OH HOW I LOVE THIS KID!

THINGS MOTHERS LEARN

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot decide for you.
I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about drink, but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.

...Author Unknown

MAKING MY OWN TRACKS

I've said it before...I love a fresh blanket of snow and everything it symbolizes.

Last night (and into today) we got a whole lotta snow! And it is simply gorgeous.

As I was taking Scout out earlier, I found myself doing what I've always done. Ever since I was a kid. I walked in the steps someone else had already made. When I was young, I never wanted to mess up any more of the smooth snow as needed to be. I guess it just always stuck with me.

Then tonight, I heard steps behind me and when I turned to look, a stranger coming from one of the apartments and heading to his car said, "What are you doing?! This is your chance! Don't walk in someone elses steps...make your own tracks!" and he laughed, got in his car and left.

Of course he was just talking about having fun in the snow. But I took away much more than that...of course.
Imagine that.

As easy as it seems to make your own tracks, it can be tough. I knew this stage of my life would have it's challenging moments, but I never could have imagined the roller coaster it's been. I've never felt so under the microscope. So judged. And while it's probably my imagination, for the most part, I know some of it's not.

The little comments and questions don't go unnoticed, though I've gotten good at laughing them off.

A friend told me last night, "You know T...most people in the position to judge, don't." True. Very true.

So as I make my own tracks, I know they may not be the tracks others would take, but I do them with the best of intentions. There is no guidebook. And while others may watch and think how they'd do it differently, and albeit maybe even better than I, every decision I make concerns my kids and my well-being. And that I can say with the utmost honesty.

Because I want to make sure I keep my focus intact, I'm not at all embarrassed to say I still get to talk with a third party about everything going on in my life (though not as often as I'd like!). She's a wonderful Christian counselor and it is liberating to be able to tell someone absolutely everything, not be judged, then get solid opinions and some guideposts of what is 'normal' and not for someone in my position. While I may not be as vocal about my visits with her, she's still part of my life. Thankfully.

My newest challenge is telling people "it's none of your business". You don't even have to use those words to let people know they've crossed the line into something you aren't comfortable talking about. If I am comfortable talking about something personal, then *I* will bring it up. Trust me. For some reason, people feel they can ask and say things that are...well...over the line sometimes. And then have the nerve to get angry and offended when I don't feel like it's a question or comment I should be expected to acknowledge.

It's made me more aware of others lives and why the good Lord gave me two ears and only one mouth. I've had the privilege of being able to be a shoulder for many friends who are going through some difficulties of their own and who know I won't share it with their other friends. Most importantly, they know I would never judge. Everyone has their own things going on in their lives and while I may not understand some of the choices they make, I have come to realize through my own circumstances, that the choices other people make aren't mine to understand anyway. God gave me my own life to deal with. I don't know what all played a part in certain decisions and would never assume to.

But I do assume they either made the decision with the best of intentions concerning their family or maybe they were human and given the chance, would make another choice next time. Either way, it's not my business. It is my business to be their friend and always encourage them to make their own tracks, just as I'm trying to do though.

I've been very blessed with a group of friends God gave me who are encouraging and not judgemental. Thankfully. And as I make my own, fresh line of tracks, they continue to tell me, "Great job!". When I get a little off course, they are still there saying, "No big deal...bound to happen. Keep going!" And through this, my kids are learning how to make their own tracks. And it's been an honor to watch them do it so well.

As I look back on the tracks I've made so far, I definitely see room for improvement. But I'm also able to hold my head high and say, "I'm doing my best" and tomorrow is another day to keep trying. Just like everyone else.

Always remember and never forget: The one who walks in anothers steps, leaves no footprints.

I CALL SHOTGUN!

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31)

"You still think you're driving, don't you?" He inquires.

"No," I admit. "I'm not. Sometimes I just forget."

There's nothing like peace coming into your life in the middle of a storm. I'm coming to realize I've actually been creating many of the storms in my life simply by trying to control situations I have no business trying to control. Or rather, can not control and all the effort I put into it ends up futile and very disappointing when results don't turn out as I'd hoped. I'm learning I have no say-so in certain situations, even though I may have thought I did. He reminds me, "Nope...not yours. Next!"

Every once in awhile, He gives me choices in paths and even then, I hear His all-knowing voice advising me between right and wrong. Intelligent choices and, well...not so intelligent. His hands are firmly on the wheel of my life and I'm constantly being reminded I'm riding shotgun.

