SIMMAH DOWN NOW

I'll start of by saying, it's my own fault. I accept it now. I can't point any fingers.

I let people get to me. I let things, circumstances, you name it...if it's out of my control, it can get to me. And not just 'get-to-me', but physically affect me. I know I've mentioned this before, but hang on...I had an epiphany.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6.

It's long been my favorite verse. I know it may be a popular one. One printed on tiles, frames and bumper stickers...but it's still my favorite.

So why don't I listen to it?

Stubborn? Yes. (I'm allowed to say that about myself. You are not.)

I've gone from chest pains, back pains, pulse racing, throat tightening up, can't get a deep breath, eye twitching to now...get ready...tongue twitching. What in the world? All due to anxiety. Stupid stress. About things I absolutely have ZERO control over. Very silly.

And I GET you handle it better than I do. I GET you have thicker skin and let things roll off your back when I can't. So please get this.

I need space. I am 45 and have no idea how to decompress and this IS going to cause health issues and how horrible would it be to say I could have avoided it?

How do you do it? How do you decompress?

Yesterday, I was able to by simply sitting in the grass playing I Spy with the kids.

I don't particularly enjoy being alone, but right now it seems I need to be. Everyone has their opinion of exactly what I should be doing. Who I should be spending time with. All I care about is what I want and how it affects my kids. I need time to figure it out, so I'm starting on a journey of sorts.

What I've been doing isn't working so a change is necessary.

I can't help anyone else if I'm not 100%. And after God and me...it's my kids. Then everyone else. In that order.

I don't want to pretend to be anyone I'm not. I have no interest in recreating myself. Especially not for anyone else! Are you kidding me? Like Julia Roberts character from Runaway Bride...she changes the favorite way her eggs are cooked to match the favorite of whoever she's involved with at the time. Just not gonna happen.

What I'm interested in changing is the me who is in control of me. It's all I can do right now. My cup is officially full and it's spilling off the table, down my lap and into my shoes. It's not pretty. Everyone and everything else I've been trying to 'fix', I'm releasing. Funny thing is, they have no idea how much I've been trying to be a repairman. They are much smarter than I've been.

We all have different priorities. We aren't made a like. It's something I tell my kids all the time and sell it to them as the great thing it is. We shouldn't all be alike. However, I can't let other people and things affect me the way they have been. Again...I take 110% responsibility.

I'm so incredibly appreciate of the support I get from friends who are on my "Team" no matter what. Totally blessed in that regard. Hopefully you will be an even bigger supporter of who I'm working on. I hope to be new and improved.

I know one daily change I desperately need to delve back into. It will definitely help ~ I have no doubt about it. Here's a hint:

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:12.