"You haven't been writing much lately...what's up with that?"
The last week of my life has been a blur of sorts. Only one other time in my adult life have I had such an emotionally exhausting time that actually caused physical pain. Sounds all "drama-like", but I'm being totally serious. It's just how I carry my stress. I know. Not smart.
In the midst of all the stress, I told Ang that it was strange, but I've never felt as close in my walk with Christ as I have lately. Not just this past week, but more like the past one or two months. I can point to a couple things I know caused it, but am astutely aware of the things I can't see or touch which are also pushing me along this path.
One thing I can point to is a daily devotional given to me by my boss, who also happens to be a friend. It's called Jesus Calling and it's amazed me at just how on-point it is. Every day.
Another is the family and friends I am blessed to have as my support system. They stay remarkably positive. They aren't around me to stir the pot and make my stress even greater. Instead, they are here asking, "How are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" (this has turned into an almost daily text from Ang!). Or texts and phone calls just checking in. If I tell them of specific stresses, they don't speak negatively...they build me up.
And it's because of these people around me I **finally** heard something God was trying to tell me. (And I've gotta say, it used to take me a LOT longer to hear him, so I consider it taking me only a week to be a triumph of sorts!).
As I mentioned, last week was...well...horrible. One person in particular had it as their M.O. to make my life as difficult as possible. She has been in the driver's seat regarding this particular part of my life for quite some time and seemed determined to harass me about the control she had over it.
It put so much stress in my life, I had a difficult time eating. Sleeping. Started grinding my teeth around the clock. The back spasms returned and migraines commenced. My body housed all the stress instead of handing it over to the Only One who could help.
This weekend, my parents called and asked to know this person's name. "Why?" I asked. "So we can pray specifically for her." I said fine...go ahead. Won't do any good. She's full of hate. And gave them her name.
Another friend asked the same thing. My response was similar, though I was intrigued at the same question happening twice.
All last week as I tried to get past the stress, I heard Ang in my head saying, "We need to pray for her". It's Ang's voice I heard because she almost ALWAYS says this when someone is causing problems. I'm the one cussing them. She's the one praying for them.
So after those three remarkably similar scenarios played out...He chose to hit me over the head this morning on my way to work because I simply was not listening to Him. I was taking it all on myself.
While driving, I started thinking about my work day and my mind went to, "I wonder what she's going to hit me with today. She hit me with something every dang day last week. Why should today be any different?". My head almost immediately started hurting. Back spasms started. It's at that point I decided, "No...I can't have another week like I did last week" and I turned it on KCBI (Christian Talk Radio).
Jack Graham was on and literally as soon as I pushed the button on my radio, I hear his voice say, "Love our enemies? How in the world is that possible? Well...it's not because we are human and to love our enemies we need Christ. Only He can help us love our enemies. He never gives you a command he won't enable you to do".
I finally heard Him. It all came together.
I no more wanted to pray for this woman who has caused me so much grief, stress and pain. And He knew I couldn't. So He had others do it for me. But after that, I did it. I really tried for my heart to be all in it, but my emotion from the last week blocked it from being 100%, I'm fairly certain.
And while I didn't see the results I was hoping for today, I did feel relief emotionally. And for that, I'm grateful.
While I'm tired of hearing things like, "He gives the greatest challenges to the strong" I think I have figured out that if I am in fact strong, as people seem to see me, it's because of my support system. Their prayers lift me up. Help my kids. Help me try and be a good mom/friend. Help me hear Him when He is talking directly to me and I fail to listen.
Always remember and never forget: Some people talk about finding God...as if He could get lost.
For my family and friends...thank you for continually raising me high enough to see all the wonderful things around me that I fail to see when I look down instead of up.
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