you, you won't be around to wish you had." Good point. I'll see what I can do on that.

I'm just going to have to look at it as not putting myself in front, per se...but putting myself right up there beside them. If I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

But if I don't ... I can think of two people who will certainly wish I would have.