LIKE A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE

My minor in college (which actually ended up being a double-major when all was said and done) was Organizational Communication. A fancy term for not just speech, but also research and speech writing. I loved it. In fact, one of the toughest classes I took was actually in this department and it was the class that dealt with research as it applies to how we gather and disseminate data to the public. Media outlets tend to take their "fact-checking" seriously, so as to avoid law suits, you see.

In this class, we also studied some of the great orators: Demosthenes, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Theresa, Winston Churchill and...my personal favorite...Martin Luther King Jr.

He had a style and charisma that drew people in. He spoke from the heart and was eloquent, yet never spoke over people. It was one of his greatest strengths. And like most great orators, he was able to put what the masses were thinking into beautiful, uncomplicated words. He wasn't trying to make people read between the lines. He wasn't trying to be deep. And through all that 'not' trying, he was genuine. He said it like it was and I like that. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I always wanted to memorize his "I Have a Dream" speech. I thought I'd try and do that someday during my lifetime and maybe I still will. It's a beautiful piece of writing and something that once I start listening to, I can't stop. Very motivating.

But his "I've Been to the Mountaintop" speech is also powerful and it's the one that popped into my head today.

There's a part in the speech when he says, "But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars."

There's something to be said about having no where to go but up. Even when the top of the mountain looks light years away, the point is...it's there. Beckoning for you. Almost daring you to make your way.

On the days you think, "Surely it can't get any worse..." and it does - these are the times we are supposed to look up for the stars. I have had a difficult time doing that lately. When your legs keep getting cut out from under you, there's always crawling. I know the stars simply HAVE to be there.  Somewhere. Don't they? Maybe hidden behind a cloud for the time being. And maybe that huge mountain is even in the way, but they're there. Make a path and dare to dream, I suppose.

Which reminds me of something else...

WHITE-KNUCKLED ON THE ROPE

In three weeks, I turn another year older.

Age, or the number I have to say aloud every now-and-then, has never bothered me. At least not until recently.

I know why. I'm extremely confident in "the why". And I hate it.

Seems I'm constantly being surprised in life and I.Don't.Like.Surprises. I like to plan. Prepare. Deal. Count on the honesty of others. Could be God's trying to tell me something. Could be some people don't care about consequences. Could be I'm over-analyzing it.

While I've never been an overly-confident person, these days I find I'm extremely tough on myself. I know I'm a good person, but I've been given reason to believe I may not be good 'enough'. And let me tell you, that is one tough blow to the ego.

Yeah, yeah. I know, "No one can make me feel bad about myself unless I allow them to." We've all read the quote. But when you are constantly being fired at, something has got to give.

So here I am. Knowing I can't continue this way. Unsure of what to do. Confident in one thing: I have to do something. Anything. Different.

Someone told me today, "Terri...sometimes you've got to be a jerk. And what I mean by that is you have got to take up for yourself and by your definition, that means you are being a 'jerk'. And while that's not the true definition, it's how you see it. It's actually setting standards for yourself, not accepting less and by doing so, you will feel better about yourself." Easier said than done for me. Though I'm starting to see reason to turn.

I've learned people can be mean. Cruel, in fact. Very cruel. If by losing my confidence I have learned anything, it's I will never be a cruel person. I am caring. Forgiving...sometimes to a fault. And sometimes...very stupid because of the two aforementioned characteristics. It's a rare occasion I put myself in front of others.

I am at the scariest part of my life right now. Everyone I know has their 'someone' to turn to and say, "What do you think I should do?" and I don't have that right now. And maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I need to just rely on me.

See? Scary.

OH HAPPY DAY

The "cutest" darn cow ever!

I can't say she didn't predict it.

I WILL win something.

As we drove up to the State Fair on Sunday, we saw someone walking away with an insanely large stuffed animal they won on the Midway...and that's where it began.

We dutifully explained to her how the games on the Midway were fixed. They are designed to take your money. All of it. The games look so easy and always have some trick to them designed to make it impossible for you to win.

"I don't care. I want that money pillow." she kept saying.

"I don't want to play. It's a racket. I'll do the bumper cars though!" added Ben.

Boys and bumper cars. It never gets old.

After Ben's bumper cars we continued through the Midway. We saw the tacky looking money pillow on our way in. Of all the "cute" stuffed animals you could win, this had to be the...well...tackiest.

"I want it." she kept saying.

Ughhhh.

After walking through the entire Midway to see something else she may want to win, it all came full-circle (imagine that) back to the *($%#*# money pillow game.

"There it is! Let's go!"

She sat down behind her water gun (that supposedly blows up a balloon 'til it pops). She lost.

"One more time?" she pleaded.

"Okay. But that's all the money left on the card. It's your last chance."

The lady behind the counter beckoning everyone to play hears me explaining to Shelby again how it's designed to take her money and not to be too disappointed if she doesn't win. The lady looks at Belle. Belle smiles at her really big. The lady looks away to walk off...then I see it.

She switched some switch under Belle's balloon.

I immediately tell D. You know...just to document what I saw in case it's true.

The bell goes off. They start shooting. Belle has yet to hit the target and the balloon keeps expanding 'til ... BOOM!


Sooooooo serious.

She drops her gun. Looks at me and points and says, "Told ya'..." then tells the lady behind the counter what she wants.


Look how proud her big brother is...

You have to approach the State Fair like you do Vegas. Go there expecting to spend a specific amount of money and come away with nothing more than a stomach ache. And sometimes a tacky money pillow.

They had fun and I always enjoy watching them experience things either for the first time or through their eyes.

Gotta love the exit of the Fun House!

Wanting to run on the field at the Cotton Bowl.

So the love may be a little one-sided right now.

Love. Love. Love 'em!

Thank you State Fair for a fun day plenty of memories.

Except for the money pillow...ughhhh. Although I will definitely remember it.

SWAYING

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind.

They understand the power of letting go.

Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break.