I'm beginning to be more and more surprised at just how much I have loved giving this control over to Him. I'm enjoying not "owning" various circumstances in my life. Not that I don't have accountability. I do. But I've learned I can only be responsible for so much and no more. As long as my kids, my well-being and those I love hold the prime spots in my life and I try to do my best as far as treating every single person I come across fairly...that's all I can do.

Hic-ups happen. We simply cannot avoid them and for a long time when they would happen, I'd consider myself as having done something wrong. If an unintentional hic-up disappointed someone in my life, I'd feel horrible. And still do, to a degree as I never want to disappoint. But I now know, even under the best of intentions, this will happen in life. And showing my kids how to respond when it does is the good I'm going to make out of it. I can apologize and try and make it right, but ultimately, after that, I've got to let it go.

I've had several hic-ups the past few days...who doesn't?! I'm just now getting what many of you already get. Try and make it right, then move on. He has put many paths in my life and all of them need attention. And if you know me at all, you know I do my best at giving those things I choose to commit to my all. I learned to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't" a few years ago when volunteering at school got to be too much. ANY mom who has volunteered knows you can overextend yourself if you don't watch it. I did and I've now learned saying "No" doesn't mean I don't want to; it means if I can't give you 110%, I don't consider it fair. So, I'd rather under-promise and over-deliver.

Being in the position I'm in now with two active kiddos, I've learned to manage my schedule fairly successfully. Like I said, every once in awhile a surprise pops up, but panic doesn't set in. Do your best and the rest will fall into place.

So much peace has come with this way of thinking. You never know when you will have the opportunity to reach into anothers life and show them a little peace. It could be a smile to a stranger in the next car at the stop light, a text or call just to say "Hope you are having a great day!", or a simple note.

While I've yet to perfect this mantra, it's been an experiment of sorts making it happen. With the help of dear friends, it's made it so much easier.

I never thought I'd be made to be more vulnerable in order to be stronger. So scary and yet so amazing. I have absolutely no idea what is coming next...but that's okay. For once, I'm okay with just seeing what happens. (Of course you know I'm going to have to analyze a 'little' of it! I mean...that's just ME!).

DON'T YOU DARE

"So why don't you just make a list?"

"What do you mean? Like a Pros and Cons list?" I asked.

"Exactly. That will tell you exactly what to do."

"It's not that simple. I know which column would have more in it. It's the unknown that gets me. There should be a third column. A 'TBA' column."

"Leaving the potential out there, huh?"

"What I mean is I'm going by how I view things now. Today. I know I may change my view of what a Pro is and what a Con is later and vice-versa. My brain as it is today isn't 100% sure of what it thinks about a lot of things, that's the problem. There are just too many variables right now. I'm adjusting my way of thinking so a list won't work. The way I was thinking over the past few years isn't the way I want to exist anymore. And I do see changes already since I'm being aware and making a conscience effort. In the past, my heart took over in situations my head should have been in charge of. My opinions on what is a Pro and a Con change now. I know that sounds strange and possibly inconsistent, but it's the truth. For instance, what used to be a Con to me a year ago, now is like, 'That's not necessarily a deal breaker.' " I explained.

Long pause.

She stared at me trying to understand my awkward interpretation of my thought process. I realize it sounded 'out there', but decided to stand by what seemed to turn into a soliliquy on my part by not trying to explain it further.

"Well...you're in a pickle then. Because I know what I'd do."

"Oh really?! I'm almost scared to ask."

"I'd just keep coasting. Why do you have to decide anything right now? I mean, what's the hurry? You've got nothing but time. Enjoy it. Try to anyway. Just have fun."

I thought about it. I've never been a good coaster. I'm a much better planner. And maybe that's my problem. Or at least part of it. I need to just 'be' right now.

So how in the world does one do that? Just decide to change your brain into a totally different way of thinking? Decide you're not going to worry about certain things you used to worry about. Decide to deliberately take things out of your thought process and just let them be. That requires shutting off some emotions, to a degree. I guess that's not a bad thing... .

"So just WHAM I just stop thinking things out?" I laughed as I asked what seemed to be a crazy question.

"No. There's no 'wham", but you can work on it. Just don't think about everything so much. You can decide it's something you want to change and then just keep reminding yourself. You keep saying you want to be more like that, so work on it. It's the perfect opportunity for you to do it. This is your time," she said convincingly.

"I don't know if..." I started to answer.

"Don't you dare say you don't know if you can do it," She interrupted me. "I've seen you do plenty over the past couple years. Things you never thought you could do or would ever have to do. You CAN do it. You just need to ask yourself how important of a change it is for you to make. Is it really something you want to change about yourself and will it be worth the effort once you do?"

WHAM.

See...sometimes there's a 'wham'.